The Keep (1983)

The Keep is a forgotten little horror movie from 1983. It's not particularly scary (unless you mean the cheesy-ass music from Tangerine Dream), the plot logistics are muddled (and that's just me being nice) and the whole movie is just too darn silly. Silly can be cool but not when you're trying to make a "Haunted Nazi Castle" sort of horror movie.Before Michael Mann hit it big with movies like The Insider and Last of the Mohicans, he tried to direct an artsy horror movie. It's about an ancient mountain fortress that holds within its walls a deep and horrifying eeeeeevil. Or something to that effect. When the Nazis show up and take over this 'keep', they promptly begin to die in horrifying ways - by the handfuls, at night. And real quietly. So the clever Nazis dig up a doddering old Jewish expert to read the signs inside the fortress. Let's just say the old Jewish fellow doesn't find good news. Yes, worse news than just the Nazis.The Keep is not a good movie. There are certainly worse choices you could make if you desperately HAD to rent a horror movie from the early eighties. What makes this movie a curiosity (in addition to the director and his wacky use of wind machines and strobe lights) is the cast.Jurgen Prochnow (of Das Boot and Beverly Hills Cop 2) is the “nice” Nazi sergeant. His plan seems to be to let his entire regiment slowly die before getting the hell out! This plan of inaction is interrupted by the “mean” Nazi who is played with manic glee by Gabriel Byrne! I was stunned to see him here and it's actually quite fun to see him doing his Colonel Klink impression and shooting people at will.Our heroes are Scott Glenn, who is made up with these wacky blue contact lenses that make him look like Superboy and a wheelchair-bound Jewish scientist played by...Ian McKellen. I'm not kidding! When we first meet his "Dr. Cuza" he is decrepit and near death. But the powers of The Keep somehow energize him and make him… less… crippled!There's an angry spirit afoot who swears to avenge the Jews killed in the camps. But the stupid town priest (good old Robert Prosky) says that it's just a trick and they shouldn't release the all-powerful evil darkness. Then the Nazis get furious about something in German and lots of shit explodes in slow motion. Or something. I was a little confused and I wasn’t even drinking at the time.If you're at all curious to see this bizarre mixture of A-list actors in a strange rock-video type horror movie, here it is. While horror fans may find slim pickings, maybe World War 2 buffs will enjoy it a little more. I just loved seeing Gabriel Byrne goose-stepping and he also gets sliced in half towards the end, which was even cooler.Nudity Report: Alberta Watson (The Sweet Hereafter) gives up the boobies in a brief lovemaking tryst, though The Keep is by no means a particularly ‘sexy’ movie.IMDB Summary: 674 IMDb users rate this one at 5.5/10.DVD Info: Currently unavailable on DVD, though Paramount (or hopefully Anchor Bay) should get around to it eventually.Written by: Scott Weinberg