By Mike McPadden
July means hot stuff. Hot temperatures, hot bodies at the beach, and, on DVD, hot new releases that don't skimp on the scantily clad honeys.
Below, MrSkin.com rounds up your best bets for a howlingly sexy viewing experience as you eke out the dog days of summer.
JULY 24, 2007
ANITA: DIARY OF A NYMPHOMANIAC (1973)
NUDES: Christina Lindberg (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt), Berit Agedahl (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt)
THE SKINNY: Banned in some countries for its provocative rendering of teen nymphomania, the X-rated sexploitation film Anita: Diary of a Nymphomaniac plays like a raw Scandinavian version of our own ABC After School Specials. Filmed in France and Sweden, the film tells the story of nubile young Anita (Christina Lindberg), a teen Lolita who discovers the perfect shoulder to lean on (and lap to sit on) in the older Erik (an early-career Stellan Skarsg?). Understandably controversial, the film is based on the real-life story of a ruthless sixteen-year-old who couldn't get enough. If she looked anything like Lindberg, she must have been a menace; the twenty-three-year-old Gothenburg-born babe flirts with just about everyone, including her horny and so-hot school counselor (Berit Agedahl).
THE BIG BAD SWIM (2006)
STUDIO: Echo Bridge Home Entertainment
NUDES: Paget Brewster (Picture: 1) (left breast)
THE SKINNY: The Big Bad Swim dives into a tale of aqua-phobic adults who converge on a suburban gym to take swimming lessons and, thereby, overcome their fears of plunging into the various perilous splash-downs that life has to offer. Former Friends babe Paget Brewster plays a high-school math teacher, and she makes her nude debut here, displaying her left-side flotation device while practicing the buddy system in bed with one of her male pool pals. That'll give you a big bad swim trunk!
DELIVERY BOY CHRONICLES (2004)
STUDIO: Reel Indies
NUDES: Heather Cates Cielo (Picture: 1) (breasts), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Burnt out, over thirty, and heading nowhere, Mike (Ralph Price) is the titular hero who gets chronicled in the trippy sleeper The Delivery Boy Chronicles. In between schlepping sandwiches and fries to customers all over Atlanta, Mike harvests magic mushrooms and is occasionally visited by a dude in a camel costume. Headier still, Mike and his pals frequent a local strip club, and we get to ogle the ripe Georgia peaches as they sway. Heather Cates Cielo gets topless as one of the peelers and, boy, does she deliver.
NUDES: Keeley Hazell (Picture: ) (breasts), Janine-May Tinsley (Picture: 1) (breasts), Hayley-Marie Coppin (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt), Irene Bagach (Picture: 1) (breasts), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Cashback started life as an Oscar-nominated 2005 short subject in which a supermarket clerk (Sean Biggerstaff) could freeze time. Being a young man after Mr. Skin's heart, he would then undress the female customers wherever they stood-giving the viewer a Biggerstaff of his own. The feature-length Cashback provides the lucky clerk with a backstory involving a broken heart and-yes!-even more motivation to separate shapely lady shoppers from their outfits. When it comes to nudity, Cashback is an all-out jackpot.
THE CHAMBERMAID (2004)
STUDIO: MTI Home Video
NUDES: Fiona Horsey (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt)
THE SKINNY: Moms and sons in the hotel business together have a rocky history in the movies. Mother and Norman Bates spring immediately to mind, and they are provided with a disastrously worthy parent-child pair in the British fright-fest The Chambermaid. The hotel run by Michael (Paul Conway) and his sick mum (Jessica Barnes) is torn asunder when luscious Fiona Horsey comes on board in the titular position. Mind games, faked sex, drugged sex, pregnancy scares, and blackmail threats ensue, and Fiona repeatedly ditches her cleaning-lady outfit in the process. The Chambermaid will have you mopping up after you see it.
