Count Rackula's Sex and Blood DVD Roundup


Greetings from Castle Rackula, hidden deep in the mountainous peaks of Mam-sylvania. I am Count Rackula, your ghoulish guide to the bewitching world of nudity in horror movies.

For many years now, I have slept through the day, unable to bear the blinding, burning rays of the sun, and stayed up all night counting the boobs in horror movies and occasionally turning women into sex slaves with my vampire magic.

While I am unable to share with mortals the secret mind control techniques of my race, I am more than happy to share with you my vast store of knowledge about monster movies, fright flicks, and splatter cinema.

Some would call this a poor substitute, but those people probably haven’t seen Catherine Deneuve lez out with a topless Susan Sarandon in The Hunger.

So put away the holy water and get out the hand lotion, because I have many wonderful and terrible things to show you.

The past lunar cycle, as my bare-wolf friends would say, has given us a supernaturally skinsational selection of cinema to salivate over. Here are three of my favorites.

The Virgin Witch (1971)

Also known as Lesbian Twins, The Virgin Witch appeals to witches with its informative portrayals of black magic ceremonies and appeals to virgins with its copious displays of full-frontal nudity. The film itself tells a story I know all too well. A couple of models come out to the Scottish highlands to take some nude photos and get mixed up with a coven of cunnilingual conjurers. Watch for boobs, butts, and bush from sisters Vicki and Ann Michelle. I’d like to drive a stake into those two myself!

Lips of Blood (1972)

Back before the Revolution, when Counts where still welcome in France, I used to go visit my old friend the Marquis de Sade in prison frequently and I got a real "taste" for French women. So I was naturally excited when I learned the master of the lesbian vampire movie Jean Rollin’s masterpiece Lips of Blood was getting a new release on DVD. The movie features the frighteningly fantastic funbags, fannies, and furburgers of fully frontal femmes FrancaiseMartine Grimaud and Annie Belle. Like they said in the old country, “Lips of Blood will have you packing wood.”


The Wizard of Gore (2007)

All real horror fans will remember one of the true pioneers of splatter movies, Herschell Gordon Lewis, the man behind such classics as Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs!, and Color Me Blood Red. Now someone has gone and made a remake of one of my favorite films of his, The Wizard of Gore, and put eccentric character actor Crispin Glover in the title role. An excellent choice, since Basil Rathbone is currently unavailable (I’ll see about digging him up). The nudity is provided by tattooed internet porn sensations the Suicide Girls, who play all of the Wizard’s hapless victims. These girls remind me of some young ladies I picked up on the Sunset Strip and put under my sway when I was living in Los Angeles a few years back. But these girls seem to have less blood in them, somehow.

The sun is rising and I must return to my crypt, but I shall return with more sex and blood as soon as I can. Until then, fangs for the mammaries!