By Rufus Liam Lipbaum
[Editor's Note:Author Rufus Liam Lipbaum is a Uni-Vegan and radical Lamaze activist from the ecologically conscious, racially harmonious, armed-guard-patrolled suburb of Dandelion Tinkle, California. He in no way endorses "celebrating" "nudity"--at least if it's female--but he likens his mission here to that of the Great Healer-Goddesses of History. "Those Life-Giving Matriarchs," Rufus explains, "sacrificed themselves by setting out into the most benighted areas to bring The Truth to the most backward of human specimens--in other words, those troglodytic thugs afflicted with the trilateral birth defect of testicles and penis. As was I."]
The women I admire would never allow their beauty to be belittled by merely fast-forwarding to the good parts. What are the "good parts" of Janeane Garofalo, Nina Totenberg or the Dixie Chicks anyway? Hmmm... could it be their minds? Methinks these talented, outspoken human beings are more than mere corporeal appendages.
Don't get me wrong, I love to bask in the glow of erotically empowered females like Liz Phair, Sarah Silverman or Cat Power. But, of course, my primary devotions -- erotic and otherwise -- are reserved for my LifePartner, the profoundly wise and eminently merciful Aemma Standish.
Please forgive my begging for compassion what with my being a caucasian American male and all, but there are moments when I need to unwind. My days are rewarding but exhausting, filled as they are with putting anti -George W. Bush bumper stickers on the family S.U.V. and faux-breastfeeding our two home-birthed, home-schooled, terrified-to-leave-home angels -- Braulio Standish, who's four, and Oprahangelou Standish, who's six. It should go without saying that our children took their mother's surname.
(By the way, Aemma and I are not blessed enough to have been born Hispanic or African-American, so we feel our children's first names make a statement of solidarity with the poor and downtrodden. This makes our maid, Salvadora, beam with pride. We even taught her to tell us -- in English, over and over again -- exactly how proud she is to caretake our bustling nest!)
After a day at her office, corporate lawyer Aemma likes to cardio-jog around our gated community while I put the kids to sleep. Then I set the mood by slipping a femme-empowering movie into the DVD player. For this I have to admit that Mr. Skin has proved helpful.
The following are some of the few movies on the site that are not completely objectifying to womyn (Aemma told me to spell it that way to castrate the evil root of man).
The Anniversary Party (2001)
This movie almost got me laid, really. My LifePartner burned her bra long ago in favor of wrapping her breasts down with restrictive bandages, so as to render her chest gender neutral. Aemma is so sick of watching busty cows bouncing all over big Hollywood pictures. As if that's sexy. No, less is more, I tell her; just look at A-cup babes Jane Adams (Picture: ) and Parker Posey (Picture: ) topless in the pool. Aemma actually let me massage her feet during that scene.
As Good As It Gets (1997)
Aemma suffers from societal-inflicted obsessive-compulsive disorder, so I rented this film to show my support. I had to turn my head, though, when Helen Hunt (Picture: ) bared her bosom before bathing. It felt creepy to observe such intimate behavior. To make myself feel better I took out my checkbook (Aemma insists that we keep different accounts) and contributed to both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, though I'd really prefer a black female president.
Autumn in New York (2000)
I love New York--well, the West Village, Soho, and such. Have you ever been to the Angelika Film Center? I wish all theaters would feature such important and smart movies. I'm happy to pay a premium for the privilege of communing with likeminded filmgoers. I thought this movie would be like a valentine to the city I love. It's even directed by Joan Chen, an Asian woman. How cool is that? But my LifePartner was disgusted by the May-September romance. It didn't help that I told her about the nip slip from Winona Ryder (Picture: ). Thanks, Mr. Skin. That left me sleeping on the couch for a week!
The Bridges of Madison County (1995)
Mr. Skin got me in trouble again when I rented this and told my darling LifePartner that--not to worry--it wasn't Meryl Streep (Picture: ) baring her bosom, but a body double. She looked at me crossly. Subscribing to Mr. Skin, she told me, was not "ethical consuming."
