SKINcoming -- March 2005!By James Hollis Smith

Have you already begun practicing your raspy throat so you can call in sick on St. Patrick's Day? Well, you lucky lookers, we've got just the thing to fill up those hours of gleeful self-attention. The following productions--on DVD for the first time--will ensure that March comes in like a loin and out like a mam! What's your pleasure? We're proud to offer double doses of Jude Law (sorry) and Susan Sarandon (you're welcome!), former porn stars, future has-beens, a few never-wases, and, yes, even Warren Oates. Now drop your pants and put on your boots, because we're about to begin our March toward nudity . . .

Out on Tuesday, March 1

Easy (2003, Universal)
Easy is either a truthful depiction of a healthy girl's sexual and intellectual appetites as she comes to terms with what she wants and needs from men, or it's a twisted depiction of the kind of beautiful jerk-magnet that jerks everywhere would like to believe is waiting just around the corner for them. Either way, the film works. Mostly because it's driven by the talented beauty that is Marguerite Moreau (Picture: 1 - 2), who provides ample nudity during her sex scenes. Magnifique Marguerite kept us very hard in Easy, playing a woman who has to choose between two men. (In real life, her choices of men are infinite!) One look at Margie and you'll agree it's worth a stay in the House of Pain for a dose of this Moreau! Marguerite cut her teeth playing Melanie on the hormone-boot-camp Blossom, but you may also know Ms. Moreau as the former Connie Moreau in the family-friendly movie franchise The Mighty Ducks. Hey, Emilio, nice coaching!

White Palace (1990, Universal Pictures)
Young widower James Spader finds love with elder waitress Susan Sarandon (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) in this May/December love story written by screenwriter Ted Tally of The Silence of the Lambs (1991) fame. James puts his lotion in Susan's basket, and she gets the hose during a wild sex scene. Then James tosses Susan's fava beans while her breasts tempt and tease above the covers. Striking a blow for thirty and below, Maria Pitillo (Picture: 1) shows her pillows in a flesh-filled flashback, and K.C. Carr (Picture: 1) is on hand as a pasty-clad stripper. You'll love Jason Alexander as Spader's friend, wearing the most obvious toupee this side of Bill Shatner. But you'll have trouble taking your eyes off Ms. Sarandon--jiggling with abandon--as you imagine what it would be like to soak your boat in her moat and storm her palace!

My Own Private Idaho (1991, Criterion)
Director Gus Van Sant dropped this catatonic, filthy-fingernail of a nic fit on an unsuspecting public, and surrealistic, Shakespeare-influenced, male-hustler-themed buddy pictures were never the same. River Phoenix stars as Mike, a gay prostitute who, as a narcoleptic, could fall asleep at any time. Keanu Reeves chews up the scenery as his pal Scott, a straight-rich-kid-cum-hustler. The film's all cleaned up and passes the usual Criterion white-glove test when it comes to picture and sound. What better way to see Keanu's beautiful road conquest Chiara Caselli in all her glory? You'll bop your bologna to "Bologna, Italy's finest" as Chiara reveals her Idahoans in a topless sex scene. If Keanu's character needed any further proof that his character was truly straight, Chiara's it! Idaho provides a sweetly evocative respite from the hustle and bustle of our hustling lives. Don't sleep on it!

Wonder Woman: The Complete Second Season (1976, Warner Brothers)
Few women can truthfully say they had the '70s by the short and curlies: Catherine Bach, Farrah Fawcett, and Lynda Carter can! And only Lynda can say that she did it in the sexiest outfit ever. Daisy Dukes? Lynda's shorts are even shorter. And she wears them with thigh-high boots! Years before American Gladiators and Fear Factor--and Miller beer commercials--capitalized on men's obsession with seeing ladies battle it out, Wonder Woman had our attention span all tied up--and we have to tell the truth, it turned us on. If all that true-blue titillation doesn't float your Amazonian boat, just pop in Lynda's topless masterpiece, Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw (1976), where she stars opposite child-minister-turned-B-movie-freakjob Marjoe Gortner. Lynda's swimming-hole frolicking will have you very nostalgic for a return to that beautifully bountiful bicentennial year.

Out on Tuesday, March 8

Stage Beauty (2004, Artisan)
Ultra-skingy superstar Clair Danes (Picture: 1 - 2) finally flashes a breast (on purpose!) in this period piece about the first women to play female roles in seventeenth-century England. With real babes playing babes, erstwhile leading lady Billy Crudup suddenly finds himself out of work. Claire, Billy's ex-dresser-turned-actress, is falling for the gender-challenged actor. Claire lifts Billy's spirits--and ours--as she flashes one breast while sitting on a throne and another breast while riding Billy boy in bed. I guess we can buy Mr. Crudup's make-believe acting obstacle, but Billy's real-life acting couldn't be going better: starring opposite Jennifer Connelly twice, Kate Hudson, Monica Potter, and now Claire? What a tough life Billy has. Throw this DVD in on a night when you want your girl to think you're giving in to her chick-flick tendencies. She'll get to see a nice story, and you'll get to see some nice breasts. I can't speak for Claire, but my so-called life improved once I got a look at those great Danes!

Out on Tuesday, March 15

Alfie (2004, Paramount Pictures)
Who do women see as the sexiest man alive? Someone who looks gay but isn't? Enter Jude Law in this remake about the ultimate cockney bad boy, Alfie. While missing the original's style, grit, ingenuity, timeliness, and, well, quality, this sequel upgrades when it comes to the female cast. Susan Sarandon instead of Shelley Winters? Yes, please! Marisa Tomei and Nia Long are a salt 'n' pepper one-two punch that's sexy as hell, even though they keep their shakers on. Flesh is provided, however, by busty bimbo Jane Krakowski. You may remember her as the loose cannon on Ally McBeal who was always looking to rifle through male attorneys' briefs. The flick's nude highlight occurs when Jude's real-life main squeeze Sienna Miller squeezes into some adorably tiny panties--and nothing else--for a topless turn that would make any Alfie feel like an Alpha male! Tag, ladies, you're "it"!

