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Hugh’s ‘On’ First? Abbott•solutely.  

The Playboy honcho quit smoking his beloved pipe after a 1985 stroke … but kept ‘laying pipe’ and perfecting his ‘stroke’ for as long as he could keep it ‘up.’  

In an article entitled, ‘The Raël World,’ author Rak Razam asked the randy Raëlian leader {whose profile we paused to honor the ‘Playboy’ passing} whether he and Hugh Hefner “compared their stats” when they met at the Playboy Mansion in April 2005. “Hef claims to have slept with over 1,000,” Raël responded, “but I am just a poor young guy, so maybe only 400 for me.”  

Asked 8 years later for a ‘dally tally,’ Hefner hedged: “When I was married, I never cheated.

Except with his secretary {see prior post} from 1955 through 1956—his wife Millie didn’t divorce him till 1959—and, as this cuddly home candid confirms, busty starlet Joan Bradshaw in June 1957.

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The former Miss Texas USA became a finalist in the 1953 Miss Universe beauty pageant, and delivered this classic comment: “How I ever got into the finals I’ll never know” {though Hef seems focused on a couple of reasons below}.

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“I wore a dress that in no way kept pace with the latest developments,” Joan joked, “—at least, not my latest developments.” She’d grown from a 36” bust to a 38D!  

Which caught the attention of hot young actor Dennis Hopper—eyes on the prize, below right—fresh off the success of 1955’s Rebel Without a Cause. But he was soon without her … devastated when she rebelled into a romance with even hotter at the time, Elvis Presley (below left).

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Perhaps influenced by hedonist Hefner’s example, Elvis explained in August 1956: “Now, this is the way it is. I got about 25 girls I date regular.” But when he “arrived at Joan’s apartment unannounced in June 1957 to find another guy had gotten there before him,” The King had—in the words of IMDb—“a fit of madness.”  

According to the Elvis History Blog: “Elvis was so angry that he drove his white Cadillac across the front yard of her apartment house, destroying part of the landlady’s flowerbed. An irritated Joan had to pay a gardener to repair the damage the next day. Needless to say, the two never dated again.”  

Leaving the movie starlet more time for her publisher paramour (below left) … who no doubt appreciated that “Joan’s pectoral development had easily won her the title of ‘The Bust of MGM’” (below right).

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As for peeved Presley, the brash Bradshaw was unrepentant: “Why not?” she told the Los Angeles Mirror News. “I wasn’t going steady with Elvis and he hadn’t asked me for a date that particular evening so I wasn’t expecting him. What was I supposed to do? Just wait around twiddling my thumbs until he chose to show up?”  

She found a better use for her idle digits while coming as close to a hand job as the press would allow in 1957 while Hef drank it all in.”

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And clearly, the girl had quite a mouth on her too. Guess Mrs. Hefner hadn’t ‘shown up’ yet either …  

“I’m having a wonderful time dating the wrong ones,” Joan said of her single status … and Hugh was right beneath her on the sofa (below left) on the night of June 26, 1957 {just two weeks after she'd broken it off with Elvis}!

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So lyin’ Hef didn’t exactly come clean (above right) about his fidelity.  

“I have always been faithful during my marriages,” he swore in March 2013. “But I made up for it when I wasn’t married. How could I possibly know how many women I’ve had,” he shrugged. “Over a thousand, I’m sure (below left).

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One he never ‘had,’ despite decades of trying, was Baywatch blonde Pamela Anderson (above right).  

“When I asked Hugh which cover girls he’s slept with, even I was shocked by some of the names,” revealed his last wife {and now widow} Crystal Harris (at top of the post in sailor hat). “They were names you’d never suspect—the ones who seemed so innocent.  

“But he told me he didn’t sleep with Pamela Anderson, although he really wanted to. He said it was ‘bad timing,’ as he was married and she was in a relationship” {with Tommy Lee and then Kid Rock}.  

