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My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

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Roaring off the screen in three glorious, gory-ous dimensions, My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009) is a remake of the two dimensional, 1981 slasher flick My Bloody Valentine (1981), and as far as remakes go, it's a bloody good one. The two dimensional original and this one are only sort of similar. On Valentine's Day, back in the late 90's, Harry Warden (Richard John Walters) survived a mine cave-in by killing all the other survivors so they'd stop breathing all that sweet, sweet oxygen. Apparently Harry learned to love murdering during his time down below the surface, since the next February 14th, he starts trying to slaughter a bunch of sexy teens with a pickaxe when they try to party in the mines. One of those partiers is Tom (Jensen Ackles), who the town is pretty sure screwed up with his methane control duties, resulting in the original collapse. During his rampage Harry gets shot at and apparently dies while falling in the cave, and a decade later Tom heads home looking to sell the mine for some cash. But when new bodies begin piling up thanks to a miner gear adorned killer who is happy to work well outside of the mine, Tom is the main suspect. Looking to prove his innocence and stop the slaying, he teams with his hot girlfriend Sarah Palmer (Jaime King) to prove his innocence and catch the real slayer. There are no canaries, just great cans in this mining flick. We get a quick shot of Megan Boone in a pair of panties, teasing with some cheekage as the kisses her boyfriend. That's really minor sexiness compared to what came next. The real gold to be struck in this one comes when the beautiful, busty blonde named Betsy Rue goes full frontal both during and after some insane Valentine's Day sex with a bald fella. He must have bought some fancy chocolates for that kind of effort from a girl with those tits! She poses after the riding which lets us see some post-stuffin muffin. But it's all about those bigums! We're begging for more horror flicks to be like My Bloody Valentine, and show a pair of DD's in 3-D!