Cyborg (1989)

Take two million dollars' worth of costumes and sets from failed Spiderman and He-Man movies, cobble together a screenplay to use them somehow, and throw in a fresh off the success of Bloodsport (1988) Muscles from Brussels, Jean-Claude Van Damme to play the lead, and you've got the sci-fi karate flick Cyborg (1989). Yes, when Cannon Films ran out of money to buy the licenses to the two big screen adaptations that they planned on making, but desperately needed to find a way to recoup the cash, Albert Pyun wrote this post-apocalyptic flick and settled on JCVD as his star when Chuck Norris turned him down. There’ll be plenty of Van Damage to your love muscle thanks to this tale of the martial-arts expert kickboxing his way cross country to escort a cyborg who has a cure for the plague that’s afflicting Atlanta. Pearl Prophet (Deborah Richter) got turned into a cyborg so she could bring the missing information the CDC needed from the NYC computer where it was stored, all the way back across a post-apocalyptic America to their HQ in Atlanta. The problem is, the psychotic Fender Tromolo (Vincent Klyn) wants it for himself, recognizing how powerful having the cure would make him. When her first bodyguard dies, Van Damme decides he'll escort Pearl to Atlanta since Fender killed his family. She ends up kidnapped, so a hottie named Nady (Deborah Richter) joins up with Jean-Claude so they can take down Fender and save the day. Splits, spin kicks, oiled up biceps, you know how JCVD does. Just throw in some post-apocalyptic, Mad Max style stuff and you've basically got it figured out. But there is one scene that switches up the formula. After showing buns and bush while running naked on the beach, Deborah Richter takes off a shawl to show Jean-Claude her cans. They're incredible, but get this, he's so focused on revenge that he rejects her getting on top of her offer to focus on getting back at Fender. Or maybe sex with random chicks isn't as much fun in a post-plague Apocalypse as it is these days. Either way. Personally, we think JCVD should've went for it, and hoped the CDC could do something about any super-VD he ended up with. It's a fun flick, but the most unrealistic part of the post-apocalyptic punch-em-up Cyborg is that Jean Claude could resist that bod!