By James Hollis Smith
September's here, and you know what that means: the new school semester, changing leaves, and blowjob-movie documentaries. This month's DVDs feature breeding aliens, class warfare, and the deepest throat of all. So behold the latest digital dose of Drew, a heaping helping of Henstridge, and forty kilos of Pacino. Ahooha!
Out on September 6
Swept Away (The Lina Wertm?r Collection) (1974, KOCH Vision)
The original, non-MadonnaSwept Away (2002) arrives in a re-release this month on a newly mastered DVD as part of The Lina Wertm?r Collection. A rich bitch named Raffaella (Mariangela Melato) (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) and her bourgeois friends rent a yacht to sail to the Mediterranean. Gennarino--played by the brilliant Giancarlo Giannini--is just a poor communist working on the ship who has to grit his teeth and do whatever the rich folks say. But when Gennarino and Raffaella get stranded on an island, social status gives way to Darwinism. The commie castaway sees how the other half lives when he makes Raffaella work for her supper. When he finally gets too horny to hold back, he ends up wrestling Raffaella down during a sandstorm of a sex session on the beach. It's not long before the reversal of power is complete. Magnificent Ms. Melato reveals her juicy gelatos during their sex scene, but even before then, she's a succulent sight to see in her black bikini and sun-licked skin.
Out on September 13
The Seduction of Misty Mundae (2004, E.I. Independent Cinema)
Yes, this film focuses on your favorite horror hottie, Misty Mundae, but it's positively packed with prurient poon! What's your pleasure? Mature blonde? Goth brunette? Ravishing redhead? Fear not, they're all here. See Seduction's A-list stable-mates Julian Wells, Darian Caine, Allanah Rhodes, and Chelsea Mundae--yes, Misty's sister! Young Misty is staying with her aunt Inga (Julian Wells) for a week in the country. It's not long before the boy next door (literally) breaks Misty's maidenhead and sends her on the road to raunch. Aunt Inga turns Misty on to the pleasures of Sapphic sex, and from that point on, it's the usual excellent gash-gnashing and muff-diving we've come to expect from our beloved New Jersey skin maestros at Seduction Cinema.
Fever Pitch: Cursed Reversed Edition (2005, Fox)
After earning his hack license on the Queen Latifah vehicle Taxi (2004), former SNL snickerer Jimmy Fallon teamed up with every man's favorite child-star-turned-busty-sexbomb, Drew Barrymore, in the latest offering by Bobby and Peter Farrelly. Jimmy plays a good-natured teacher who lives his entire life by the Boston Red Sox game schedule. This drives his new high-maintenance girlfriend Drew crazy. It'll drive all men crazy that Jimmy's more consumed with the Red Sox than getting to third base with Drew. (At least Drew knows that Jimmy will be free every September!) Aside from hottie Drew, there are heavy-hitting hotties Ione Skye and KaDee Strickland. When the three girls work out, it's KaDee who stands out, thanks to her sports bra's overflowing cleavage. These vixens will keep your seventh inning stretched until the Hollywood ending comes charging in from the bullpen in the ninth.
Carlito's Way (Ultimate Edition) (1993, Universal)
As proof that you can't have enough of a good thing, here's the 100-percent pure, uncut Carlito's Way (Ultimate Edition). Everyone's favorite Italian (and scar-faced Cuban), Al Pacino, stars as Puerto Rican drug lord Carlito Brigante, who tries--unsuccessfully--to go straight after his lawyer, Sean Penn, gets him released from prison on a technicality. Al gives his usual understated performance--Ahooha!--but that's part of the fun. This flick's got all the action you could ever need: subway chases, face-to-face shootouts, prison breaks, and Penn's brilliant portrayal, which lies somewhere between a cocaine-addled used-car salesman and Art Garfunkel. Carlito's love interest is the equal parts adorable/sexy Penelope Ann Miller (Picture: 1 - 2). She plays an ex-girlfriend with whom Carlito is trying to rekindle a romance. Luckily for us she's an exotic dancer, and we get to see the goods in a topless club when Carlito tracks her down. Once Penelope drops her top, it's definitely Miller time! We're granted another gape at her perky pair when Carlito shows up at her apartment; and thanks to the mirror she's standing next to, we get a total of four beautiful breasts to ogle. You don't blame Al for breaking down the door, do you?
