Conan the Barbarian (1982)

It’s a barbarian skinvasion of breasts, butts, and beasts in the R rated sword n’ sorcery classic Conan the Barbarian (1982). Future “Governator” Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as the titular Conan, who is sold into slavery as a mere barbarian tyke. After a childhood spent laboring in (one can only assume) the weight room, Conan becomes a bad ass gladiator with revenge on his mind and muscles on his bod. With the help of a band of thieves, Conan searches for the sorcerer who ordered the genocide of his people, cannibal cult leader Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). What will Conan do when he finds the evil necromancer? Hint: it involves a big ol’ sword. Speaking of, your flesh sword will magically triple in size when you see a be-thonged babe (Leslie Foldvary) perform a fabulously Freudian snake dance. If watching her bouncing cheeks isn’t arousing enough, she also flashes her rack! Depending on whether you like your ladies to be regal or bewitching, the movie gives us a princess (French fox Valerie Quennessen) and a witch (Cassandra Gava) who conjures up her tush and bush! But save some of your strength, because you’ll be unsheathing your blade when volcanically voluptuous Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) displays her naked T&A! As Arnold fondles her funbags, he puts the motion into this motion picture. No wonder the popular flick spawned the sequel Conan the Destroyer (1989) and the remake Conan The Barbarian (2011) with Jason Momoa. We’re waiting with mastur(bated) breath for the next Conan installment!