Cold Mountain (2003)

In Anthony Minghella’s epic romance Cold Mountain (2003), wounded Confederate soldier Inman (Jude Law) struggles to escape from the Civil War and return intact to his beloved Ada Monroe (Nicole Kidman) so he can feel her bare breasts and bum. But en route he faces temptation from a widow (Natalie Portman); the shenanigans of a wayward reverend (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and prostitute (Jena Malone); and unwanted advances by horny hillbillies Mae (Katherine Durio), Dolly (Jen Apgar) and Shyla (Taryn Manning) who reveal their peeks and back valleys during a drunken orgy. Lila (Melora Walters) also presents her Cold Mountains as she hikes her skirt up over her naked duff and waggles it invitingly to Law. Meanwhile, Ada spends her days waiting for Inman while trying to save her family’s estate with the help of plucky farmhand Ruby (“I despise a floggin’ rooster”) Thewes played by a ruddy-faced Renée Zellweger in an Oscar-winning turn. When the ladies aren’t dancing with traveling musicians Stobrod (Brendan Gleeson) and Georgia (Jack White), they’re battling the local Home Guard thugs Teague (Ray Winstone) and Bosie (Charlie Hunnam). At night, Ada and Ruby lay in bed reading “Wuthering Heights” and Inman’s love letters which say, “You are all that keeps me from sliding into some dark place.” Mr. Skin would welcome a slide into a dark place, so long as it’s attached to the strawberry-patched Ms. Kidman. Hey Jude, do what you can to come back and dive Inman, before Ruby teaches your gal to be more skindependent!