By Mike McPadden
April 3, 2007
3 NEEDLES (2005)
STUDIO: Wolfe Video
NUDES: Chlo?evigny (Picture: ) (left breast, bush)
THE SKINNY: The AIDS crisis gets a globe-spanning treatment in 3 Needles, an acclaimed drama that illustrates the effect of the disease in stories that take place in Montreal, China, and South Africa. Shawn Ashmore portrays a Canadian porn star faking his HIV tests so that he can continue to work. Lucy Liu plays a government-appointed blood technician in rural China. And in a surprising bit of casting, Chlo?evigny takes on the role of a selfless South African nun. What's not surprising--and always welcome--is the fact that Chlo?oesn't have a "change of habit," and she makes sure to take off her clothes.
BACKSTAGE (2005)
STUDIO: Strand Releasing
NUDES: Emmanuelle Seigner (Picture: ) (breasts), Isild Le Besco (Picture: ) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: Veteran French skinema vixen Emmanuelle Seigner plays Madonna-like pop sensation Lauren Waks in the psychosexual drama Backstage. Isild Le Besco portrays star-struck suburban teen Lucie, whose dream is fulfilled when Lauren, whom she worships, makes an appearance in the girl's hometown. Not satisfied with the quick trip, Lucie follows the star back to Paris and infiltrates her life until each becomes utterly dependent upon the other. Naked obsession follows, and there're a lot of great up-fronts in Backstage.
BLACK CHRISTMAS: UNRATED EDITION (2006)
STUDIO: Genius Entertainment
NUDES: Crystal Lowe (Picture: ) (left breast, butt, bush), Karin Konoval (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Yule regret spending the holidays in your sorority house if you happen to be one of the female student bodies on hand for the slasher-flick remake Black Christmas. But if you're a horror fan who likes naked flesh along with blasts of blood, prepare to have more than just your bells jingled. A homicidal maniac, as is wont to happen in these productions, ducks out of his mental institution and heads back to his boyhood home, which now houses the aforementioned kissable and killable co-eds. Among the arousing roster are Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Katie Cassidy, and, most importantly (because she gets nude), Crystal Lowe. Black Christmas will stuff your stocking with some sweet pink parts.
THE GOOD SHEPHERD (2006)
STUDIO: Universal Home Video
NUDE: Martina Gedeck (Picture: ) (left breast)
THE SKINNY: Matt Damon plays upright young spy Edward Wilson in the globetrotting, decades-spanning, birth-of-the-CIA drama The Good Shepherd. Over the course of thirty-five years in service to the government, Wilson witnesses the Cold War at its hottest and, more importantly, he causes skinternational incidents with the always-simmering Angelina Jolie and Martina Gedeck's left areola. Directed by Robert De Niro and produced by Francis Ford Coppola, The Good Shepherd is rife with eye-opening ladies who won't leave you counting sheep.
KARLA (2006)
STUDIO: Monterey Video
NUDES: Cherilyn Hayres (Picture: ) (breasts), Kristen Swieconek (left breast)
THE SKINNY: That '70s Show's former redhead, Laura Prepon, (Picture: ) relentlessly sheds her TV-sweetheart persona in the title role of Karla. More specifically, Laura portrays true-life killer Karla Homolka, who, along with her husband, Paul Bernardo (Misha Collins), tortured and murdered a series of young girls--including Karla's own sister. While dim and disturbing, Karla is not without its bright spots, especially those revealed by Cherilyn Hayres and Kristen Swieconek.
THE SILENT PARTNER (1978)
STUDIO: Lions Gate
NUDES: Susannah York (right breast), C?ne Lomez (Picture: ) (breasts), Gail Dahms (right breast)
THE SKINNY: The small-scale Canadian-made thriller The Silent Partner garnered big raves and an enduring cult following as one of the "sleeper" films of 1978. Elliott Gould plays a put-upon bank teller who, while his branch is being robbed by a whacked-out crook (Christopher Plummer), manages to stash most of the money in his own safe-deposit box. When the bad guy gets wise, Gould's schnook character enters a cat-and-mouse scenario that's nearly as thrilling for viewers as the abundance of naked starlets on hand.
