By James Hollis Smith
Have the dog days of August got you down? Well, crank up the AC and pop in a DVD, because there's no shortage of flicks featuring top-shelf T&A being unleashed this month. We've got a double dose of Rosario Dawson, the double-Ds of Carla Gugino, the one-eyed allure of Christina Lindberg, several succulent Italian imports, and, yes, those two madcap scamps: Adolf Hitler and Ashton Kutcher! Enough talk, on with the show!
Out on August 2
Alexander (2004, Warner Brothers)
He's young, he's beautiful, he's the leader of Macedonia, and he's ... Irish? Hey, it doesn't matter anyway, since all sane eyes will be focused on sexbombs Rosario Dawson and Angelina Jolie in director Oliver Stone's big-budget biopic Alexander. Angelic Angelina Jolie is on hand as Olympias, the young king's mother, and she's the curviest thing to wear a toga since John Belushi. As gorgeous as Ms. Jolie is, however, Rosario steals the skinematic spotlight (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3). The riveting and ravishing Rosario stars as Roxane, the dark-hued vixen who captures Alexander's heart--not to mention his black-Irish dick! The two get married and she gives birth to Alexander's son. Of course, the young ruler's dead before his kid is even born, but at least he was around for the conception! After the titillating one-two punch of Sin City and Alexander, Dawson fans who have been coasting for seven years on the frisky fumes of her He Got Game skin turn can finally revel in a heaping helping of Rosario's honey-skinned/dark-nipped perfection. Sure, Alexander conquered ninety percent of the known world by the age of twenty-five, but this ultimate trophy wife remains his most impressive conquest.
Downfall (2004, Columbia/Tristar)
I sure am in the mood for great nudity; let me see if any new Adolf Hitler movies are coming out! What's so funny? Okay, fine, it's true that Downfall is a bleak, serious, and compelling tale of Hitler's final days in the bunker as seen by his private secretary, Traudl Junge. But you'll find yourself wishing you were trapped in a bunker with the sexy Maria Semenova (Picture: 1 - 2)! Mamerrific Maria is the most alluring of several hookers who go topless in a brothel scene. One look at this bodacious babe's bazookas, and you'll see the reason you can't spell Semenova without semen!
Guess Who (2005, Columbia Pictures)
This remake of the 1967 film of racial and sexual politics flips the ethnic script and updates the story as only Hollywood can: "Let's see, we'll need a Spencer Tracy type. Ooh--is Bernie Mac available? Okay, now we need a Sidney Poitier type ... Call Ashton Kutcher!" No, you haven't been punk'd. The basic premise is that badass Bernie goes ballistic when his hot daughter Zoe Saldana brings home Mr. White instead of Mr. Right. Zoe has already shined as the sexy seafaring femme in Pirates of the Caribbean and the pep-squad princess in Drumline, and even though this flick keeps it PG-13 clean, there's still something sexy about seeing this five-alarm fox with a case of full-blown jungle fever.
Betty (1992, Kino International)
Betty is an early film by the frisky Frenchman Claude Chabrol, who later directed the screen steamer Unfaithful. In this sexually charged drama, the titular heroine, played by Marie Trintignant (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3), is caught cheating on her husband, which causes her to get divorced and give up the right to see her two daughters. She finds solace by crawling into the nearest liquor bottle, until a nice woman takes her in. So how does Betty repay this nice woman? By sleeping with her lover, of course! Yes, it's love, French style. Marie shows all three Bs as much as she can, as is her way in almost every role. Marie is my kind of light sleeper, as every single time she lies down--naked, of course--something makes her to get out of bed. Thank god for things that go bump in the night.
Out on August 16
Sin City (2005, Vista)
Take a kick-ass graphic novel, add lots of young, sexy, scantily clad women, sprinkle a dash of gore and a heaping helping of Mickey Rourke, and you've got one serious balls-to-the-wall cream-dream of a thrill-ride. How would you like to be the hot and horny casting director who drew this film assignment? Sin City features a diva for every taste bud. Like your babes sultry and sexy with one hand holding your shaft and the other holding a switchblade? Behold Rosario Dawson (Picture: 1), who is fast eclipsing her Alexander co-star Angelina Jolie as your best chance at titillating T&A! Do you prefer adorable girl-next-door Latinas? Feast your eyes on the juicy Jessica Alba (Picture: 1). Okay, fine, so her stripper makes Natalie Portman's stripper in Closer look like Lady Godiva. But I dare you not to stiffen at the sight of Jess's luscious lips, perfect skin, and taut tummy, as she gyrates her chaps-clad hips in time to the music. But no matter what kind of woman you call your type, there's one undeniable super-babe who causes a sexplosion that breaks the movie wide open, and that's curvy Carla Gugino (Picture: 1 - 2). As the thong-wearing parole officer with a heart of gold--covered by two large, succulent tits--Carla reminded us all of the sort of dimensions a real woman can pack. Now, I'm not one for cannibalism, and I'm sorry that that bespectacled hobbit ate her hand off, but if Carla's dishing up a three-course meal of her tantalizing ta-tas, I'm sure as hell going back for seconds!
The Mambo Kings (1992, Warner Brothers)
Armand Assante and Antonio Banderas are two Cuban brothers who come to America to seek their fortunes in the music industry. Armand is the older, slicker, bullshit-artist ladies' man and Antonio is the troubled yet talented songwriter. Considering that at the time of filming Armand didn't speak Spanish and Antonio didn't speak English, the two do a very credible job of playing the off-the-boat brothers. Dutch treat Maruschka Detmers (Picture: 1) has the good fortune of being sexed up by a pre-Melanie Griffith Antonio, and her long and lean body doesn't disappoint. Vivacious Valerie McIntosh also shows her delicious apples, and, lucky for us, the Cuban brothers' horns aren't the only things that get blown!
Out on August 23
Le Petit Lili (2003, First Run Pictures)
Leave it to the French to create a modern adaptation of The Seagull, that laugh riot by the clown prince of playwriting himself, Anton Chekov. God's gift to men Ludivine Sagnier (Picture: 1 - 2) stars as Lili, a poor country girl who's the muse and love interest of her charming Nancyboy filmmaker boyfriend. Ludivine reminds us why she's a Mr. Skin Hall-of-Famer right off the bat. Just two minutes into the film Ms. Sagnier is stark-raving naked, revealing her full-frontal fabulousness in broad daylight. Then our girl gets horizontal with her boyfriend for a spirited game of hide the pomme frite. There was no need to worry about luscious Ludivine getting a case of the wardrobe willies. She picks up right where she left off in Swimming Pool--yes, that means naked!
Layer Cake (2004, Columbia/Tristar)
This multi-tiered thriller tells the tale of a big-shot cocaine dealer named XXXX (Daniel Craig) who plans on taking an early retirement. This doesn't sit well with his Mafia connections, who want him to continue making them rich. The X man's got very little time to pull off one final massive drug deal, find a rich associate's missing daughter, and bed Sienna Miller--and not necessarily in that order! Speaking of Ms. Miller, she pulls out all the prurient stops trying to coax some baby batter out of our dealer. We get some delicious eyefuls of Sienna in sexy black lingerie--complete with a "don't blink or you'll miss it" breast flash. It's not much, but it's probably still more of Sienna's body than Jude Law will be seeing for a very long time.
