By Rabbi Mo Gaydau
We Jewish people have been persecuted for over 5,000 years, so it's small wonder that we can get a bit kinky when it comes to our sexual dalliances. Stereotypes would have you believe that the only thing a Jewish woman likes to hold in her hands is a credit card, which has sent generations of my fine Hebrew brothers into the arms of blue-eyed and blonde-tasseled shiksas. But we Chosen People have never had to choose our mates outside of the domain of the temple.
G-d not only gave the laws to Moses on Mt. Sinai, he provided lust as well. The All-Powerful One may be a vengeful deity, but He does throw his flock a boner in the form of some of the sexiest Semites ever to tempt a loin.
Don't take my word for it; just look at your matinee idols. There are dozens of sirens heating up the silver screen that read the Torah and will unroll your pants scroll. No, I'm not talking about mystic pieces like Madonna, who's just grabbing onto the trend of the moment--though she's a hot shmatte. There are real Jews among us that stir more than religious pride.
After intensive research, I've collected a list of those Jewesses with the burning bushes who heat up the cool desert nights on the kibbutz. I've separated my list into three: full Jews, half Jews, and converts. They're all welcome at the party. After checking out these yummy Yids you'll understand why Jewish boys must have a bris, the ritualistic removal of the foreskin, because these bombshells are so sizzling they'd burn it off anyway!
Jews Through and Through
You don't get more Jewish than being born in the motherland of Israel where gorgeous Natalie Portman (Picture: ) first made the Dead Sea liven up. The Bible says it's better to give than to receive, but sadly Natalie has not been giving viewers much to look at in the way of her God-given charms. It's like being barred from the Garden of Eden without even getting a taste of the Forbidden Fruit.
Another Israelite is Mili Avital, who has a less modest approach. In After the Storm (2001) she flashed her potato pancakes (Picture: 1), which I personally would have loved to schmear with my sour cream.
It should come as no surprise that an actress able to pull off the role of a spoiled Beverly Hills brat in Clueless (1995) is in fact Jewish. Alicia Silverstone's (Picture: ) blonde and all-American good looks may scream Kansas, but this Hollywood hottie was born in San Francisco and shares that city's taboo-breaking tradition. She certainly snaps my matzo.
One of the classic "Secret Jews" of entertainment has to be the leggy Peggy Lipton (Picture: 1), who made her name (and audiences' moan) as the hippie undercover cop on the hit TV series The Mod Squad. After that show went off the air she retired to wifedom and motherhood with Quincy Jones. But the Jews and blacks have a love/hate relationship, and the marriage didn't last. I'd gladly break the glass with this (now nearly) '60s swinger anytime!
She made my Major Member stand at attention in An Officer and a Gentleman (1982) (Picture: 1 - 2), and the sky was indeed the limit to her skinful scenes in The Sheltering Sky (1990) (Picture: 1 - 2). Yes, Debra Winger is one scorching wing-dinger. But did you know that she served in the Israeli army? It makes me want to enlist my semen.
It really spun my dreidel when Sara Michelle Gellar taught Selma Blair how to French kiss in Cruel Intentions (1999) (Picture: 1), especially since Selma looks like she could be Jewish too. That was like getting all my Hanukah gifts at once, and it kept my flesh menorah burning much longer than eight days.
You've got to have friends, but who knew they'd be as hot as Friends superstar Lisa Kudrow (Picture: 1). She's a typical Jewish girl--bashful. Lisa has covered up the tall, shapely body that the almighty has given her. Is that a sin? Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but wouldn't it rock to see Kudrow's knish?
I was a horny rabbinical student during the fabled '70s, and few woman looked as sinfully delicious as That 70s Show star Mila Kunis (Picture: 1). But maybe I'm prejudiced. She does, after all, come from my motherland of Russia. It makes me want to play Cossack and have my way with the pleasant peasant girl.
Debra Messing proves the falsehood of Christianity. In Jesus (1999), her sole skin scene onscreen (Picture: 1), she plays the harlot of the Christian Bible, Mary Magdalene. That this so-called man-god wouldn't part her hole-y waters to mess around with Messing tells me that Jesus Christ is a fiction.
When I discovered that one of the Baywatch babes was actually a Jewess I nearly choked on my blintz. Yes, the bathing-suit beauty Yasmine Bleeth (Picture: ) is a member of the 12 Tribes of Israel. Talk about finding an oasis in the desert!
Phoebe Cates perhaps more than any one actress defines sexuality onscreen. Her seminal role as the ultimate teen tease in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) (Picture: 1 - 2) has stained more crotches than Grandma's chicken soup. And the fact that those matzo balls are 100 percent Jewish makes me scream, "Mazel tov!"
When I heard that Winona Ryder (Picture: ) was arrested for shoplifting in Beverly Hills I was fuming. After 5,000 years of oppression we children of Israel are allowed to take what we want. Haven't the anti-Semites taken enough from us? The fact that Winona may have been loopy on goof-balls is another story.