UNNATURAL AND ACCIDENTAL (2006)
STUDIO: Laguna Productions
NUDES: Michelle Thrush (Picture: ) (breasts), Tantoo Cardinal (breasts), Tinsel Korey (breasts), Trina Sxwithul'Txw (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Set in Vancouver, Canada, Unnatural and Accidental chronicles the odd odyssey of Rebecca (Carmen Moore) as she investigates her homeless mother's disappearance and is confronted by the spirits of murdered Aboriginal women. There are a lot of natural female body parts on display along the course of Rebecca's journey, along with some eye-opening violence and serious looks into the plight of her city's skid-row denizens--and none of that is Accidental.
VOLVER (2006)
STUDIO: Sony
NUDES: Yohana Cobo (Picture: ) (right breast)
THE SKINNY: Revered Spanish director Pedro Almod?'s Volver is a beguiling study of life and afterlife--sometimes gentle, sometimes bracing--that casts luminous Pen?pe Cruz (Picture: ) as one of two sisters who return to the town where their mother died. Complications arise when they discover that mama (Carmen Maura) is not quite dead. Rather, she is a ghost who is committed to helping her daughters, even when murder and reincarnation get tossed into the mix. Volver is Spanish for "to return." And return to this film is what you'll do after viewing Pen?pe in her bra and Yohana Coboout of her pajamas.
WOMAN IS THE FUTURE OF MAN (2004)
STUDIO: New Yorker Video
NUDE: Hyeon-a Seong (Picture: ) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: The title of this 2004 drama may state that Woman Is the Future of Man, but when the movie starts, the female protagonist, Park Seon-hwa (Hyeon-a Seong), is very much in the past for old college friends Kim Hyeon-gon (Tae-woo Kim) and Lee Mun-ho (Ji-tae Yu). It seems she has romantic history with both of them. This prompts the fellows to look up their old sweetheart and pay a visit to her. Both dudes fall anew for their former flame, setting up a complex romantic comedy that displays barbed insight into human relationships, along with its gorgeous leading lady's naked body, with aplomb.
*
APRIL 10, 2007
BENEATH STILL WATERS (2005)
STUDIO: Lions Gate
NUDE: Pilar Soto (Picture: - ) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: In Beneath Still Waters, ace horror helmer Brian Yuzna visits a soaking scenario similar to the one in the 2001 classic Dagon. Forty years in the past, a European town sank into the sea. All its residents were thought to have been moved to safety. As a neighboring community prepares to celebrate the occasion in the present day, however, supernatural doings suggest that the mini-Atlantis not only took some citizens down with it, but that those same submerged spirits are set to return--and exact gruesome revenge. Beneath Still Waters is a terrific skinternational terror romp, and the presence of naked Pilar Soto guarantees that nothing's going to remain still beneath your zipper.
THE INVESTIGATOR (1997)
STUDIO: Acorn Media
NUDE: Katrina Levon (right breast)
THE SKINNY: Sniffing out lesbians from the British army. It's a dirty job, and some lucky bird's got to do it. In the case of The Investigator, the lez-detector is played by Helen Baxendale as a staff(-free) sergeant whose nosing around in the private parts of enlisted women makes her question her own heterosexuality. One gander at Katrina Levon's right bazooka will have you commit to a lifetime of strict lady loving as well.
LIFE TASTES GOOD (1999)
STUDIO: Cinema Epoch
NUDES: Julia Nickson-Soul (Picture: ) (left breast)
THE SKINNY: A dead man tells quite a tale in Life Tastes Good. Specifically, the narrator is a money launderer (Sab Shimono) whose body is discovered by a couple of detectives at the movie's beginning. We then see what led to his demise in flashback: a series of schemes and double crosses, family complications, and the siren's song of a naked femme fatale, beautifully embodied by Julia Nickson-Soul. Life may taste good, as the title declares, but Julia is downright delicious!
