By Phil Buckridge

Two words serve as a beacon of light to guide you through these dark times. Those words are "National Lampoon's" and they're practically a certification of quality nudity.

Since its initial incarnation as the world's premiere humor magazine, National Lampoon has evolved into a Hollywood powerhouse following the release of its 1978 masterwork, Animal House (Picture: 1) , and, more recently, the Lampoon has figured as the go-to brand name for raw, raunchy comedies on DVD.

Since 2002 National Lampoon has issued fifteen adult-oriented romps that contain nudity. Still, sometimes you just want to know things like: How much nudity is there? How many scenes have nudity? Which actress logs the most naked time? Will it help me expand my dirty vocabulary? And who else is part of the supporting cast? Well, that's what is here for, to give you the proper information so you can master the (Lam)poon for yourself. Here are the titles, listed in order of decreasing nudity. Let the education begin!

National Lampoon's Spring Break (2007)

Skinopsis: Cameras follow college kids to spring-break destinations.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 280 seconds over 7 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Nikki Schieler Ziering (Picture: - ), who shows off her sizable silicone sacks for an amazing 232 seconds.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "Have I mentioned how very important it is to stay wet at all times during spring break? Sun and sexercise can rob you of precious bodily fluids." --Nikki Schieler Ziering

Best Clameo Appearance: Katie Doyle from MTV's Road Rules

National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2: Unrated and Unanchored (2006)

Skinopsis: College students prepare to perform a play during their semester at sea.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 160 seconds over 8 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Porn-star Jasmin St. Claire's (Picture: ) milk wagons log a healthy 52 seconds of camera time.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "I like boobs." -- Kato Kaelin

Best Clameo Appearance: Office Space's "Jump to Conclusions Mat" inventor Richard Riehle as Captain Bunkley

National Lampoon's Pledge This!: Unrated Edition (2006)

Skinopsis: A group of girls pledges the hottest sorority in the country.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 151 seconds over 7 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Shamron Moore's (Picture: ) gigantic jugs put in 38 seconds of hard work.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "That's why they call them freshmen, because their coochies are fresh for all us men." -- Geoffrey Arend

Best Clameo Appearance: Lin Shaye (Magda from There's Something About Mary) as the dorm supervisor

National Lampoon's TV: The Movie: Unrated Edition (2006)

Skinopsis: Sketch comedy spoofing popular television shows.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 95 seconds over 6 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Tabitha Taylor's (Picture: ) ta-tas say hello for 22 seconds.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "Perspiration is lubrication." -- Judd Nelson

Best Clameo Appearance: Rocker Pete Yorn as Bobby Peacock

National Lampoon's Barely Legal (2003)

Skinopsis: Three high-school virgins decide to write and direct a porno.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 82 seconds over 5 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Sarah-Jane Potts (Picture: ) shows off her teacups through a sheer shirt for 50 seconds (two seconds worth of Potts's body double not included).

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "Work hard, play hard, stay hard." -- Ramalot Productions

Best Clameo Appearance: Horatio Sanz as porn star/producer Vic Ramalot

National Lampoon's Lost Reality: Unrated (2004)

Skinopsis: Sketch comedy of supposedly new reality-TV shows.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 65 Seconds over 3 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Monique Alexander's (Picture: ) knockers make a 33-second appearance . . . more than 50% of the movie's total nudity!

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "We're going to show America what we in the business already know: that the only difference between hookers and actresses is that hookers get paid more." -- uncredited actor

Best Clameo Appearance: Porn star Monique Alexander puts in an amazingly convincing performance as "the whore".

