The English Patient (1996)

Anthony Minghella’s epic adaptation of The English Patient (1996) begins with a pan across a hilly desert. Or is it a curvaceous woman’s lounging body? Men try to conquer both in this romantic drama. Based on Michael Ondaatje’s same-named novel which is based on Hungarian aristocrat László Almásy, the R-rated movie centers around Almásy (Ralph Fiennes). We, and a French-Canadian combat nurse called Hana (Juliette Binoche), first encounter him in Italy, circa 1944. Burned beyond recognition, he’s on his deathbed at the close of World War II. If you’re still reading, then this period piece will keep your interest despite its 162-minute runtime. Indeed, Ms. Binoche provides ample reasons to sit through the saga. As Hana gives Almásy morphine, he recalls his affair with Katharine Clifton (Kristin Scott-Thomas) during the 1930s. Although she’s married, he explores Kate just like the Sahara. This is evident when the two lay naked together and Almásy claims the base of her neck for himself. Silly fellow! Why not ask for her bare breasts instead? Kristin’s full frontal definitely looks fine when she bathes with Mr. Fiennes. Rub a dub dub! Meanwhile in the 1940s, Hana is falling for Lt. Kip (Naveen Andrews). In addition to revealing her rack in the sack, Ms. Binoche scrubs up her nude boobs in an outdoor tub. No wonder why she won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress! The film also picked up nine Academy Awards, five BAFTAs and two Golden Globes. Needless to say, this tear-jerker is a real masturbate-piece!