LE PETIT LIEUTENANT (2005)
STUDIO: Koch
NUDE: B?ng? Allaux (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Jalil Lespert tackles the title role in the French crime drama Le Petit Lieutenant. Lespert plays Antoine, an ambitious young beat cop who's thrust fresh from the academy into the dirty jungle of urban police work. Knockout Nathalie Baye goes against type here as Antoine's superior officer, but it's newcomer B?ng? Allaux who bares her Parisian pastries. That'll make your lieutenant anything but petite!
PHANTASM III (1994)
STUDIO: Anchor Bay Entertainment
NUDE: Gloria Lynn Henry (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Writer-director Don Coscarelli's Phantasm III is a standout entry in his wild, freak-out-inducing fright series about another dimension of demonic dwarves, apocalyptic doom, and the Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) that lies just beyond the gates of a low-key funeral parlor. Ponytailed ice-cream-man hero Reggie Bannister returns, as do the flying balls that seek out human foreheads to attach themselves to and begin drilling. Gloria Lynn Henry turns out, takes off her top, and proves to be so sexy it's scary!
SKIN CRAWL (2007)
STUDIO: Pop Cinema
NUDES: Julian Wells (Picture: ) (breasts, butt, bush), Ruby Larocca (butt)
THE SKINNY: Skin Crawl chronicles the curse of the Warbeck sisters, a pair of witchcraft-savvy siblings who were persecuted in the seventeenth century. When the youngest Warbeck gets killed, the sisters put a hex on all who will hurt their family members from that day forward. The movie, then, leaps ahead to 2007. Margret (the always alluring Debbie Rochon) and Howard (Kevin G. Shinnick) are suffering from marital woes. For one thing, Howard is cavorting with curvaceous Sadie (Julian Wells) and, for another, he's planning to knock off Margret for her inheritance. The murder goes down, but what comes up, to Howard's surprise, is the fact that Margret is the last living descendent of the Warbecks. Revenge is a dish best served centuries old--and by naked women, of course!
SOMBRE (1998)
STUDIO: Koch
NUDES: Coralie, G?ldine Voillat (Picture: ) (FFN, butt), Elina L?sohn (breasts), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: From France comes Sombre, a stark, artful spelunk into the inner workings of a serial murderer that routinely horrifies audiences--some of whom love the film exactly for that reason. Sombre opens with its anti-hero, Jean (Marc Barb?b), careening around French neighborhoods with a video camera, randomly strangling women. The first twenty-five minutes, in fact, consist solely of the killer's handheld footage. Eventually he picks up a pair of sisters (G?ldine Voillat and Elina L?sohn) and lures them down into his cracked, terrifying existence. Along the way, naked female body parts abound, so, as Jean jokes with his victims, don't be shocked if you find yourself choking on your own chicken.
SONS LOVERS (2003)
STUDIO: Koch
NUDES: Esther Hall (Picture: ) (FFN, butt), Lyndsey Marshal (Picture: ) (breasts, butt, bush)
THE SKINNY: This BBC-produced adaptation of D.H. Lawrence's semi-autobiographical novel Sons Lovers is not, as the title might get one hoping, an English twist on the popular Taboo adult-film series. Instead, it is the tale of aspiring young writer Paul (Rupert Evans) as he attempts to learn the ways of romance with various lovely birds, all the while looking to escape his dreary mining town and the overbearing influence of his mother (Sarah Lancashire). Fortunately this involves a lot of shockingly arousing and explicit nudity, albeit none from mom, and we can enjoy the fact that Lawrence-as-Paul would go on, in real life, to be one of the most revered wordsmiths in the English language.
SURVIVAL QUEST (1989)
STUDIO: AnchorBayEntertainment.com
NUDE: Traci Lind (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Phantasm mastermind Don Coscarelli turns his gory imagination on the wilderness in Survival Quest, a tale of six "city slickers" forced to rough it on a dangerous mountain. Three of the campers are gun-toting, take-no-prisoners survivalists. The others are on a semi-New-Age quest. When violence erupts between the two groups, it's a wild, brutal run to get back to civilization. Survival Quest is noteworthy not only for Coscarelli's direction but for an oddball cast that includes Lance Henriksen, Reggie Bannister, Dermot Mulroney, Catherine Keener, Aristocrats director Paul Provenza, and, most importantly, Traci Lind's bare breasts.