National Lampoon's Lost Reality 2: More of the Worst
(2005) Skinopsis: More Sketch comedy of supposedly new reality-TV shows.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 63 seconds over 5 different scenes

Mam-V-P: An uncredited actress, who provides the only shot of visible bush in any of the 15 movies.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "Beer goggles: a whole new way of looking at love." -- uncredited voiceover guy

Best Clameo Appearance: The visible landing strip beginning at 8:37

National Lampoon's Dorm Daze (2003)

Skinopsis: Mistaken identities create confusion as dormitory students get ready for winter break.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 55 seconds over 2 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Katie Lohmann's (Picture: ) fake melons provide 50 seconds of juicy viewing.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "Chicks won't have sex with a guy unless that guy has bagged at least four other chicks. Girls are shallow and want a guy with experience." -- Patrick Renna

Best Clameo Appearance: Patrick Renna (Hamilton Porter from The Sandlot) as Styles McPhee

National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003)

Skinopsis: Two broke orphans marry aging, wealthy widows in hopes of striking it rich.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 33 Seconds over 3 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Nikki Schieler Ziering's (Picture: ) hooters supply 100% of the nudity in this flick.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "Age is just a number for people foolish enough to let it come between them." -- Chris Owen

Best Clameo Appearance: There aren't many cameos, but Will Friedle (Eric from Boy Meets World) as Cal was nice to see.

National Lampoon's Pucked (2006)

Skinopsis: A slacker pyramids credit cards together to finance an all-women's hockey league.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 33 seconds over 5 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Fearsome Fox locker room. Scenes of players changing account for 29 seconds of nudity, including a full-frontal shot. Unfortunately that fox pelt has been shaved, which makes clam confirmation impossible.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "That's exactly why it's gonna work, because men love to watch women beat the hell out of each other." -- Jon Bon Jovi

Best Clameo Appearance: Cary Elwes as ADA Norman

National Lampoon's Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj: Unrated (2006)

Skinopsis: A student goes to England to attend Oxford.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 29 seconds over 4 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Nothing can get the heart racing like unintentional nudity, and that's exactly what we have as Lauren Cohan's (Picture: 1) nipple tape pops off and gives us three brief glimpses of globe.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "So you've decided to accept defeat before you've even tried? What if Ravi Shankar had decided to give up the sitar just because he knew he'd be able to get a lot more choach playing the guitar?" -- Kal Penn

Best Clameo Appearance: An uncredited Romanian porn star brings the ruckus as Holly Davidson's (Picture: ) stunt boobs.

National Lampoon's Going the Distance (2004)

Skinopsis: A man and two friends road trip across Canada so he can propose to his girlfriend.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 25 seconds over 3 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Mayko Nguyen's (Picture: ) personal floatation devices help keep her from drowning while bathing in a lake.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "It's like a porn . . . four positions, three minutes each, and then go for the face." -- Shawn Roberts

Best Clameo Appearance: Jason Priestley as music producer Lenny Swackhammer

National Lampoon's Van Wilder (2002)

Skinopsis: A reporter is assigned to write an article about a big man on campus.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 20 seconds over 2 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Not only do Ivana Bozilovic's (Picture: ) bazookas explode on the scene for 19 of the 20 total seconds of nudity, but the folks at National Lampoon had the brilliant idea to add her bountiful bosoms to the DVD title menu. Now you can enjoy nudity before the movie even starts!

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "You should always check the quality of the turf before you step out on the field." -- Ryan Reynolds

Best Clameo Appearance: Sophia Bush makes her big-screen debut as the horny freshman, Sally.

National Lampoon's Adam Eve (2005)

Skinopsis: A college student becomes sexually frustrated while dating a virgin.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: 16 seconds over 3 different scenes

Mam-V-P: Though she doesn't shed her clothes, there's enough bra and underwear time logged by gorgeous Emmanuelle Chriqui to merit the award.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "You know, they say when your balls smell worse than your butt hole, you should shower." -- Brian Klugman

Best Clameo Appearance: James DeBello plays a coffee-shop clerk-he's fast becoming a National Lampoon veteran.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2 (2003)

Skinopsis: A family becomes shipwrecked during a tropical vacation.

Total Duration of on-screen Nudity: Zero seconds (you never see nipple, but there's enough side boob to give you that special feeling)

Mam-V-P: Sung Hi Lee knows that being stranded on a desolate island is no reason to forget proper hygiene habits, so she wisely takes a topless dip in a lagoon.

Lampoon Pearl of Wisdom: "When you get to be my age, a good dump is one of the great pleasures in life." -- Ed Asner

Best Clameo Appearance: Eric Idle chips in some slapstick humor as an airplane passenger.

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