By Peter Landau

The little house of horny, a dwelling in Long Island, New York, a possessed nightmare of real estate and supposed true story of haunting in suburbia, is immortalized on celluloid in The Amityville Horror (1979). With the big-budget remake opening in theaters today, MGM took the opportunity to debut the classic trilogy of the original hell house on April 5 with the magnificent four-disc set The Amityville Horror Collection.

Home was never the same after the release of The Amityville Horror, Amityville II: The Possession (1982), and Amityville 3-D (1983). The box adds a chilling bonus disc, The Amityville Confidential, featuring two documentaries on the real-life Lutz family and a sneak-peek on-location featurette about the remake.

But what the hype related to the release of this seminal series neglects are the skintastic sights sandwiched between the scary screams. That's where Mr. Skin, your guide to where celebrity and nudity intersect, comes in. Follow the masturbator for a trip down mammary lane with stops at all three features collected in the box set, as well as those straight-to-video knockoffs not included in this deluxe edition. The franchise might want to forget about them, but Skin Central won't. For where's there's skin, there's Mr. Skin.

The Amityville Horror (1979)
Wicked spirits weren't the only ones attracted to that family home in Amityville, Long Island. The randy specters saw Margot Kidder (Picture: 1 - 2) move in and knew where to focus their evil eyes. Margot, no stranger to letting it all hang out in a career that's spanned from Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx (1970) to Little Treasure (1985), was up for the topless task. Here she lets her heavy yet firm pair bobble from her open shirt as she talks to husband James Brolin. The only horror is that Helen Shaver, in a bit part as Carolyn, doesn't show her bit parts. She had already exposed everything she's got, including a hairy patch, in her nude debut In Praise of Older Women (1978) and offered up a tempting tush in High-Ballin' (1978). Her breast exposure is in Desert Hearts (1985), so the real tragedy of this flick is that Helen, who is definitely not a Shaver, didn't up the naked Amityville with her own nude scene.

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
More a prequel, this second helping of the horror series goes back to when the Montelli family lived in the infamous home and suffered a son possessed by a murderous rage. He kills the entire family with a shotgun, but, no dummy, he first tries to seduce his sister Diane Franklin (Picture: 1 - 2). It is the only nudity in the film and a fine addition to Diane's skinful career, which began that same year with The Last American Virgin (1982) and ended shortly afterward, though with a bang, in the revealing Second Time Lucky (1984). That the nutty brother didn't knock on the door of mama Montelli, played by the lustful Latvian Rutanya Alda, proves that he was working with a demon-clouded mind. Rutanya may not be nude here, but she wowed audiences in her bloomers and boobers in Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (1973) and gave Philip Marlowe something sexy to investigate in The Long Goodbye (1973). If only the ghouls took possession of her goodies, oh, what a pants thriller this would have been!

Amityville 3-D (1983)
The housing market is so bad that even a haunted house in Amityville won't stay listed for long. Another family moves in for the third installment, but the really bad thing is that there's no nudity in this 3-D version, a technique that could have really augmented the already ample charms of the most skinful Amityville cast to date. Candy Clark's first skin was opposite the interstellar charms of co-star David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976). It's obvious why aliens are attracted to our little green world. Mars isn't the only planet that needs women! Sweet Candy continued to keep us awake in The Big Sleep (1978) and got colorful in When Ya Comin' Back, Red Ryder? (1979). Meanwhile, Lori Loughlin may or may not have exposed a slip of the nip in Suckers (1998), but even a body double wouldn't have sucked in the 3-D segment of the trilogy. And then there's Meg Ryan, America's Sweetheart, who had yet to flash her sweet tarts. That first occurred in Promised Land (1988), and she really rocks in The Doors (1991). But it wasn't until In the Cut (2003) that Meg's pegs really stood out. Too bad Sally didn't meet Hairy . . . yet.

The following are not included in MGM's generous box set, but considering how skinful these later horrors are, let's hope they get packaged up for the perverted soon!

Amityville: The Evil Escapes (1989)
Again, no nudity, which makes strike two. And again, there was no reason to be so skingy with a trio of trollops who have gladly shown off their goods before. Take Patty Duke... please! But seriously, fucks, Patty's patties are a tempting pattern in By Design (1982), and she's Got Milk in a breastfeeding scene that will have viewers crying like a baby. Father definitely knew best about Jane Wyatt, who may have used a body double for her pre-Hayes Code nudity in Lost Horizon (1937), but the film is so old who can remember? And Zoe Trilling has been making the streets safe for voyeurs since flashing her coppers in To Protect and Serve (1992). She gave us the shakes with Nervous Ticks (1992) and made the evening erotic in Night Terrors (1993). So not only does The Evil Escape in this flick, but so, sadly, does the skin.

The Amityville Curse (1990)
Strike three! No nudity in this cursed movie. If Skin Central played by the rules, this series would be called out. But at least Cassandra Gava got into our skinful sights with Dead Aim (1987). And we took aim with our love gun.

Amityville 1992: It's About Time (1992)
Good thing Mr. Skin gave this series a chance to redeem itself, which it finally does here, and it's about time! Get it? The evil spirits enter the home by a clock. It had been a while since Shawn Weatherly's (Picture: 1) nude debut in Thieves of Fortune (1989), but fans of her plastic fantastic lovers were amply rewarded when she opened this sequel on top of Stephen Macht. Her breasts are in full view, and those big girls are full all right, but her vocal enthusiasm for the sex scene makes this the Shawn of a hot movie.

Amityville: A New Generation (1993)
Things really got heated as a nude generation revitalized the haunted house, which was now possessed by a mirror. Singapore sex kitten Julia Nickson-Soul earned her skin chops in such nudies as Man Against the Mob: The Chinatown Murders (1989) and K2 (1991) before showing her egg rolls in a sex scene here. But the best was saved for last, as White Tiger (1996) brought out the beast in her. Fifteen minutes into this Amityville installment Lala Sloatman is doing it and showing her lalas. They didn't come out to play again until Net Games (2003), but by then the old girl was using a body double. While not naked here, Barbara Howard uses her own body when it's called for in all its nude glory. That was in a steamy shower scene from another great horror dynasty, Friday the 13th: Part IV (1984). And Kim Anderson looks tasty in the Porky's (1981) rip-off Hot Times at Montclair High (1989), though her most delicious nudity is in the straight-to-video Rock Video Girls (1991). She's got the beat that you can really beat-off to!

Amityville: Dollhouse (1996)
She may be a star now, with That 70's Show a TV hit, but before Lisa Robin Kelly (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) was famous she was showing off her dolls in this toy-house version of the great scare series. It's her only skin to date, and now that she's a TV darling it may be the last time we'll lust for her swollen nipples. Rachel Duncan made it two for two, but hot Canadian Starr Andreeff (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) got about as sexy as you can get without peeling off her clothing, even though she already had a history of that in Dance of the Damned (1988). History has a way of repeating itself, as she proved with another skinful turn in Club Vampire (1997). Lenore Kasdorf adds more playtime to Dollhouse, and it's nice to see her girls again. They were Missing in Action (1984) after Chuck Norris ripped off her dress in that movie and exposed her right breast. All right!

The Amityville Horror (2005)
The current Hollywood trend is to remake classic horror such as Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead, the latter featuring some decent nudity. On the bright side of Amityville, this remake stars Australian arouser Melissa George, who went the full monty in Dark City (1998). Let's hope this series isn't cursed to underutilize the Down Under charmer. Mr. Skin is on the job, so keep posted to this skin channel.

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