THE CONTRACT (2006)
STUDIO: First Look
NUDE: Megan Dodds (Picture: 1) (butt)
THE SKINNY: Director Bruce Beresford's thriller The Contract casts Morgan Freeman as Frank Cordell, a world-class assassin who gets nabbed by the FBI and then, after an accident, finds himself in the custody of Washington state high-school teacher and single father Ray Keene, played by John Cusack. Ray is determined to deliver the killer to justice, traveling with him over rough outdoor terrain while Cordell's lethally effective team tries to spring their leader. Amidst the onslaught of action, Megan Dodds flashes seat meat while hopping out of a raging river. Your lap will know how that river feels.
THE EXTERMINATING ANGELS (2006)
STUDIO: Genius Entertainment
NUDES: Lise Bellynck (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt), Maroussia Dubreuil (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt), Marie Allan (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt), Apolline Louis (Picture: 1) (FFN, butt)
THE SKINNY: Sex-intensive French cinema iconoclast Jean-Claude Brisseau follows up his torrid Secret Things (2002) (Picture: ) with The Exterminating Angels, the tale of a movie director obsessed with chronicling erotic pleasure in the human female. Fr?ric van den Driessche portrays the married filmmaker, whose actress auditions invariably explode into lesbian orgies and all-out onslaughts of highly aroused, full-frontally exposed flesh. These exterminating angels will turn you into one horny devil.
THE LONG WEEKEND (2005)
NUDES: Catherine Devine (Picture: 1) (breasts), Holly Eglington (Picture: 1) (breasts), Jennifer Walther (Picture: 1) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Ed Waxman (Brendan Fehr) is uptight, responsible, and thoroughly adult. His brother Cooper (Chris Klein) is a sex-mad party animal. Put these boys together for a couple of days and you've got The Long Weekend. Seeing Ed mope about after a break motivates Cooper to launch himself into mega-stud overdrive in an attempt to help his younger sibling change his luck with the ladies. All manner of disastrous confusion, hilarious embarrassment, and, breast of all, spontaneous female nudity results as the bro's plans go uproariously awry. This is one weekend that will leave male viewers long.
MALPERTUIS: DIRECTOR'S CUT (1971)
NUDES: Susan Hampshire (Picture: 1) (FFN)
THE SKINNY: Based on a classic fantasy novel by Belgian author Jean Ray, Malpertuis spins a stylish web of gothic weirdness and high Euro-'70s sensuality via filmmaker Harry K?-who also helmed the lesbian vampire classic Daughters of Darkness (Picture: 1) the very same year. As spectacularly wealthy Quentin Cassavius (Orson Welles) lies dying, he summons a gaggle of relatives to Malpertuis, the mansion of the title. He then announces that each will receive an equal cut of his fortune, just as long as they never leave the grounds. Beyond that, the last male and female heirs to survive must marry. Added to the mix is Jan (Mathieu Carri?), a drunken sailor who comes to in the midst of these oddball characters. Each time someone tries to flee, a ghastly fate awaits them. Ultimately Jan unlocks the secrets of Malpertuis, and what he finds is mind-blowing on a pre-Biblical scale. Packing even more wallop is Susan Hampshire, who bares boobs and bush.
PERFUME: THE STORY OF A MURDERER (2006)
NUDES: Jessica Schwarz (Picture: 1) (breasts, butt), Karoline Herfurth (breasts), Sara Forestier (breasts, butt), Cristina Sol?a (left breast), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Based on a mind-blowing, nose-swelling freakout of a 1985 novel, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer chronicles the rancid rise and fragrant fall of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille (Ben Whishaw), who becomes the most esteemed scent-maker in all of eighteenth-century Paris-using diabolical means, of course. Grenouille is born in a fish market and raised in a leather tannery, where he develops a superhuman sense of smell. A day trip to the city leads him to the perfume shop of Giuseppe Baldini (Dustin Hoffman), and Grenouille finds his life's calling. In time, he also finds that distilling the essence of gorgeous teenage females as he squeezes them to death provides his bottled odors with powers beyond that of any other toilet water. From there, Perfume escalates into a sumptuous, scent-sational epic that climaxes with one of the most spectacularly populated naked orgies ever captured on film. Perfume-it don't stink!
