By Helmut Brooks

Lorraine Bracco has something in her panties. And it's not a pocket rocket.

It's a gun.

Despite the notion that mobsters never permit their women to get involved in the family business, there is clearly no Pussy Protection Program when it comes to casting our favorite mob movies. Bracco's desperate attempt to pack heat next to her fire in Goodfellas (1990) (Picture: 1) is just one glimpse of how Hollywood's hottest women tend to infiltrate La Cosa Nostra on the silver screen. Fortunately movie makers take mob movies seriously, so in most cases when you load your VCR, you'll not only be reaching your load quota for the month, you'll be enjoying a classic film!

The evidence is hard to cover up. Who can forget Apollonia (Simonetta Stefanelli) (Picture: 1) when she revealed her baby bullets to Michael Corleone for the first time in The Godfather (1972)? Apollonia may have never made it to the States, but the sexy virgin sure put us in a state of arousal.

Another Al Pacino classic, Scarface (1983), has no shortage of skin either, as both Sue Bowser (Picture: 1) and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (Picture: 1) introduce us to their little friends and an aloof Michelle Pfeiffer (Picture: 1) traipses around in one fuck-me dress after another. Try as they might, the tough-guy gangsters can't keep these women down, yet the ladies have no problem keeping us up.

If you have a day or two to kill, check out Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time in America (1984). Yeah it's long, but with Olga Karlatos (Picture: 1), Elizabeth McGovern (Picture: 1), and Ann Neville (Picture: 1) all flashing their stuff, this four-hour flick feels ... a little less than three hours.

Or take a much shorter trip to Atlantic City (1981) and Susan Sarandon (Picture: 1) will deal you a perfect pair in a soapy shower scene. It's been over twenty years since Sarandon filmed Atlantic City and her bust still hasn't gone bust.

Want more smoking guns? Well, let's just say that that's not a revolver poking out of Dustin Hoffman's pocket in Billy Bathgate (1991) but probably a reaction to Nicole Kidman (Picture: 1) getting fully nude--twice. And two banana benders from Kidman in one movie make for a very g'day, mates!

Speaking of Kidman, her real-life marriage problems are nothing compared to the mess Michelle Pfeiffer gets herself into in Married to the Mob (1988). Pfeiffer may think she's getting lucky when her mobster husband is murdered, but we're the truly lucky ones when blonde hottie Nancy Travis (Picture: 1) bares both boobage and buttage for her boneheaded boyfriend. Fortunately even Travis's horrid '80s hairdo can't ruin the view below her neck.

Perhaps streetwise gangsters can best find true love in the red-light district. In True Romance (1993), Christian Slater runs off to marry Patricia Arquette (Picture: 1), a hooker who's a bargain at any price. The two are out to trick the mob out of a pile of cash, but no one has to trick Arquette out of her sexy whore wardrobe ... she gladly takes it off all on her own.

Speaking of hookers, let's not forget Millicent Sheridan (Picture: 1), who provides the next best thing to tax relief for a corrupt senator in Casino (1995). And while Sharon Stone (Picture: 1) manages to keep her assets (mostly) covered up, her award-winning performance features dozens of slutty dresses and edible undies throughout--it was enough to make Oscar very, very happy.

Need a little good cop, bad cop action? The cult movie Bad Lieutenant (1992) is aptly named, as Harvey Keitel pulls off an unforgettable performance as a lieutenant who is in fact very, very bad. But thanks to Victoria Bastel (Picture: 1) and Frankie Thorn (Picture: 1), the skin scale on this flick registers very, very good. The circumstances may not be a turn-on, but the built-for-porn Thorn reveals everything God gave her when her character (a nun) gets raped by a couple of pagan hoodlums. And if that's not enough to infuriate a god-fearing Christian, you oughta see Bastel take it from behind--from a chick!

Another New York City-inspired mob flick (aren't they all?) proves beyond a doubt that Penelope Ann Miller (Picture: 1) certainly has a way about her. She plays a stripper in Carlito's Way (1993) and is trying to help a former drug dealer (Al Pacino) straighten out his life. But more importantly the blonde cutie straightens out our salamis with those adorable milky-white breasts--once as she performs onstage and then again in a mirror scene you'll want to reflect on again and again.

If you want to go old school, and I mean really old school, check out Martin Scorsese's epic Gangs of New York (2002). This movie dramatizes the Irish mob in lower Manhattan during the 1800s. Amid the poverty and despair of the "Five Points" in lower Manhattan rose the violence, alcoholism, and corruption we've all grown to know and love. Yes, those guys were as tough, if not tougher, than modern mobsters, and yes, the women had tits back then! Cameron Diaz's (Picture: 1) perky rack qualifies as hot in any era, even if she does look like she's been somersaulting down the cobblestone streets.

But with all this talk about bad-guy mobsters will we ever find out if there really is honor among thieves? That's a tough question, but one thing's for sure--Kathleen Turner (Picture: 1) does a more than honorable job of getting down and dirty in Prizzi's Honor (1985). The classy Turner turns us on as she practically pokes Jack Nicholson's eyes out with a pair of starter buttons that should be registered with the Department of Defense.

If you're looking for a mob flick where the women truly take center stage, check out Bound (1996). Curious about the plot? Well, let's just say it involves a steamy lesbian affair between Gina Gershon (Picture: 1) and Jennifer Tilly. A smokin' hot lesbo scene features all the knee-buckling assets these hotties have to offer. Gershon will have you gushing and you'll get silly with Tilly in this carpet-munching romp. Care about the plot now? We didn't think so!

Finally, you'll be doing your shaft a favor with a viewing of the original and most famous blaxploitation movie of all time, Shaft (1971). But allow us to warn you about Margaret Warncke (Picture: 1): If you don't want to see her brown suckies in a shower scene, then don't watch this movie. Hey Margaret, put 'em on the glass!

As you can see, for horn dogs in search of some of the sweetest eye candy a movie rental can provide, crime certainly does pay. Maybe in the real world mob chicks really do stay home, stir the sauce, and change the plastic slip covers on the couch every few months. But on the screen, they're ready to kneel down, bend over, and take it like a true baldracca. So take out your heavy artillery, make sure you're fully loaded, and call the phone company ... you're going to need to dedicate a separate jack for each and every one of these classic mob skin flicks.

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