Calvaire (2004)

Calvaire (2004), a.k.a. The Ordeal, is a Belgian-made horror film that teaches viewers that their countries' backwoods psychopaths have nothing on Belgium's. Marc Stevens (Laurent Lucas) is a lounge singer living out of his van, whose car breaks down in the middle of nowhere en route to a gig at a nursing home. Luckily, before he freezes to death Marc is rescued by Mr. Bartel (Jackie Berroyer) who takes him back to the hotel where he lives. He's friendly, but kind of weird, although Marc is more than happy to accept his offer of a free place to stay and free van repair. But when Mr. Bartel trashes his van, steals his phone, puts Marc in a sundress and demands he act like Mr. Bartel's ex-wife, it's a full-blown nightmare for our crooner. Then, after a cuddle session, Bartel demands he act like his dead dog and lie on the floor to be pet and rubbed. Fleeing into town, Marc sees the townsfolk cheering on a boy banging a pig and realizes they're probably not going to be much help. Worse, they start believing he's the dead wife, and treat him as horrifically as it ends up they treated her in the past. Marc probably should have realized something was up when Mr. Bartel spent all that time talking on a landline phone that wasn't even hooked up to the wall, but there'll be plenty of time for second guessing all his worst decisions in life while he's in the closet dressing up as Mr. Bartel's wife. It's a crying shame because even though he lived in a van, things were going pretty well for Marc before the breakdown. In his car, he has all sorts of sexy Polaroids from his female fans, including a topless shot of Brigitte Lahaie. Sure, the member of the X-Rated Critics Organization Hall of Fame has done much more erotic stuff, but we still appreciated seeing her great pair in Calvaire.