SHADOW PUPPETS (2007)
NUDE: Natasha Alam (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: Eight strangers wake up in what seems to be a mental institution. Nobody knows how they got there; nobody can imagine what they're supposed to do, other than survive. Because the one thing they all realize in a hurry is that someone-or something-is trying to kill them. More specifically, the unseen enemy is trying to impale them. So opens the effective fright flick Shadow Puppets. Enterprise stunner Jolene Blalock leads the cast through the intense proceedings, but it's nudecomer Natasha Alam who truly rises to the occasion by stepping out of her clothes. Shadow Puppets will have you playing with your pants puppet.
SLOW BURN (2005)
NUDES: Jolene Blalock (Picture: 1) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: Slow Burn is a hot thriller that gets more confusing as it goes on, until it finally resolves itself in a head-scratching twist that makes little sense. But who needs sense when there's Jolene Blalock, the enterprising alien from Star Trek: Enterprise, as a biracial assistant district attorney who may or may not be responsible for murder. Is she lying? With those huge tits, who cares? They may be fake, but they are ready for their close-up and turn Slow Burn into one of the year's most scorching nude debuts.
STUDIO: Genius Products
NUDES: Leonor Watling (Picture: 1) (breasts), Ana Rayo (Picture: 1) (right breast, bush)
THE SKINNY: Luscious Leonor Watling plays Alma, the very pregnant wife of a Freudian therapist (Alex Brendem?/b) who abandons her in Unconscious, a sly, stylish romantic comedy for grown-ups set in 1913 Barcelona. Attempting to uncover the reason for her husband's vamoosing, Alma teams on a fact-finding mission with her brother-in-law, Salvador (Luis Tosar). Love naturally finds its way into their partnership, and Leonor, even more naturally, finds more than one way to scorch the screen with her searing sensuality.
JULY 31, 2007
300: TWO-DISC SPECIAL EDITION (2006)
STUDIO: Warner Home Video
NUDES: Kelly Craig (left breast, butt), Lena Headey (breasts), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: The blood-soaked, highly stylized international blockbuster 300 chronicles ancient Spartan musclemen numbering in the titular figure as they lay spectacular waste to thousands upon thousands of Persian marauders during the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C. King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) leads Sparta's most buff in their multi-color combat against the armies of King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro). Based on a graphic novel by comic-book genius Frank Miller, 300 is saved from being an epic sausage fest by a freaky-kinky all-girl orgy, Kelly Craig as the trippy-hot Oracle Girl, and perfect 10 Lena Headey, whose topless shots are heady indeed.
NUDES: Molly Berg (Picture: 1) (breasts), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: A whackadoodle brood of sticks-dwelling dudes are deadly serious about family planning in Bloodlines, the tale of the matenapping Hackford family and their evil breeding schemes. Strong, independent Grace Johnston wakes up in a room with two strange women and realizes that she's been whisked away against her will to be filled with inbred-from-way-back babies. Understandably unhappy with this state of affairs, Grace teams up with her fellow brood mare Tracy Kay Wolfe to defeat the randy rednecks-led by head brother Billy Bob (Jason Padgett). Meanwhile, Grace's brothers (Douglas Tait and Dorian Kingi) track down the Hackfords, looking to clobber some sick, slobbering hicks who live to stick it in strangers in their house in the sticks.
THE DARWIN AWARDS (2006)
STUDIO: 20th Century Fox
NUDE: Juliette Lewis (Picture: 1) (right breast)
THE SKINNY: The Darwin Awards began life as a collection of blackly comic accidental-death stories passed between friends, then posted on a popular Internet site and subsequently turned into books, calendars, and all other manner of morbid collectibles. The awards, as such, go to individuals who "improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it." Here, now, is the movie. It stars highbrow talents Joseph Fiennes, as an OCD-afflicted big-city forensic detective, and Winona Ryder, as a traveling insurance investigator. Other noteworthy names play out various slapstick fatalities. Among them are David Arquette, Julianna Margulies, Chris Penn, and Nora Dunn. Juliette Lewis provides naked right-side nipple.
