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“Watermelon is the perfect fruit to enjoy on August 3rd,” proclaims the National Day Calendar. “It is also National Watermelon Day”—Sleuth and the missus will be having some at a local cookout tonight.
“With a name like watermelon,” adds Days of the Year, “one would expect it to be juicy, scrumptious and amazing. The watermelon meets, and in every case, exceeds that very exclamation.” Shouldn’t that be ‘X•seeds,’ since the fleshy fruit has often been linked with looking like a moist vagina—even in official ads for the holiday?
In the words of Wikipedia: “The fruit has a smooth hard rind, usually green with dark green stripes, and a juicy, sweet interior flesh, usually deep red to pink.” And even a rectum on the reverse!
Originally found growing wild in Southern Africa, watermelon was first cultivated “for its ability to hold plentiful water in a desert landscape”—being 91% water, the melon helps travelers stay hydrated … with slurping generally considered more beneficial than sitting.
A recent research study also found that “a dose of watermelon a day could help keep high blood pressure at bay,” discovering that “the fruit is rich in compounds that widen blood vessels” and contains lycopene—the pigment that gives the melon its color and is credited with a host of health benefits, from warding off cancer to boosting fertility.”
No wonder watermelon was just picked as No. 1 on Reddit’s list of “The Top 5 Aphrodisiac Foods”: “It may be a cool fruit but multiple servings of watermelon every day can add fireworks to your sex life,” the site states. “It is often called ‘Natural Viagra.’ Watermelons contain an amino acid called citrulline which aids blood vessel dilation and thus heightens sexual pleasure. It can also be used for treating erectile dysfunction or ED.”
(ED. Note: Especially if combined with Czech mates Ksenija and Paloma below.)
Which explains why horticulturalist Charles Frederick Andrus, who developed by far the most popular strain of watermelon that we eat today, the disease-resistant Charleston Gray in that South Carolina city’s lab in 1954, lived to the ripe old age of 101.
“Its oblong shape and hard rind made it easy to stack and ship,” is how Wikipedia explains the Charleston Gray’s market monopoly … while another researcher reports that such “watermelons can grow enormous.” Like the pair below.
“Picking a ripe watermelon is pretty straightforward,” observes HealthLine.com. “If it’s already cut open and looks red and juicy, it’s ready to eat.”
And it’s “naturally rich in vitamins A, B and C” … looks like a natural C-plus to us, above.
“Watermelons were introduced in Europe in the 13th century,” offers one historian, “and finally came to America in 1629.” More than a quarter century before that, the ‘father of Roman still-life painting,” Michelangelo Caravaggio secretly inserted an ode to its sexual nature in his 1603 masterpiece Still Life withFruit on a Stone: “The message of the painting is undeniably sexual,” writes Gastronomica, the Journal of Critical Food Studies. “Caravaggio arranged the display to suggest sexual tumescence and receptiveness to penetration. Once one notices the stem of the central melon aimed toward a burst fig and the two meaty bottle gourds lying languidly over a freshly sliced watermelon, is any other reading possible?
Enlarge the classic composition above to see the “erotic still life” sight at right!
Easy to see why the original African variety’s Latin name is Citrullus Vulgaris.
Yet it’s with lip service that the watermelon is most closely associated today. As Beyoncé sang at the climax of her 2013 hit with Jay Z, Drunk in Love: “Never tired, never tired/I been sipping, that’s the only thing that’s keeping me on fire, me on fire/Didn’t mean to spill the liquor all on my attire/I’ve been drinking watermelon.”
The innuendo wasn’t lost on her audience … and the term ‘watermelon’ for oral sexsemen-ly became a meme overnight:
Even feminist blogger Marisa Mendez acknowledged: “A take I’ve seen floating around on Twitter dives a little deeper, comparing drinking watermelon (which has ‘seeds’) to … well … you know, drinking something else that has seeds. Yeah, that.”
The street-wise and tuned-in Urban Dictionary defined precisely what ‘that’ is—complete with how to use it in conversation and hashtags:
Unwittingly, Days of the Year.com confirmed the connection when it wrote: “Whether it is the more than 90% water, or the sweet flavor that explodes in your mouth, this fruit lives up to being the crowned ‘favorite fruit.’”
And Music Life made no bones about it: “As to the most overused, misunderstood lyric in the song, ‘I’ve been drinking watermelon,’ we’ll explain … Watermelon has seeds, a slang term for nut (cum, jizz, male ejaculate). So Mrs. Carter {Beyoncé’s married name} is talking about swallowing after her hubby has climaxed. #BOOM).”
Coincidentally, a startup company called WTRMLN WATER “came out the same day that Drunk in Love launched, causing its founders to send product samples to Beyoncé’s team.” And now she’s a “meaningful investor” in the totally organic drink {shouldn’t that be orgasmic?}, above right.
And apparently, she’s ‘been sipping’ watermelon juice in real life too …
… turning the aquatic into the erotic while hubby ‘Joe Camel’ gets smoked poolside!
Tellingly, female staffers at the music mogul’s Roc Nation entertainment company wrote to popular gossip site MediaTakeOut in December 2014 “claiming that Beyoncé came into their office to see Jay Z and may have given him oral sex.” Specifically, they related that the singer “came at 4 p.m. to check on him. She went into his office and then he called Sandra, his secretary, to say he will be unavailable for a while. On Beyoncé’s way out we saw her lipstick smudged. Jay stepped out about 30 minutes later only for us to see his zipper down. He was sooo embarrassed. Beyoncé is that THAT CHICK … shows up to her man’s JOB … gives him some QUICK NECK … and leaves him REFRESHED!!!” Just like drinking watermelon …
Clearly, Bey is ‘the Queen,” but a superstar in Vancouver has been ‘at it’ a lot longer! Blonde beauty Mary Jean Dunsdon has been plying her wares on Canada’s bawdiest beach since 1993 … and is universally beloved in the province as 'Watermelon.'
