Varsity Blues (1999)

Varsity Blues (1999) proves football is more than just a game. For starters, it tests what many young men are made of. For some, it means a scholarship to college that can pave the way to professional riches. At the very least, the sport prepares players for the greater challenges of life at large. Yet, most important of all, football prowess is an excellent tool to convince young women to take off their shirts! This MTV movie covers all that and more as it tackles a myriad of genres. Equal parts coming-of-age tale, sports story and comedy-drama saga, the R-rated flick features James Van Der Beek, Jon Voight, Paul Walker, Jesse Plemons, and Amy Smart’s pokies! The setting is a small town in Texas where the high school coach is a raging megalomaniac who has lost sight of the sport’s true value when the backup quarterback is precipitously thrust into the starting role. Even though the generic narrative may seem to be “by the numbers,” the film offers a plenty of fine figures to see! For example, topless Bristi Havins flashes her left nipplet when she’s literally hanging out of a car window. If that’s not titillating enough, Tonie Perensky plays a pole dancer — a part that requires the be-thonged beauty to bare her breasts on camera. Of course, you can forget about cheering since your hand will be busy doing the five knuckle shuffle when you get a gander at Ali Larter’s boobs and bush covered in whipped cream. Yummy!