By J.R. Taylor
The writers are striking, but the major studios are striking back with plenty of productions. Here's a mix of what's been filmed, is filming, or is about to be filmed for 2008 and 2009.
Comic-book adaptations are still hot in Hollywood-and so are the starlets in spandex. The epic Watchmen graphic novel was un-filmable for decades, but modern special effects have changed all that. Now director Zack Snyder-himself hot off of 300 (Picture: 1)-is getting us watching for women with a cast that includes Carla Gugino (Picture: 1) as the sultry Silk Spectre and Malin Akerman (Picture: 1) as daughter Silk Spectre II. She may be even more silky and spectre-y!
In more comic-book news, we'll be punishing our penis once The Punisher: War Zone hits theaters with Julie Benz (Picture: 1). Our shorts will also be saluting when Sienna Miller (Picture: 1) fights for freedom in the big-screen G.I. Joe.
Frank Miller-the writer/artist behind 300's original comic-will be drawing a rise out of us with his big-screen version of the classic old comic book The Spirit. There'll be tons of tight dresses sported by a splendid cast that includes Eva Mendes (Picture: 1), Scarlett Johansson (Picture: 1), Jaime King (Picture: 1), and Paz Vega (Picture: 1). (Scarlett then moves on to Mary Queen of Scots-and we can only hope that one's going to be a bodice ripper.)
Adding to our fantasies is director James Cameron's return to fantasy filmmaking with Avatar, set in a future full of battling babes. We might even be enjoying some thrusting and propulsions in an amazing new 3-D format-although our eyeballs would already be hopping and popping over Sigourney Weaver (Picture: 1), Zoe Saldana, and Michelle Rodriguez (Picture: 1).
Our nether regions will be full-blooded as we marvel at the MILFs who populate the cast of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. We'll be spellbound by the return of Helena Bonham Carter (Picture: 1), Julie Walters (Picture: 1), and even grandMILF Maggie Smith (Picture: 1). Natalia Tena (Picture: 1) will also conjure up a tentpole as the young-but-legal witch Nymphadora Tonks, while Helen McCrory joins the series as Narcissa Malfoy.
And no Hollywood forecast would be complete without a big-screen video-game adaptation-with Dragonball most likely to get our balls draggin' once we get a load of Jamie Chung (Picture: 1) as the love interest to globe-grabbing hero Justin Chatwin.
There's been a definite sighting of Amanda Peet (Picture: 1) as an FBI agent in X Files 2, which means we'll be watching the screens for the much-identified objects of both her and lead actress Gillian Anderson (Picture: 1).
Brendan Fraser gets a new wife in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, as Maria Bello (Picture: 1) wraps herself up in Rachel Weisz's (Picture: 1) old role. Our shorts will be stretching to horrific heights with the addition of Michelle Yeoh as a wicked wizard.
In more non-fantasy roles, fantastic superbabe Michelle Williams (Picture: 1) is heading off to Shutter Island with Leonardo DiCaprio and director Martin Scorsese. Her Brokeback Mountain co-star Anne Hathaway (Picture: 1) will be showing up in the summer of 2008 as Agent 99 in the big-screen Get Smart. She'll also star with Kate Hudson (Picture: 1) as two best friends with matching wedding dates in Bride Wars-which could outgross Star Wars if they'd change the comedy's title to Bride Catfight.
Fans of Angelina Jolie (Picture: 1) were happy to see her animated ass-and other parts-in Beowulf. They'll be less happy when she shows up in cartoon form in Kung Fu Panda. Fortunately we'll get the flesh-and-blood beauty in director Clint Eastwood's The Changeling, which will likely get us changing our shorts thanks to its stunning star and supporting actress Amy Smart (Picture: 1).
Mr. Skin fave Seth Rogen only shares voices with Jolie in Kung Fu Panda, but he's getting lucky with Zack and Miri Make a Porno, where he's set to star as an aspiring amateur adult star with platonic pal Elizabeth Banks (Picture: 1). Meanwhile, ordinary guy Jason Segel loses famous girlfriend Kristen Bell (Picture: 1) in Forgetting Sarah Marshall-but finds some comfort at a vacation resort where Mila Kunis (Picture: 1) offers plenty of recreation.
Amazingly enough, Lindsay Lohan (Picture: 1) still looks set to be part of a major film-although Dare To Love Me isn't about sexually transmitted diseases. Instead, she's a love interest in the story of an Argentinean tango legend. In further popwreck news: Paris Hilton (Picture: 1) will show up in the sci-fi comedy Repo! The Genetic Opera! alongside pop survivor Joan Jett.
The better-behaved Hilary Duff is growing up with Greta, in which her character has an interracial love affair. Ellen Burstyn (Picture: 1) and Melissa Leo (Picture: 1) also show up for the drama-with Burstyn then getting all sweaty in the adaptation of Tennessee Williams's The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond with young'un Bryce Dallas Howard (Picture: 1) and big'un Ann-Margret (Picture: 1).
The Love Guru continues Mike Myers's tradition of surrounding himself with comedic cuties. This tale of an expert on emotions will get us emoting over the likes of Jessica Alba (Picture: 1) and Meagan Good (Picture: ). Older women get laid over laughs too-as seen in the upcoming comedy Step Brothers, where grown men compete after Will Ferrell's mom, Mary Steenburgen (Picture: 1), marries John C. Reilly's father.
Meanwhile, we anxiously await the end of that writers' strike so we can get more info on any number of major projects on the horizon-including confirmation that awesome Aussie Teresa Palmer has lassoed the role of Wonder Woman in director George Miller's big-screen Justice League film. There's also a Russ Meyer biopic to keep abreast of, along with a Baywatch (Picture: 1) feature film.
And somebody somewhere is casting about for two ladies to pair up as Archie Andrews's legendary love interests in Betty & Veronica. We'll keep our eyes skinned!