By Ophelia Botts

Ever since I've been allowed to dress myself, I have been labeled a Goth Girl, Death Doll, Horror Honey, and all other conceivable alliterative combinations of one word meaning "vampiric" and another meaning that I have a vagina.

Both counts are true.

In appearance, I am prone to ink-black hair, milk-white skin, and crimson lips, all done up in various dark dressings. Attitude-wise, well ... I act like I look. And while I maintain that I am a hard-charging individual and not merely some gloom-sheep Hot Topic trollop, I make certain to honor my rich cinematic and cultural heritage.

From a long and lustrous line of living-dead lasses and flesh-eating femmes I come, and through a hallowed hall of horrific hotties let us now go.

Even the most casual observer of macabre cuties has been well versed in female vampires, especially those of the lesbian persuasion (wait--is there any other kind?). So for this eye- and wound-opening article, I'd like to sexplore some of fright flickdom's more unsung undead eyefuls: zombies, mummies, witches, she-devils, and ghosts.

Now just look around as you jack your lanterns--tits the season!

Mindy Clarke (Picture:1 - 2 - 3)
The Return of the Living Dead Part III (1993)
She's now best known as the wicked MILF on the Fox TV hit The O.C., but among the devotees of deathly beauty, she will forever reign as Goth Queen Supreme due to her iconic alteration in Return of the Living Dead Part III. After falling prey to southern-fried zombies, Mindy transforms herself from a peppy, hefty-chested preppy into a pierced, fanged, ferocious hellcat. She punctures her flawless flesh with all manner of sharp implements, shows off her gloriously gory nipples, and strikes a poised-to-pounce pose that has remained indelible in the annals of necrophilic knockouts.

Laura Gemser (Picture:1 - 2)
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (1979)
A name like Erotic Nights of the Living Dead promises a lot, and, fortunately, as long as up-for-anything skinternational superstar Laura Gemser is on hand--under the able direction of Euro-perv auteur Joe D'Amato--you can rest assured that the movie will deliver. Specifically what the movie delivers is a boatload of unwitting cruise-ship passengers onto an island swarming with human-hungry zombies. Amidst the plasma-splattering chow-down action, luscious Laura engages in surfside Sapphism with delectable dirty-blonde Dirce Funari (who appears nude repeatedly) (Picture: 1), and Lucia Ramirez entices the diabolical diners when she spreads open her fluffy muff and flashes a wink of pink.

Mariangela Giordano (Picture:1 - 2 - 3)
Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1980)
Tackling the taboo of corpse canoodling, the gore-gasmic Italian favorite Burial Ground centers on a group of quizzical types who get more answers than they were expecting when they accept an invite to a mad scientist's villa. The dirty doc claims he can reanimate the dead, and it turns out he's not just bragging. Unfortunately he has no clue what to do with the skulking cadavers when they take to making meals out of his houseguests. Among the troubled travelers is earthy mama Mariangela Giordano, whose energetic intercourse with a hairy dude gets interrupted by her barely adolescent son. Mariangela leaps out of bed full-frontally naked and to calm her upset offspring offers her bare breast for him to suckle like he used to in the good old days. Junior happily obliges but--oops--he done been zombified, so he chomps into his mom's milk-wagon and bites off her bloody nipple.

Naomie Harris (Picture:1)
28 Days Later (2002)
Writer-director Danny Boyle, of Trainspotting renown, chugs into George Romero territory with 28 Days Later, wherein a zany virus lays waste to London, turning previously polite Brits into teeth-gnashing cannibal freakazoids. A gaggle of survivors slugs it out with the sinister snackers. Among the undead is dark-skinned delicacy Naomie Harris, who flails and wails in her underwear, making viewers glad that there's no more room in hell--but wishing there was just a little less room in her bra.

Romi Koch (Picture:1 - 2)
Dead Doll (2004)
Though not technically a terminal case--or is she?--Romi Koch is both ominous and alluring as the hauntingly human object of lust in the terrifically titled Dead Doll. Pushing real-life Real Doll fun to creepy extremes, Dead Doll showcases Romi in the raw at all times as she portrays a pieced-together fuck-toy that gets passed from one pervert to the next, each of whom kinkily conquers her. The flick climaxes with Romi crucified, Christ-like, but what follows is decidedly not in keeping with the Good Lord's teaching of pacifism and forgiveness. But for we followers of a darker master, it's a full-throttle, full-frontal blast.