“Goodbye Hef,” were the only words a sobbing, black lingerie-clad Anderson could utter in a bizarre Instagram video she posted the night of his death:

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 “You gave me life,” Pam posted … while he gave her tongue (below left).null

“You said the magazine was about a girl like me {she graced its cover a record fourteen times!}. That I embody the spirit you fantasized about. I can hear you say—Be brave. There are no rules.” And if any, she broke them by showing up shaven and craven (above right)—taking the cake at his 82nd birthday bash in 2008!  

“You’re looking good, honey,” the birthday boy blushed … and indeed, few could hold a candle to Anderson’s 40-year-old gifts.

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“You know I love you,” they told each other at the time—captured by the cameras filming his reality show:  

“People tell me all the time that I was your favorite,” Pammy proclaimed in the posthumous post. “I was the one, you said.” They often kissed … but never told.

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Though he told her to “live your life. And with men—Enjoy!  

One of the men who reportedly “enjoyed” her … and often got “Hef’s hand-me-downs” ... now occupies the Oval orifice.

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Currently dating Trump backer—and election hacker—Julian Assange of WikiLeaks {she visited him “at least 6 times in the last 5 months at the Ecuadorean Embassy in London where he’s holed up,” the UK Daily Mail reported this past February}, Pam takes a cue from you know who in declaring WikiLeaks to be “true news.”  

And wouldn’t you know: “Anderson says she would love to become a Russian citizen.”  

Yet during the campaign she tweeted that “no woman in the universe will ever support Trump” after a leaked tape showed him boasting how he could “grab women by the pussy.” Well, as Hef put it about his horniness between nuptials: “You have to keep your hand in.”  

The Playboy publisher had his hand in San Bernardino Sunday school teacher Sondra Theodore for five years. He nicknamed her ‘Baby Blue,’ moved her into his bedroom, and couldn’t keep his hands off her even in a bubble bath.

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“I was one of the final contenders for the role of Pinky Tuscadero—the Fonz’s girlfriend {on Happy Days, the role went to Roz Kelly}. Hef saw me and figured that what was good enough for the Fonz was good enough for him!”  

Probably the ‘second greatest love of his life” {besides Barbi Benton}, the July 1977 centerfold could usually be seen lessening tan lines on her 34-24-35 form by the Mansion pool with other gatefold gals—sunning then signing this shot for the Sleuth Collection!

null“I haven’t seen him this happy since I was with him,” Sondra snidely smiled when Hef shockingly walked down the aisle with 1989 Playmate of the Year Kimberley Conrad that July. The blushing bride (below left) blithely brushed off the competition: “There’s nothing to be jealous of. I’m the young one.”

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Asked after the ceremony to disclose their honeymoon location, Conrad coyly cooed: “We’re going upstairs” {above right, both also from Sleuth's private cache}.  

“The self-styled Playboy of the Western World tying the connubial knot?” People asked in amazement in its lengthy cover story (below left). “As recently as February of last year, the former boy vivant, who has touted Brobdingnagian breasts {i.e., giant} and free-floating fornication and proclaimed his own magazine ‘the single most important medium for the sexual revolution,’ was sounding unweddable.”

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But Canadian Kimberley “turned me around 180 degrees”—sounds like the ‘spinner’ found a niche position (above right).

“Somebody ought to yell out, ‘Don’t you remember anything you said over the years?’” declared disillusioned wedding guest … Bill Cosby.  

Conrad bore him two sons—the younger of whom, Cooper, will succeed his dad at the helm of Playboy—but split in 1997 after Hef’s horniness for reigning Playmate of the Year Victoria Silvstedt became one too many.  

Glaring at her love rival (below left), Conrad countered by moving out—and moving in with rich record mogul Quincy Jones {more hands on than Hef, below right}.

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On the eve of his marriage, Hef laughed: “I had a bachelor party for the past 30 years. I don’t need another one now.” But after Kimberley left, eight wasn’t enough … as the 80-ish playboy needed a whole baseball lineup to satisfy his needs!

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Immediately after the club date above, newcomer Holly Madison—the blonde with her hand in Hefner’s lap—went back to the Mansion with the group for her ‘initiation’: “I wasn’t an idiot,” she writes in her 2015 tell-all Down the Rabbit Hole. “Despite their staunch denials, it was still widely accepted that Hef slept with all his girlfriends. The fact that sex would actually be required wasn’t exactly something I had prepared myself for—especially for my first night out. But at that point, I felt like it was my only option.” The “full-time Hooters waitress with credit card debt from her breast enlargement {A-cup to D}, found herself with nowhere to go.”  