LONELY HEARTS (2006)
NUDES: Alice Krige (Picture: 1) (breasts), Shannon Murphy (Picture: 1) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: The fact-based film noir Lonely Hearts recounts the often-told tale of a male-female crime duo-dubbed the "Lonely Hearts Killers"-who robbed and murdered desperate spinsters throughout the 1940s. This version of the story boasts a powerhouse cast that includes John Travolta and James Gandolfini as a detective team that hunts down Salma Hayek and Jared Leto, as the diabolical duo. Among the trail of bodies strewn about Lonely Hearts are the luscious forms of Alice Krige and Shannon Murphy, both of whom are quite lively in their nude scenes. Lonely Hearts will make your boney hard.
NIGHT JUNKIES (2007)
NUDES: Katia Winter (Picture: 1) (breasts, butt), Lauren Adams (Picture: 1) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: If Giles Alderson doesn't guzzle human plasma once a night, he'll expire. But don't you dare call him a vampire. He's all right with sunlight, lives a fairly normal life, and prefers that you call his kind Night Junkies, thank you very much. It's a disease like any other addiction, you see, and it leaves him feeling like enough of an outsider without all the name calling. After bumping uglies with stripper Katia Winter, poor outsider Giles goes and nibbles her neck, bringing her inside his bloody little club. Lonesome no more! Then he feels bad about it, and he wants to help Katia deal with needing jugular juice for meals, so he sets out to make things right by promising to get her out from under her no-good boss, Jonathan Coyne. Jon, in turn, sics psycho blood-licker Ren?agger on her. As if that weren't bad enough, skanks start turning up dead all over seedy London. Which of these bloody junkies is to blame?
NOVEL ROMANCE (2006)
STUDIO: Monarch Home Video
NUDE: Wendy Rae Fowler (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Traci Lords plays a hotshot editor looking for a hot shot of baby juice in Novel Romance. Traci helms the literary magazine Urbanity, but her sex life is nothing to write home about-and what she wants to write home about more than anything is a bun in the oven. When she meets struggling scribbler Paul Johansson, who has more talent than he does luck or discipline, she sees a solution to her seminal conundrum: In exchange for publication, he'll give her 10ccs of sweet nut nectar. It's too good a deal for Paul to resist, but Traci finds herself unprepared for single parenthood. Will she be able to snag the donor and get him to do her for free? Keep an eye out for the fine Sherilyn Fenn of Twin Peaks fame.
WHOLE NEW THING (2005)
STUDIO: Wolfe Home Video
NUDE: Rebecca Jenkins (breasts)
THE SKINNY: In the Canadian indie comedy Whole New Thing, Aaron Webber portrays Emerson, an offbeat, slightly androgynous teen who dares to try out a local high school after a lifetime of being educated at home by hippie parents. His classmates turn out to be not as welcoming as he might have hoped. In fact, Emerson's lone ally is English instructor Don (Daniel MacIvor), and, soon enough, the kid has a gay crush on his teacher. Meanwhile, at home, Emerson's mother (Rebecca Jenkins) indulges in some free lovin' of her own, and we get to see a load of topless Wavy Gravies. Whole New Thing will give you a whole new schwing!
NUDE: Roselyn Sanchez (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Ripplingly sexy hard-body Roselyn Sanchez shines in her breakthrough feature, Yellow, playing Amaryllis, an ambitious young Puerto Rican dancer with an eye-and those two long, gorgeous legs-on making it big in New York City. Alas, as is often the case with foot-tapping hotties who long to hoof on Broadway, Amaryllis first must pay her dues as a stripper, and, lucky us, we get to watch. From their, Yellow effectively spins its tale (and Roselyn's tail) of ballet-slippers-to-peeler-poles-to-stage-lights, with its ferociously alluring female keeping us fixated on her every movie. Yellow, like Roselyn, is red hot.