Closer (2004)
Aemma and I take pride in our progressive politics, and that bleeds over to our taste in the edgier arts, which is why I love this movie. At least I thought I did, until my LifePartner educated me on the horrors of the sex trade. I made it a point to watch the scenes with Natalie Portman (Picture: - ) as a table dancer over and over again until I beat down my erection to a limp noodle, so as to train myself to be more sensitive to the plight of womyn.
The English Patient (1996)
Sometimes I lie in bed next to my LifePartner and think of myself as mortally wounded, so maybe she'll nurse me, massage me, well, I'd settle for just touching me. I thought I might give her a hint with this movie. I told her how gorgeous I found Juliette Binoche (Picture: ), and we agreed that the French are a superior culture. But Aemma was not happy to see me ogling Kristin Scott Thomas (Picture: ) completely nude in the tub. I told her I was just shocked by England's support of America's disastrous invasion of Iraq.
Hideous Kinky (1998)
My LifePartner practices yoga, as she's very in tune with Eastern religious enlightenment and refused to circumcise little Braulio, much to my relatives' shock. She got this movie for us to watch. I thought it was my lucky night (finally), but this is no porno, not that I would ever watch anything so exploitative. I looked it up on Mr. Skin when my LifePartner wasn't around, so I could strategically leave the room during Kate Winslet's (Picture: ) nude scene.
Holy Smoke! (1999)
Sometimes I miss big boobs. I do. And so while on Mr. Skin I looked around for other films with Kate Winslet. (Picture: ) Holy smokes! I mean, what a movie, at least the clip I watched. I was going to pick it for movie night, only it gave me such an erection, I'm embarrassed to admit, that I had to relieve myself then and there! My LifePartner came in the computer room just as I released my seed. Thankfully I quickly uploaded The Daily Show's website. It was weird ejaculating to Jon Stewart's smiling face, but I have to say he's a handsome man.
If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000)
Homosexuals are so much better than us. I wish I were gay! They're outside society and don't have to play the same games as uptight nine-to-fivers. Why they want to join the military and get married is beyond me. I was up late one night watching this lesbian drama on HBO. It was so uplifting to see Ellen DeGeneres (Picture: ), Chlo?evigny (Picture: ), Sharon Stone (Picture: ), and Michelle Williams (Picture: ) expressing their desires so openly. They don't need men to get off. And, I learned, I don't need my LifePartner... don't tell her I said that!
In the Cut (2003)
Aemma likes Meg Ryan (Picture: ). She gives to all the right causes. It's so wonderful to know there are actresses who use their fame for good. I got to see her womanly parts in this movie. If I'm as selfless as Meg maybe one day my LifePartner will treat me to hers.
Laurel Canyon (2002)
I'm old enough to remember the revolutionary days (and nights) of the '60s. It was a real nostalgic trip for us to watch this. I used to date a girl like Frances McDormand (Picture: ), only she lost the cause. She's now a Republican, a devout Christian even. That's about as evil as evil can be. A real Hitler! How could she let the dream die?
Lovely & Amazing (2001)
More like ugly and unremarkable! How could Nicole Holofcener call herself a strong, independent womyn and create such a repulsive scene as when Emily Mortimer (Picture: ) strips naked for Dermot Mulroney for a brutal critique of her exposed body? Aemma had a bit too much pinot grigio the night we watched this. She made me get nude and began to point out all of my shortcomings. She thought it was hilarious. I cried myself to sleep.
The Misadventures of Margaret (1998)
Only Parker Posey understands me! I watched this one alone and hugged myself in the dark pretending it was Parker. When she's topless in the tub I hugged myself a little lower. My LifePartner was roused by the sound of the TV, which I turned off quickly. "It's just Michael Moore on The Charlie Rose Show," I told her. Aemma rubbed the sleep from her eyes and said, "You're fat, why aren't you on TV?"
Mississippi Masala (1992)
Michael Richards should be castrated for using the N-word. Those people are so much nobler than we lily-white slave owners. I'm not ashamed to say that I got an erection for Denzel Washington in this movie, so much so that I almost missed the brief flashes of Sarita Choudhury's (Picture: ) breasts. Can you blame me? He's so stunning! So noble! So... articulate!