You might know Maria Sokoloff (Picture: ) for the lustful lawyer she portrayed on The Practice. All those short-shorts and tight tops must have cut off the blood supply to her brain because she's yet to expose her mazumas, which is Yiddish for money, and I'd pay cash to see her large latkes.
I don't mean to kvetch, but why is everybody so down on Barbara Streisand? I'd love to see her Yentl puss. The closest she's come to sharing her treasured chest was a brief peek in The Owl and the Pussycat (1970) (Picture: 1) . It made my head spin.
You may think I'd whack-off to any wacko broad as long as she shared my religious beliefs. You'd be right. However, I'll admit there's a Shemp in the bunch, but with one caveat. Sandra Bernhard (Picture: ) may have a face that'll stop an Uzi, but she's got a doozy of a body!
She's more cartoon than real live woman, but Carol Kane (Picture: 1) is no doodle. In fact, her Bettie Boop voice and waif-like body combine to stir my noodle. And that's no kreplech!
Another funny lady who makes more than my funny-bone happy is Madeline Kahn. Her sultry saloon entertainer, Lily Von Schtupp, in Mel Brooks's Blazing Saddles (1974) (Picture: 1) sure gave me saddle sores.
With a girl like Jennifer Grey the whole world springs into vivid color for me. Ever since I saw her moves in Dirty Dancing (1997) (Picture: 1) I have been dancing to the beat-off of my own private klezmer orchestra in my dirty pants.
Having grown up on New York's Lower East Side, I followed Sarah Jessica Parker's salacious view of my hometown with great interest on the HBO hit Sex and the City (Picture: 1). Too bad all the girls I dated in the old neighborhood would only put the hotdogs from Katz's deli in their mouths.
In Great Britian there's a reason why Big Ben chimes, and it's not because of those rotten-toothed British strumpets. No, it takes the doughy body of a Talmud tempter like Rachel Weisz (Picture: 1) to make old England merry.
Half a Jew Is Better than None
She may not be officially Jewish, as the lineage falls on her father's side, but I wouldn't throw Carrie Fisher (Picture: 1) out of bed. OK, maybe I would. But then I'd schtup her on the floor!When I went to see Butterflies are Free (1972) I was outraged that I actually had to pay for my ticket. Talk about untruth in advertising. But it turned out to be a mitzvah as it introduced me to the charms of leggy half-Jewess Goldie Hawn (Picture: 1 - 2). She's good as gold, and for this tightwad to be saying such you know it's the truth.
And Goldie just keeps on giving. Her daughter Kate Hudson is like a Golden Delicious that didn't fall far from the tree. It sure shook my tree when she flashed her tablets in Almost Famous (2000) (Picture: 1). It makes me think God forgot one commandment: thou shall spill seed to the Hebrew hotties!
Can you guess which half of Barbara Hershey (Picture: 1) is Jewish? I recommend sampling her Hershey bars. Still can't tell? Does it matter when you have that big smile on your face?
Tanya Roberts was The Beastmaster (1982) (Picture: 1 - 2), and she certainly makes my trouser snake hiss. She was also one of Charlie's Angels, proving that even half a Jew spreading her wings will lift a fellow to heaven.
Joan Collins was billed as the English Elizabeth Taylor (Picture: 1). But she's also the half-Jewish Elizabeth Taylor (though read on for Elizabeth's secret Jewish connection). I'm certainly not going to Passover The Bitch (1979) (Picture: 1 - 2).
She may have first made her name as the original Scream Queen in Halloween (1978), but what's really scary is that Jamie Lee Curtis (Picture: 1) is only partially Jewish. She's got breasts like my bubeleh, so I think I know what parts are Jewish.
Bubkes, I say! Fran Drescher (Picture: ) is the embodiment of Judaism, but in fact she's only part Jewish. Well, considering that accent and her penchant for colorfully tight clothing, whatever part of her isn't Jewish is dormant.
Be still my Angel Heart (1987). When I discovered that Lisa Bonet (Picture: 1 - 2) has some Jewish blood in her, all my blood went rushing to my putz. I can't think of a better union of Jews and blacks then Lisa. She gives us both a Bonet!
If You Can't Beat Them Off, Join Them
Not only is Michael Douglas a horndog, he's crafty. Before he'd let gentile Catherine Zeta-Jones (Picture: 1) marry him he insisted on having her convert to the one true faith. Now he can eat Welsh rarebit every night and it's kosher too!
Elizabeth Taylor also had to convert in order to marry Eddie Fisher. So much for the Fisher of Men; I don't see any hot chicks converting to marry Jesus Christ.
She's juicier than a savory pot roast, and Marilyn Monroe (Picture: ) is a Heeb! Thank four-eyed playwright Arthur Miller. He may be famous for penning Death of a Salesman, but in my book he's a real mensh for pulling Marilyn to the dreck side.
Steven Spielberg is a great director and a great Jew, so why wouldn't he want as much control over his personal life as his professional one? When he first went popeye over Kate Capshaw's (Picture: 1) bountiful bust in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) he claimed that territory for Jews and made her convert.