Out on September 20
The Longest Yard (2005, MTV Paramount)
This Adam Sandler remake of the classic Burt Reynolds comedy is quite different from the original, as you might expect. It's all played for laughs this time around, with Sandler as quarterback and Burt returning as Coach Scarborough. (Although it would have been a hoot to cast Norm Macdonald doing his Burt impression instead!) But at least our favorite Waterboy-turned-QB is surrounded by top-shelf athletic talent like Michael Irvin, Bill Romanowski, and ... Chris Rock? Don't worry; Chris cracks jokes, not heads. Before the boys even toss the pigskin, though, there's plenty of skin of a much sexier nature. Curvy Katie Lohmann is bikini clad while swimming into frame during the film's underwater opening. That juicy moment is quickly piggybacked by Friends femme Courteney Cox flashing the finest cleavage heaving of her career.
Species Trilogy (1995, 1998, 2004, Sony Pictures)
It's clear that the strength of the Species franchise is the fact that it is equal parts Alien and Emmanuelle.
Species stars niptastic Natasha Henstridge as a frisky piece of half-human/half-alien tail in search of someone with whom to breed. Natasha is used to trying to stop people from mating with her, so this was probably quite a stretch for her, acting-wise. A team of scientists and professional badasses team up and follow in hot pursuit to catch Natasha before she can mate. This flick has several notable nude scenes. Indoors stripping off her clothes, outdoors running nude, nude in a car, nude in a hot tub--take your pick (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)! Don't miss sexy nude Natasha turn into an armor-plated Chupacabra right before your eyes during her "love" scene. Hell, I still say it's not a bad way to go!Species II features Natasha again (Picture: 1 - 2), but this time she's a kinder/gentler creature after being genetically re-tooled. When an astronaut comes back from Mars with some DNA that tweaks his genetics to the tune of alien frequencies, the only thing he's got on his mind is nailing Natasha. Yeah, pal, get in line! Natasha does end up doing the nasty--and I do mean nasty--during a barnstorming boff session. Enjoy the topless moment right before they go at it, because the special-effects guys are gonna make those beautiful breasts do some ugly things during this scene! Sarah Wynter (Picture: 1 - 2) also dropped her top while riding a guy in bed, just to even out the human/alien sex ratio.
In Species III, Natasha arrives in the beginning of the film to pass the T&A torch by giving birth via a pod to the super sexy Sunny Mabrey (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3). Sunny is hot as hell in a "young Carol Lynley" way, and she winds up showing even more skin than Natasha did, which is saying something. Sunny comes out of the pod naked and stays that way. One guy gets too friendly and she guts him like a fish. Another guy turns her on and she takes him for a wild ride. Sunny and her mouthwatering Alabama slammers prove themselves more than up to the task. Pick up this extra-terrestrial turn-on saga. It's creepy, fun, packed with flesh, and priced to move!
Inside Deep Throat (2005, Universal)
What happens when powerful producer Brian Grazer--who has had huge Hollywood hits both with business partner Ron Howard and alone--turns his machinery and glossy touch to Inside Deep Throat? Well, you get a documentary that takes a breezy, fun, and interview-packed overview of the cultural landmark that was Deep Throat (1972), and you also get a documentary--and access to people--that few producers can pull off. The film interviews not only Deep Throat's still-living principles, like director Gerard Damiano and star Harry Reems, but the family of titular leading lady Linda Lovelace, as well as the film's distributors, crew, producers, and even celebrities as varied as Dennis Hopper and Annie Sprinkle ... on second thought, maybe they're not so varied. Anyway, we get to see lots of excerpts from the film, featuring Ms. Lovelace, not to mention the outlandishly sexy Carol Connors, who--before she gave birth to Thora Birch--had quite a delicious body of her own! And, yes, to answer the question rolling around in your head, you do get to see Linda swallow the whole damn thing! This isn't a bird's eye view or a cockeyed view--it's a cock's eye view!