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"Has Mr. Skin gone gay?" asks Evil Jared, and for a pretty good reason. We've just complimented him on the massive boobies being displayed on The Bloodhound Gang's new album. Of course, the hefty hooters on Hefty Fine are sported by a hairy fat guy. We're just trying to be good sports.
Evil Jared has a good sense of humor, though. It must help in his role as the often-naked bassist of The Bloodhound Gang. The ramshackle hitmakers took five years between Hooray for Boobies and Hefty Fine, but the band is still shamelessly immature as they mark ten years of successful idiocy. Invoking the Discovery Channel in "The Bad Touch" made them video stars--while the video caused plenty of controversy--and "The Ballad of Chasey Lain" remains one of pop's greatest tributes to a porn star.
The Bloodhound Gang can even be taken seriously as masters of moronic metal and catchy dance tunes. Any critics who say that the band is too old to act so childish probably still like Jonathan Richman. Meanwhile, Evil Jared makes it clear that The Bloodhound Gang doesn't give a shit about anything while chatting with Mr. Skin--and yet we're touched by how he cares about naked women.
There were five years betweens the release of Hurray for Boobies and Hefty Fine. Is that because you guys are such artists?
Yeah, we're real artists. We're Van Goghs. We're guys who toured that last album for eighteen months living on a bus with four other assholes, and it's like being married to every one of them. All of their personality quirks are cute at first--"Ha-ha, he snores"--but by the end of the tour, you want to kill them. Well, not kill them. I just wanted them to all be dead and me be the reason for it.
After that tour, we didn't talk to each other for about eight months and didn't get back together in the same room for about three years. Then we spent the next year and a half making it into the studio. I didn't want to see those assholes, but I love that money.
Could the band afford to take that much time off?
I don't know about the other guys, but I did a couple of independent movies in Philadelphia. I don't know if they were any good, but they paid me a thousand bucks a day, which is way more than I ever made in this band. They were my first non-porno roles. Then I did some emceeing for those pagans in Slayer. I toured around the country saying, "Slaaayer!" Then they'd come onstage. Why would Slayer need an emcee to begin with? And why the bass player from some Eurotrash fag band?
Wait a minute--tell us more about the porn roles.
Let me think, there's a few--Alana Evans (Picture: 1 - 2), I got her up the shitpipe one night. One time, I got a blowjob from Houston (Picture: 1 - 2).
This was on film?
Oh, all of it's on film--but just in our archives. The blowjob from Houston was supposed to be for a movie, but it didn't make the cut. I was so excited that I only lasted about thirty seconds. She was pissed. Afterwards she was trying to strike some kind of glamour pose, and she was complaining because I had left so much jizz in her hair. I was, like, "Shut up, bitch, this is the greatest day of my life."
Was all that a fringe benefit of recording "The Ballad of Chasey Lain"? (Picture:1 - 2 - 3)
That didn't work out like we planned. We got to meet her when she came over to the studio to do the song intro, and she was all bloated and sweaty and had forearms hairier than Robin Williams. I was, like, "Aaah! I got a boner for her?" She was very impressed with herself until she heard the song. Then she was, like, "That makes me out to be a whore!" Yeah, you're making money by letting a guy come over and fuck you. This is the song we wrote about it. Then we were going to give her a shitload of money to be in our video--like, $6,000, which is more than she's making anywhere--and she never showed up. We had to cast someone else.
So is all this sexercise the reason why it took five years to make an album that's just over thirty minutes long?
Have you listened to it? It's a piece of crap. We're not exactly evolving as musicians. Live, we sound like the Kids of Widney High. We realize we can never be good musicians, so we justify the $15 ticket price by coming up with a bunch of crap to try and entertain people. Basically we want to distract the audience from the crappy music. If they see us bring up some dickhead and pay him to piss his pants, then they're not too upset. Honestly I'm surprised anyone comes out and pays money to see this crap.
What about the ladies who pay money to see you?
I find that as we get older, we get less hot chicks at the shows. We used to get chicks who were younger than the Hilary Duff crowd. That's okay. We just had to check the local statutes. Now it's all dudes and pagans and guys who look like they should be at a Great White show. If being in a band can't get me laid, what do I do now? Maybe I'll go country. Old country dudes still get hot chicks.
What movies are the band watching on the tour bus?
We've got a bootleg of that new Batman movie. It's way better than that crap they made with Val Kilmer and George Clooney. I thought Christian Bale was a dick, but he's really good. We're watching a lot of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
You're not watching anything sexier than that?
Oh, yeah, this is for Mr. Skin. If I'm watching a nude scene, I'm not sitting around with a bunch of dudes. You can forget that. You know, I like that scene in The Devil's Advocate where Charlize Theron (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) has her cans hanging out but she's been all beat up by the devil. That's one of my favorite scenes. There's a movie called The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven with Carmen Electra (Picture: - ), and not only does she get naked, but she gets the crap beat out of her. What could be a better combination?
So you've got a theme going here.