Valerie Leon (Picture:1)
Blood from the Mummy's Tomb (1971)
Like all true connoisseurs of hair-raising cinema, I am a deeply devoted sucker for the films of England's Hammer Studios. Blood from the Mummy's Tomb is Hammer's hot-hot-hot take on an ancient curse made eternally arousing flesh in the form of dark-haired, light-eyed vixen Valerie Leon. Portraying both an Egyptian goddess and the daughter of the archaeologist who disturbed her otherworldly slumber, buxom Valerie falls prey to spiritual depression. Be forewarned that Val's fit at the twenty-eight-minute mark reveals the rack and rump of a body double, but don't miss her nip-slip at one hour and sixteen minutes. The torso pyramid we get a peek at is pure Valerie.

Shelley Long (Picture:1)
Hello Again! (1987)
Okay. I hear you asking how on earth (or in any other realm) a razor-toothed, platform-booted nightmare minx such as myself could see fit to include a chipper blonde sitcom star on this list. First off, Hello Again! is rife with voodoo and Shelley actually portrays a woman summoned back from the Great Beyond by a hoodooo priestess. Secondly, go to the one-hour-and-one-minute mark of the movie and check out Shelley's flash of ass as her hospital gown flaps open from behind. For Shell to show her glutes--cute as it may be--takes guts. And to that I raise a goblet of absinthe and hemoglobin to her and I declare, "Cheers!"

Sasha Peralto (Picture:1) and Mia Zottoli (Picture: 1 - 2)
Mummy's Kiss (2002)
From the frightening wilds of New Jersey comes Mummy's Kiss, a yarn involving an Egyptian sorceress prowling the Garden State three thousand years after passing away (the first time), in pursuit of the modern incarnation of her lesbian lover. Mia Zottoli is the mammary-laden magician Ramsey Amun, a.k.a. Hor-Shep-Sut, and Sasha Peralto is her gal-pal, Ana Harwa, a.k.a. Princess Hat-Em-Akhet. Made by the bawdy softcore mavens at Seduction Cinema, Mummy's Kiss maintains the studio's signature multi-mound chick-on-chick meat-piles and features a supporting cast of sumptuous thespians, including April Flowers, Regina Russell, Katie Lohmann, Rhoda Jordan, Elina Madison, and Aysia Lee.

Patty Peturbed (Picture:1)
Lust in the Mummy's Tomb (2001)
Look again at the cast list of Mummy's Kiss. Notice anything missing for a Seduction Cinema movie? Of course you do--those two magical words Misty and Mundae (Picture: 1). Happily Misty made her own excursion into tit-on-tit, clit-on-clit Egyptology in the form of the 2001 mini-opus Lust in the Mummy's Tomb. Misty kicks off the proceedings by sudsing up her ultra-savory little body in the shower. She then literally stumbles across a mummy who proves to be male when he pops a long, gauze-wrapped erection, which Misty quickly mouths and mounts. Immediately thereafter flame-maned, rosy-cheeked, full-bodied bombshell Patty Peturbed appears out of thin air wearing see-through Egyptian garb. Misty and Patty trip the light leztastic until, following a thunderous orgasm, the redheaded spectre vamooses back to wherever she came from. You'll just come wherever you are. Period.

Patty Mullen
Frankenhooker (1990)
The madcap midnight-movie perennial Frankenhooker follows the misadventures of a deranged surgeon (James Lorinz) as he stitches together various body parts from murdered prostitutes in order to build a fresh physique for the decapitated head of his mangled girlfriend. Penthouse centerfold Patty Mullen portrays both the disembodied noggin and the final, haphazardly assembled hottie of the title. Frankenhooker is a riotous onslaught of gory guffaws and ladies-of-the-evening lethally laid bare. Among the crack-puffing pros who get exposed are Vicki Darnell, Jennifer Delora, Gittan Goding, Charlotte J. Helmkamp, Heather Hunter, Susan Napoli, and Kimberly Taylor.

Linnea Quigley (Picture:1 - 2 - 3)
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Skinema's all-time coolest ghoul and most smokin' succubus, Linnea Quigley, set the ultimate standard for rock 'n' roll ravishment and graveyard glory as Trash in the screamingly awesome flick The Return of the Living Dead. Trash is a member of a punk gang that makes the mistake of partying in a cemetery the very night that a toxic gas awakens the area's six-feet-under occupants and sends them into a frenzy for "Brrrrraaaains! Morrrrre brrrrains!" Nineteen minutes in, Linnea launches herself into a wild dance atop someone's not-so-final resting ground, peeling down to bare poontang and gyrating maniacally just before the zombies arise all ravenous-like. She spends the entirety of her screen time from then on in the raw, revealing her scrumptious nubs and bum repeatedly until, ultimately, she gets converted into a medulla-craving monster herself--but even then she stays naked. "Do you wanna parrrrr-tay?" inquires the film's soundtrack. With Linnea Quigley, any time!

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