By Milka Magnesia
Boobs, boobs, boobs.
Some like them titanic. Some like them teeny. Most of us like them regardless of their size. But it's a given that we all just like them, period.
Ha ha--I wrote "period".
And that topic is apropos, as nothing shifts the shape of a lady's suck sacks like her monthly visit from the menstrual fairy.
Still, no period could be powerful enough to explain the mammary metamorphosis undergone by a startling number of today's most popular famous love pillows.
Is something going on here? Sure, plastic surgery accounts for tons of these ta-ta transformations, but even the most gifted nipper-and-tucker couldn't explain how some of these bo-bos yo-yo in size so suddenly . . . and with such astonishing consistency.
Here now, a roll call of racks gone wild--as in wildly unpredictable as to how big they'll be the next time you lay eyes on them.
The modern mama of mutating mangos ignited rampant rumors that she'd had breast implants after she appeared at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards (Picture: ) in 1998 with funbags that had been fairly petite and were all of the sudden the size of overinflated footballs.
Brit's spokesfolks denied implant charges, although they added that they weren't personally against someone Britney's age--which was seventeen at the time--going in for surgical super-sizing.
They then seemed to go one better (or worse, depending on your point of view) as, shortly thereafter, Britney's bongos seemed shrunken back to their original protuberances. And it's been up and down since then, unlike Brit's standing in the White Trash Community, which has been skyrocketing for years now.
When she emerged on the pop scene in 1998 with the chart-topper "Genie in a Bottle," this former Mousketeer (just like her roving-racked rival Britney) was as flat in the chest as her pipes were outstanding.
In due time, which is to say when royalty checks started pouring in from her multi-platinum debut album, Christina turned up with some comically too-huge-for-her-tiny-frame silicone bags where her sweetly petite titlets once were.
She undertook a brave course of catching up, by temporarily packing on such pounds as to be outright plump. It was only for a brief spell in 2003, but a pal of mine who's a chubby chaser still refers to it as The Golden Age of Christina's Platinum Plus-Sizeness.
Since then, the blonde pixie has reduced her weight and seems to have grown into her man-made gazongas. For a peek at her plastic pontoons, check out her nip slips in her 2002 MTV Diary (Picture: ).
We were first charmed by Kirsten Dunst when she had no casabas at all; she was one of the most endearing child actresses of the 1990s. What a sweet treat it was, then, to watch her grow teats--and big, heavy, mouth-watering ones, to boot!
Kiki's tee-tees are at their most potent in Crazy/Beautiful (2001) (Picture: 1 - 2), where we see the glorious bottoms of her globes and even a slip of nip when she's in bed with her beau.
Next, her knockers had us slinging our own webs with her pokie-riffic appearance in Spider-Man (2002) (Picture: ) while wearing a sopping-wet, curve-clinging red dress, followed by a near see-through wifebeater tank top in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) (Picture: 1). But then began the decline of Ms. Dunst's dirigibles.
She continued to look grand in her lacto-glands in the Cameron Crowe romance Elizabethtown (2005) (Picture: 1), but when we finally got some topless paparazzi shots of Kirsten's cucamongas, they looked withered and weak. She'd lost horrible amounts of weight and, with it, the heavenly heft of her hooters. Here's hoping she'll bounce back in the two places where it counts most.
Another kid star turned headline-making leading lady, Lindsay Lohan busted into the big time two deliriously delectable double-D-cups first, courtesy of the 2004 conscientious teen comedy Mean Girls (Picture: ).
Redheaded ?-uddered Lindsay launched herself to the top of the A-list amidst much speculation as to whether or not her whoppers were of the homegrown variety. We believe they were.
We also believe that her subsequent starvation in the wake of family fireworks (mostly involving alcohol-hopped-up papa Michael Lohan) that drained the life from her supremely luscious mega-sized meat balloons stands as the premiere tragedy, thus far, of the twenty-first century.
Eat, Lindsay, eat. We, the drooling devotees of your dairy bombs--and the American bra industry itself--are depending on you!
Enchanting Alison Lohman is so naturally youthful in appearance that she convincingly pulled off playing a fourteen-year-old opposite Nicolas Cage in Matchstick Men (2003) when she was, in real life, a decade older than that. Part of that magic came via Alison's complete absence of titties at the time.
Where, then, had the happy handfuls that she showed off in a bra three years earlier in the teasingly titled Sex and a Girl (2001) gone? Perhaps she went on a diet, but she must have doubled up on desserts after her stint with Cage, as she sports a fine couple of B-cups in the Atom Egoyan sex shocker Where the Truth Lies (Picture: 1 - 2), lezzin' it up with Kristin Adams in Mr. Skin's Breast Picture of 2005.
English eyeful Emily Mortimer's self-modifying mogombos don't swing in as dramatic a fashion as the foxes listed above, but they still vary from a big B-cup to a big C-cup seemingly from film to film.
The best part is that Emily frequently frees he sweater puppies on screen, so we all have ample opportunity to inspect them in full. In Emily's nude debut, Coming Home (1998) (Picture: ), she's what might be labeled a "medium-large". By the time of her awe-inspiring, all-points-unveiled nude scene in Lovely & Amazing (2001) (Picture: 1 - 2), her dugs have dropped a notch.
Just two years later in Young Adam (2003), Emily's apples are ripe for a bigger brassiere.
No matter what model her mams are coming in during a particular nude scene, we always think Emily's torso fruits are the height of sweet.