3 B’s in 3-D


Hello my friends, and welcome once again to Castle Rackula high in the peaks of Mamsylvania. This week I’ll be reviewing the 3-D slasher remake My Bloody Valentine.

But before I get to the movie, I have to comment on two of the previews that preceded it. The first was for Friday the 13th, out in theaters February 13th, and the second was for Last House on the Left.

I have to say, after the Halloween debacle, I was not enthusiastic about a Friday the 13th remake. And the disregard for the storyline the filmmakers showed in making Jason Voorhees the killer didn’t help. But everything I’ve seen so far looks pretty good, so I’ll reserve judgment.

My inclinations toward Last House on the Left are less charitable. But that’s another column for another day.

I have always been a fan of the original 1981 movie despite the fact that it contains not one shred of nudity. Reportedly, though, the film’s high level of violence earned it an X rating before movie-makers cut nine minutes of gore to please the censors.

I’m happy to say that the remake both increases the violence and adds a healthy dose of full-frontal nudity to boot(y).

From start to finish, the 3D effects are pretty spectacular. We get to see a dozen hacked-apart corpses, a handful of pointed guns, a spinning bullet, and one literally eye-popping chisel blow flying right off the screen.

But the 3D really comes in handy when blonde babe Betsy Rue has her big fully nude sex scene with a trucker.

Betsy stays naked for at least four minutes and we get to see her boobs, butt, and bald beaver as she gets nailed by the trucker, runs around a motel parking lot, then gets nailed in a different way by the homicidal miner who does the killing in this movie.

During this sequence, the new and improved Ray-Ban-style 3D glasses served a double purpose. Not only to they give some extra depth to Ms. Rue, they also protect your eyes from spew!

Strictly because of it’s skin-novative method of presenting female flesh, My Bloody Valentine 3-D is a must-see. But fans of the genre will also appreciate the generous amounts of disemboweling and dismembering.

And look out for appearances by the great Tom Atkins of Halloween III: Season of the Witch and Maniac Cop fame and Kevin Tighe, who played the owner of The Double Deuce in Road House.

Well, I’m happy to be able to make such a strong recommendation this week and to have lived (so to speak) to see this new 3-D technology. Goodbye until next week, and as always fangs for the mammaries.