Four-time world champion, and five-time European champion ice dancers, French-born Gabriella Papadakis (yes, she’s of Greek descent if the name is throwing you off) and her partner Guillaume Cizeron are known for their innovative and artistic style on the ice. They made their Olympic debut in 2018 at the PyeongChang Winter games, and what a debut it was. The two looked spectacular, he dressed all in black, she in a gold and green sparkly outfit accented with wispy feathers and fringe. They spun, glided, did their footwork to the beat of the music, he lifted her, she jumped with him, they twizzled, swizzled, toe-looped, and axel-jumped (and other ice skating terms that Mr. Skin doesn’t really know, but looked up just for you). And, then, there they were, moments away from finishing their routine, performing one last move. Guillaume dips Gabrielle low, low, lower, her back arched, her sweeping ponytail absorbing ice crystals—and her perfect, pink, pointy nipple standing up to greet the cheering crowd, while Ed Sheeran’s vocals can be heard lingering in the background “I’m in love with the shape of you,” like that nipple’s own personal soundtrack. And then she stands up, hugs her partner, and raises her hand to acknowledge the crowd, her nipple being caressed by the feathers of her costume and all those audience members, and all those TV cameras, and the whole word watching, when she glances down and immediately yanks her costume into position—but not before the sports announcer points out to anyone who hadn’t yet noticed that there’s “a bit of a malfunction with the outfits.” That pretty nipple joined Gabrielle and Guillaume on the podium, as all three collected their silver medal.