“The woman known to nude sunbathers, pot smokers and licorice fiends as Watermelon is retiring from the business of selling the fruit that made her a household name in Vancouver,” reported Straight.com last August 18th. “Mary Jean Dundson will sell her last watermelon at Wreck Beach on September 8. ‘I plan to run for mayor of Vancouver,’ Watermelon said in a news release.”
“It’s been a glorious 22 years,” Watermelon wistfully reflected. “I loved that beach from the moment I first laid bum cheeks on it.”
“I didn’t get naked right away, to be honest,” she recalls. “I wasn’t naked my first day. And then I went topless for a while”—spitting seeds to satisfy sun worshippers’ needs …
… while parlaying her parts into a popular YouTube cooking show called Baking a Fool of Myself, which features a tit•ular song written about her:
“Nudity is kind of like losing your virginity,” Watermelon found. “Once you’ve done it, it’s over and who cares? You realize it isn’t a big deal—it’s just hang-ups in your mind.” And hang-ups in other minds, too, as photos of the sunburned blonde at work have caused up-tight basket cases to almost always censor her juicy bits. Sleuth is able to peel back the covering below.
Arrested…and acquitted…four times this Millennium—resulting in the double-meaning poster calling for her release (below left)—Watermelon bemoans today’s prudishness that has resulted in “70 per cent of sunbathers now being clothed. Nudists are a bit of an endangered species on their own beach,” she observes. “If you’re not getting naked, you’re ruining it.” Clearly the future mayor’s platform is bold … and bald.
Yet her YouTube fame can’t compete with an anonymous bodybuilder who posted a video in 2012 crushing multiple watermelons between her pumped-up thighs…
… and garnering over 3.6 million views to date!
“What a trip!” the buff brunette bubbles at the climax of the vid. “You know like that movie American Pie, and he sticks his dick in a warm apple pie? {Taking a juicy bite} I guess it’s kinda comparable.”
But who was the incomparable melon masher whose bun-clenching grip made the fleshy fruit erupt?
Sleuth has been able to rind out that she’s the first female Australian arm wrestling champion, Kortney Olsen, whose 27 inch thighs used to make mincemeat of guys…
… in what she calls “the underground muscle fetish world (middle left below). I made $400 to wrestle guys, scissor them with my legs—you name it (don’t worry, my book is coming soon).”
Blatantly bisexual (above right)—“loads of sex” in college, Kortney smiles, “sometimes girls, mostly guys”—she’s now settled down with David May (top bottom left), the bald British owner of an Australian rugby team who bought her breast implants in 2014.
Before her boob job, the muscular melon-masher mused: “The once topless photos never bothered me before—most men have bigger tits than me, so I don’t have a problem with showing my pecs to the world" {note the exact same shoes on the air and in the chair):
“However the few full nude shots that are floating around, I do have a different opinion about,” she sneers. What’s yours?
“Think about it,” Olsen observes about her being able to clasp and crush hard round objects. “Women push small, tiny humans out of their vajayjay, and get on with life the next day. Dude gets a splinter or the flu, it’s game over. Our threshold for pain is off the charts.” Yet she’s able to put her finger on it …
“Kortney Olson is also known simply as ‘KO’,” begins her bio at the Female Fitness Models and Competitors site. “And for good reason. She’s a Scorpio (as you may have noticed from the scorpion tattoo below her navel) and besides lifting weights she does kempo, jujitsu and golf. Imagine her going into MMA fighting … She says she wants to be famous and we think she is well on her way.”
And along the way, hangs with Holly Holm (below left)—the only fighter to beat Ronda Rousey—and gets pointers from Magic Johnson. Hoops, there she is!
In summary, states Days of the Year.com: “That hard rind is easy to hold, the soft inner red fruit easy to eat by young and old alike, with a juicy burst of flavor, it is loved by most that do eat it. Even the seeds do not detract from the wondrous fruit, merely giving us a reason to open our mouths for yet another bit of the succulent {make that suck•ulent} melon.” Or, as the popular T shirt asks:
It’s easy to swallow the Top Ten Melon Proponents … and Possessors … pictured below.
Who wouldn’t want to plant his seed between their size—or their thighs—on this special day … or any other?!
ADRIANA LIMA
'Armed' to the teeth ... for quick relief
DEMI LOVATO
LINDSAY LOHAN
Like many of our maidens, she’s showing her melons in water
KATRINA BOWDEN
Showing her true colors in a watermelon bikini
KIM KARDASHIAN
Ripe you are!!
KENDALL JENNER
Kim’s half sister is half the exhibitionister … yet this single black bikini does double duty
SIAN ADEY-JONES
Miss Wales and runner-up Miss Universe in 1976, she became a popular Page 3 model and got to cut up with Roger Moore in the 1985 Bond film A View to a Kill
SIENNA MILLER
Fellow Brit and Jude Law’s juicy ex, she licked her fingers after slurping a slice … and this 2003-some!
TINA TURNER
Ike•id you not, she’s ‘Simply the Breast’
KYLA COLE
The most successful Slovakian model since Melania Knauss (Trump), she had to turn down Penthouse Pet of the Year honors because she didn’t have a U.S. work visa. “I like taking naked pictures,” Kyla confessed, “because why not show off nice things to somebody! If I can share a pretty thing, why not?”
(Non-plagiarized) words to END on …