“Two huge television screens projecting graphic porn lit up the otherwise dark bedroom,” Holly relates about being “ushered by the girls into Hugh Hefner’s suite” when they returned from the nightclub. “In the middle, a very pale man was tending to his own business (if you’re catching my thinly veiled innuendo). The girlfriends, in various stages of undress, were sitting in a semi-circle at the edge of the bed.”  

“Unsure of what to do next, I leaned into Vicky: ‘Fake the fuck!’ she hissed in my ear and pulled me towards her. ‘I’ll explain later!’” Vicky, we should explain, is the aforementioned marriage wrecker Victoria Silvstedt!  

“‘Heeeef … don’t you want to be with the new girl?’ Vicky screamed over the loud music and pushed him towards me,” Madison maintains. “Much to my surprise, my turn was over just as quickly as it started. It was so brief that I can’t even recall what it felt like beyond having a heavy body on top of mine.”  

“Hef had already moved on to a few of his actual girlfriends before finishing off by himself, as he always did.”  

The next day, “Holly moved into the Mansion and officially become one of Hefner’s girlfriends,” Wikipedia confirms. Five months later, “in February 2002, after all but two of his girlfriends left, Madison became his ‘#1 Girl.’” The other two remaining, Brigitte Marquardt (bottom left at bottom) and Kendra Wilkinson (upper right), took turns servicing his needs … though Holly confides, “Pretending to have girl-on-girl sex beat climbing into the sack with Hef” (below right).

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In other words, by then the Playboy of the Western World was a lousy lei

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“Things improved, Madison writes,” the New York Daily News noted, “after the crew of silicone babes was weaned down to just the three—who were featured on the new reality show The Girls Next Door.”

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“Doing the series brought another unexpected bonus for Madison,” the Daily News continued. “Hefner no longer insisted on dragging them out to clubs to capture the attention of the paparazzi” {so they could stay inpajamas}. PJs rather than BJs ...

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“That meant the end of the nasty bedroom ritual that always followed.” Writes Holly: “Needless to say, for me, sex was never the highlight of the relationship”—expressing her “relief that sex was out of the equation.” Besides, three’s company …

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“I don’t ever want to have a relationship with Holly again,” hissed Kendra after Madison dissed her in print. “And I made a mistake by thinking what we had was real. We just dated the same guy at the same damn time.”  

“Holly, you can tell, had this ulterior motive every minute being at the Mansion, and that motive was—it was clear as day—she wanted Hef’s kids, she wanted a piece of Playboy and she wanted to marry Hef for, obviously, his will.”  

No longer joined at the nip (below left), Madison “insinuates that Kendra is lying in her book Sliding into Home, when she describes being invited to the Mansion and to be Hef’s girlfriend (below right) before she ever had sex with him.”

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Holly says “sex was used as an initiation, and Kendra wouldn’t have been invited to the Mansion or to be Hef’s girlfriend without doing it first. He never asked anyone to become a girlfriend before they joined him in bed.”  

Madison claims Hefner “was so desperate to keep her at the end that he wrote a provision into his will leaving her $3 million if she was still at the Mansion when he died.”  

But that didn’t stop her from leaving {in October 2008}, leaving Hef to sob: “I love Holly very much and I think we’re going to be together the rest of my life, but marriage isn’t part of my puzzle. It’s not a personal thing—I just haven’t had much luck with marriages.”

That is, until blonde Crystal Harris {7 years younger than Holly, 60 younger than Hef} joined the crew ... and moved in on Madison’s man.

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“I’d like to see Hef settle down,” hissed Holly. “I’m just not sure Crystal is the best thing for him. I’ve seen a lot of girls try to date Hef, and some have ulterior motives. I think it’s possible Crystal could break Hef’s heart. She could take half his money. Basically, in     THE END, I think he could do better than Crystal.”

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Whose (back)side are you on?