See, we had Carmen Electra in one of our videos. She seemed a little too much into herself for a lady whose only talent was getting a doctor to put some silicone into her chest. I don't believe in violence against women--but, yeah, I just wanted to punch her.
Evil Jared has a good sense of humor, though. It must help in his role as the often-naked bassist of The Bloodhound Gang. The ramshackle hitmakers took five years between Hooray for Boobies and Hefty Fine, but the band is still shamelessly immature as they mark ten years of successful idiocy. Invoking the Discovery Channel in "The Bad Touch" made them video stars--while the video caused plenty of controversy--and "The Ballad of Chasey Lain" remains one of pop's greatest tributes to a porn star.
The Bloodhound Gang can even be taken seriously as masters of moronic metal and catchy dance tunes. Any critics who say that the band is too old to act so childish probably still like Jonathan Richman. Meanwhile, Evil Jared makes it clear that The Bloodhound Gang doesn't give a shit about anything while chatting with Mr. Skin--and yet we're touched by how he cares about naked women.
There were five years betweens the release of Hurray for Boobies and Hefty Fine. Is that because you guys are such artists?
Yeah, we're real artists. We're Van Goghs. We're guys who toured that last album for eighteen months living on a bus with four other assholes, and it's like being married to every one of them. All of their personality quirks are cute at first--"Ha-ha, he snores"--but by the end of the tour, you want to kill them. Well, not kill them. I just wanted them to all be dead and me be the reason for it.
After that tour, we didn't talk to each other for about eight months and didn't get back together in the same room for about three years. Then we spent the next year and a half making it into the studio. I didn't want to see those assholes, but I love that money.
Could the band afford to take that much time off?
I don't know about the other guys, but I did a couple of independent movies in Philadelphia. I don't know if they were any good, but they paid me a thousand bucks a day, which is way more than I ever made in this band. They were my first non-porno roles. Then I did some emceeing for those pagans in Slayer. I toured around the country saying, "Slaaayer!" Then they'd come onstage. Why would Slayer need an emcee to begin with? And why the bass player from some Eurotrash fag band?
Wait a minute--tell us more about the porn roles.
Let me think, there's a few--Alana Evans (Picture: 1 - 2), I got her up the shitpipe one night. One time, I got a blowjob from Houston (Picture: 1 - 2).
This was on film?
Oh, all of it's on film--but just in our archives. The blowjob from Houston was supposed to be for a movie, but it didn't make the cut. I was so excited that I only lasted about thirty seconds. She was pissed. Afterwards she was trying to strike some kind of glamour pose, and she was complaining because I had left so much jizz in her hair. I was, like, "Shut up, bitch, this is the greatest day of my life."
Was all that a fringe benefit of recording "The Ballad of Chasey Lain"? (Picture:1 - 2 - 3)
That didn't work out like we planned. We got to meet her when she came over to the studio to do the song intro, and she was all bloated and sweaty and had forearms hairier than Robin Williams. I was, like, "Aaah! I got a boner for her?" She was very impressed with herself until she heard the song. Then she was, like, "That makes me out to be a whore!" Yeah, you're making money by letting a guy come over and fuck you. This is the song we wrote about it. Then we were going to give her a shitload of money to be in our video--like, $6,000, which is more than she's making anywhere--and she never showed up. We had to cast someone else.
So is all this sexercise the reason why it took five years to make an album that's just over thirty minutes long?
Have you listened to it? It's a piece of crap. We're not exactly evolving as musicians. Live, we sound like the Kids of Widney High. We realize we can never be good musicians, so we justify the $15 ticket price by coming up with a bunch of crap to try and entertain people. Basically we want to distract the audience from the crappy music. If they see us bring up some dickhead and pay him to piss his pants, then they're not too upset. Honestly I'm surprised anyone comes out and pays money to see this crap.
What about the ladies who pay money to see you?
I find that as we get older, we get less hot chicks at the shows. We used to get chicks who were younger than the Hilary Duff crowd. That's okay. We just had to check the local statutes. Now it's all dudes and pagans and guys who look like they should be at a Great White show. If being in a band can't get me laid, what do I do now? Maybe I'll go country. Old country dudes still get hot chicks.
What movies are the band watching on the tour bus?
We've got a bootleg of that new Batman movie. It's way better than that crap they made with Val Kilmer and George Clooney. I thought Christian Bale was a dick, but he's really good. We're watching a lot of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
You're not watching anything sexier than that?
Oh, yeah, this is for Mr. Skin. If I'm watching a nude scene, I'm not sitting around with a bunch of dudes. You can forget that. You know, I like that scene in The Devil's Advocate where Charlize Theron (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) has her cans hanging out but she's been all beat up by the devil. That's one of my favorite scenes. There's a movie called The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven with Carmen Electra (Picture: - ), and not only does she get naked, but she gets the crap beat out of her. What could be a better combination?
So you've got a theme going here.
See, we had Carmen Electra in one of our videos. She seemed a little too much into herself for a lady whose only talent was getting a doctor to put some silicone into her chest. I don't believe in violence against women--but, yeah, I just wanted to punch her.
