Linnea Quigley in The Return of the Living DeadHello my friends, and welcome back to Castle Rackula. I’ve been in a reflective mood lately. The economic meltdown that currently surrounds us has put me in mind of the movie Wall Street and the Black Monday crash of 1987.

Of course, the market doesn’t concern me, since all my assets are in the form of Aztec gold stored in a vault deep below the castle and guarded by an army of my thralls. As long as the blood banks don’t fail, I’ll be fine.

But back to the topic at hand. The 80s were a special for this vampire. I was in my early eight hundred and twenties and looking for a good time. And when I wasn’t haunting Studio 54 or waiting outside the health clinics to bite the girls who came out clean, I was at the movies!

Here are a few of my favorites from the era of breakdancing and Mr. Belvedere.

Kirsten Baker in Friday the 13th Part 2Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Featuring the first appearance of Jason as the killer (but still without the hockey mask) and the best nudity of the entire franchise,
Friday the 13th Part 2 is a worthy sequel indeed. At the 45-minute mark, the unspeakably hot Norwegian beauty Kirsten Baker strips for a skinny-dip and gives us a good long look at her fronties, fanny, and furburger. Bak-her? No, I’d eat her RAW!

The New York Ripper (1982)

The New York Ripper is a sleaze masterwork by my favorite Italian splatter maestro, Lucio Fulci. The story concerns a New York City detective who's on the trail of a killer who taunts him via phone calls made in a Donald Duck voice. Between quacks, the sex-crazed-slasher rips gorgeous women to scarlet smithereens in scenes of elegantly executed, robustly repulsive violence. While the bodies pile up, we're also treated to the sight of every delicious inch of Alexandra Delli Colli, Daniela Doria, and Zora Kerova. There’s more than one reason why they call this a “splatter” movie!

Linnea Quigley in The Return of the Living DeadThe Return of the Living Dead (1985)

I’m normally not much for horror-comedies, but I was one over by
Return of the Living Dead. Punk-rock meatheads, brain-eating zombies, nuclear excesses of the United States military, and the tits, tush, and twat of tasty tart Linnea Quigley’s make for some delightfully raunchy entertainment. Designed to provide more belly laughs than gut checks, this spoof of graveyard party people and the starving, stumbling corpses who yearn to eat them is propelled by a zany anti-logic and a thrashing speed-metal soundtrack. It goes without saying that the highlight of the film is Linnea’s fully nude dance in the graveyard. I thought it was just my kind that got turned on by the sight of tombstones.

Amanda Donohoe in The Lair of the White WormThe Lair of the White Worm (1988)

Ken Russell goes for the guts-sto in his masterful
The Lair of the White Worm. Adapted from a lesser known novel by Bram Stoker (who got what he deserved for his appalling lack of discretion), this simple tale of legendary rustic Worm Gods becomes a mad mix of rock ’n' roll and sadomasochistic imagery in Russel’s hands. As Lady Sylvia Marsh, Amanda Donohoe shows off her boobs, butt and bush repeatedly, and that will turn your White Worm into a King Cobra!

Well, I hope you’ve all enjoyed our little romp through those bygone heady days of wildly successful post-Eagles solo projects by Don Henley and Glenn Frey (neither of whom is ever welcome at this castle again!). Until you next darken the door of Castle Rackula, fangs for the mammaries!