Out on Tuesday, March 22

Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974, MGM/UA)
If there's one mandate for the home-video landscape of the new millennium, it's the public's cry for "More Warren Oates!" Well, the powers that be have heard the screaming masses and are unleashing two great Warren Oates pictures on DVD. One, Cockfighter (1974), is a masterpiece that deserves its own article, but Alfredo Garcia is not only a hell of a great film, it also fulfills our skin quotient masterfully. When a rich Mexican rancher utters the titular exclamation, two bounty hunters are sent to carry out the mission. Piano player Warren Oates figures he'll make a little money by bringing back Garcia's head himself, since his girlfriend, lusty Latina Isela Vega (Picture: 1 - 2), already knows where Alfredo's buried. But the road brings nothing but pain and misery for the couple. Two bikers: one of whom--in the unforgettable role of Paco--is the walking contradiction himself, Kris Kristofferson. Director Sam Peckinpah was at the height of his power, and he never blended sex and violence better than in this South-of-the-Border (Warren) Oater.

Out on Tuesday, March 29

Desperately Seeking Seka (2002, Grindhouse Pictures AB)
Let's face it: A lot of visitors are given to uttering those immortal words, "What ever happened to . . ." This is the exact premise the directors of Desperately Seeking Seka started out with. What ever happened to porn's most breathtaking blonde, Seka? Would she come back? Will she work for scale? All this and more is answered in the ambitious fuckumentary, which plumbs the depths (or scales the heights, depending on your religious affiliation) of the jizz biz. Seka (real name Dorothea Patton), though filled out, held up remarkably well, and tells a titillating tale. Sadly she doesn't strip down for an anatomical update. But there's so much frisky footage of a sexy, stark-naked Seka at the apex of her hard-bodied glory that it more than makes up for it. The obligatory talking heads are on hand, from Screw magnate Al Goldstein and septuagenarian coxswain Randy West to fellow lusty legend Veronica Hart. Sure, after a few minutes of them talking, you'll see why theirs is mostly a silent occupation, but the overall good vibes overpower shortcomings such as Goldstein's fat-bellied filibustering. In time to capitalize on the theatrical release of the Deep Throat documentary, this DVD is just the kind of behind-the-scenes orgy the doctor outlawed. This ain't your Daddy's porn--wait, this is your Daddy's porn! And Father knows best!

Orgazmo (1997, Rogue Pictures)
Way back before South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone decided to turn the world on its ear with puppet love, they made this simple story of a Mormon simpleton whose door-to-door bible-thumping goes awry when he trips backward into porn-film success as the titular superman. From that point on it's all fart jokes, naked mariachi bands, ass-fucked twins, and, yes, Ron Jeremy. Luckily real-life sword-swallowers Juli Ashton (Picture: 1) and Chasey Lain (Picture: ) are on hand to provide bare-breast atmosphere. One look at those porn-proven hooters and, as the theme song promises, "Now you're a man!"

National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003, MGM)
Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, a film best enjoyed drunk! Low expectations? Easy to please? Horny as hell? Have we got the film for you! The kid from Boy Meets World and the kid from that weird chocolate-milk commercial are all grown up and making not-so-grown-up movies. Hilarity ensues? Not really, but nowadays any time I see the words National Lampoon, I no longer think John Belushi, I think Nikki Schieler Ziering (Picture: 1), so as long as there's skin, there's hope. Nikki doesn't disappoint here, as she's yet again baring her boobs and rocking a thong. Showgirls and Striptease veteran Rena Riffel is also along for the ride. The gold diggers in question are not, as might be expected, Nikki and Rena (that would make for a fun movie!), but rather the two male dorks who come up with the great idea of marrying old broads Louise "Mary Hartman" Lasser and Ren?"What a load of Bologna!" Taylor in an attempt to fleece them out of their money. I know what you're thinking, and, yes, at one point we do get to see Ren?Taylor in a corset. Don't laugh; toward the end, I think Belushi wore one too.

Closer (2004, Columbia)
You've heard of a love triangle? Meet a love rhombus! Two corners of that rhombus are Natalie Portman (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4) and Julia Roberts, and the two have never looked sexier. ?er nancy-boy Jude Law is on hand with some other chump, but as long as we get those girls, who cares who the guys are? Natalie plays a former stripper who meets Jude on the street and falls in love. It isn't long, however, until People's Sexiest Man Alive falls for photographer Julia, who's part of another couple. Then Natalie and the dude from that couple get together. No, not Jude, I said, "dude". Complicated? Good. Convoluted couple-swapping doublespeak is the stuff Oscars are made of. Mike Nichols has the dream job of directing Hollywood's top-shelf tail in this tangled romantic tale. This flick's skin-defining moment comes, of course, during Natalie's burlesque sequence. For those of us who have been waiting to see any skinage from Ms. Portman, this isn't just a tasty morsel, it's a Passover meal. Natalie's always been sexy, but put her in a pink wig, a garter, freak-me pumps, and have her gyrate her flawless fanny in a thong and you've some finely aged Port, man! Perhaps this is the first small step toward a full-frontal turn that might reveal that rarest of all flowers, Natalie's Jerusalem tulip! Cross your fingers, fockers.

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