The Piano (1993)
Holly Hunter (Picture: ) deserved the Oscar for this brave performance. Mr. Skin cruelly lampoons this with his Anatomy Awards, which I think is so base. It's like he thinks we men are nothing but animals constantly pulling at our penises for a brief moment of onanistic pleasure. I read Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn, and Get Your War On for pleasure! Of course, if I hide out in the computer room on occasion with my pants around my ankles, well, that's only natural. It's nothing to feel guilty about. That's what locked doors are for.
Pretty Woman (1990)
This movie's title neatly sums up my better half. No, she's not a high-priced prostitute. I wish. I mean, she's a pretty woman, as beautiful as Julia Roberts (Picture: ), even if she's been having a wee bit of trouble getting off that pregnancy weight. Sure it's been five years since the birth of our youngest, but you can't understand the scrutiny womyn are under in our weight-conscious society!
Secretary (2002)
I can relate to this. As subservient as Maggie Gyllenhaal (Picture: - ) is in this movie, I am more so to my beloved. She likes to hit me, and I like for her to do so because when she tires, and if I'm not too sore, she may allow me to indulge in her body.
Shakespeare in Love (1998)
First off, I'm no fool. William Shakespeare never wrote a word. This movie is a fantasy, a charming one, but a fantasy nonetheless. The plays of the Bard are actually penned by a great African tribesman. Shakespeare, like all white men, simply stole the work and called it his own. But I can enjoy a diversion, and watching Gwyneth Paltrow (Picture: ) in drag gave my LifePartner an idea. Thankfully I'm too big to fit into any of her clothing.
Sherrybaby (2005)
That womyn feel they have to shave their sacred yonis and offer so-called "blowjobs" for employment shows just how much farther we, ah, that's womyn still have to go to achieve their goal for equality. Bravo for Maggie Gyllenhaal's shocking expos?ere. That she was also able to turn me on so much is only a testament to her great talents as a thespian. At least, that's what I told Aemma when she caught me masturbating to this movie.
Splash (1984)
After that exposure, I was in the doghouse... literally. Luckily we believe animals are equal to human beings, and the doghouse is liberally equipped with cable TV, internet, heating and A/C, a bed, and a couch. I got the couch, but it has a better view of the TV so I was able to enjoy this movie and especially Daryl Hannah (Picture: ). She made a splash in my pants! Did I just write that? God, Mr. Skin, you're corrupting me!
Something's Gotta Give (2003)
The dog made me turn down the Wilco I was listening to. It made him howl. He lifted his leg when I dialed the radio to NPR, so I returned to the TV and this was on. I always thought of myself as a Woody Allen type and, of course, held a lifelong crush on Diane Keaton (Picture: ). What a pleasure to see her completely naked; she's held up quite well. I was so excited watching that scene that I hardly noticed the dog humping my leg. You've got to get it where you can.
Titanic (1997)
I bought this and waved it like a white flag in front of Aemma. She's a hopeless romantic, but I forgot it stars the curvaceous Kate Winslet (Picture: ), whose bountiful bosom and humpable hips only enflame Aemma with jealousy. I mean, rage. My LifePartner got so upset that she ran to seek counsel with our transgendered Wicca-Buddhist minister. S/he told Aemma to call the police.
Women in Film (2001)
I'm at a fairly nice facility. There are no bars on the cells. And I don't have to look behind me whenever I drop the soap in the shower, though, honestly, I could use a tender touch. So I gave myself one watching of this in the community room. I've always loved the Hollywood satires of Bruce Wagner, especially when I can feel smug and superior while also being aroused by hot blondes Beverly D'Angelo (Picture: ) and Portia de Rossi (Picture: ). My LifePartner always hated blondes. Funny, when she last paid me a visit, she had bleached her hair and was very affectionate with our attorney.
Working Girl
The judge gave me probation. When I got home, the LifePartner and kids, even the dog, were gone. The house had been put up for sale. The armed guards that patrol our neighborhood told me I had to leave. I went to the local revival house and watched Melanie Griffith (Picture: ) in this comedy. I didn't laugh as I was carried off for public indecency.