*
APRIL 17, 2007
LAST KING OF SCOTLAND (2006)
STUDIO: 20th Century Fox
NUDES: Kerry Washington (Picture: ) (butt), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: African dictator Idi Amin ruled the nation of Uganda with an iron fist and an expert palate for cannibalistic cuisine. Weirder still, Amin was enamored with all things Scottish, to the point that he appointed himself the ruler of the British isle (without their knowledge of course). Hence the title The Last King of Scotland, a view of Amin's horrific tenure from a Scottish doctor (James McAvoy) who became the strongman's personal physician. Forest Whitaker scored a Best Actor Academy Award for his electrifying embodiment of Idi-ocity, but it's Kerry Washington--as one of the numerous Mrs. Amins--that will put a trophy in your safari pants.
SMOKIN' ACES (2006)
STUDIO: Universal Home Video
NUDES: Janet Edwards (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Buddy Israel (Jeremy Piven) is a two-bit Las Vegas lounge lizard who rats to the feds about various Sin City illegalities in Smokin' Aces, thereby igniting a race between multiple hitmen to rub him out. The ensemble cast of this mob romp includes Ben Affleck, Ryan Reynolds, Alicia Keys (Picture: ), Alicia Keys, and Andy Garcia. Still, they're all bested by double-breasted Janet Edwards, who bares her Smokin' pair.
THIEVES LIKE US (1974)
STUDIO: MGM Home Video
NUDES: Shelley Duvall (Picture: ) (breasts, butt, bush)
THE SKINNY: Thieves Like Us is another of director Robert Altman's sprawling, free-form '70s hits. This time, the set-up involves a bunch of bank robbers in the '30s. There are many typical movie moments: bank robberies, getaways, boy meets girl, heist planning, prison breaks, love story. But this is Altman, so they're all told in a fresh and original manner. His usual cast of characters abound, but it's string-bean cutie Shelley Duvall who really excels in a tub scene that exposes all of her small wonders. And you can take that to the (sperm) bank!
*
APRIL 24, 2007
.45 (2006)
STUDIO: ThinkFilm
NUDE: Milla Jovovich (Picture: ) (breasts, bush)
THE SKINNY: Supermodel turned action-flick ass-kicker Milla Jovovich sports what we like to call GNATs--in other words, the Greatest Nipples of All Time--and the new crime blowout .45 provides fresh blasts of her udderly mouth-watering meat bullets. Here, Milla plays the girlfriend of a scumbag drug dealer (Angus Macfadyen) who abuses the great woman he's got one too many times. The pusher gets his, and viewers will get theirs as Milla shows off not only her long, thick, all-powerfully protuberant milk spouts, but also her high-fashion hair pie.
THE BLACK CAT (1981)
STUDIO: Blue Underground
NUDE: Daniela Doria (Picture: ) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Lucio Fulci, one of Italy's most revered fright-flick makers, turns to Edgar Allen Poe for inspiration in the ferocious feline thriller The Black Cat. Patrick Magee is a psychic with pussy trouble. His ebony-hued pet tabby, he's convinced, is evil and somehow knocking off folks who traipse through the psychic's seaside English village. After Magee euthanizes the animal, it not only comes back to life, it possesses the mind of its owner and, mee-yow, does the kitty litter fly!
THE CHALLENGE (2005)
STUDIO: Image Entertainment
NUDES: Zora Holt (Picture: ) (left breast, butt)
THE SKINNY: Sci-fi meets kung-fu--in Germany--in the skinternational action hit The Challenge. In the mid-twenty-first century, Europe has collapsed into post-apocalyptic chaos. Deutschland, not unexpectedly, is threatened by tyrannical rule, and it's up to martial arts masters led by Mathis Landwehr to strike all manner of blows for freedom. Gorgeous Zora Holt provides something worth fighting for when she steps out of a tub and shows off some side boobage and round, robust butt.
D? VU (2006)
STUDIO: Touchstone
NUDES: Paula Patton (Picture: ) (left breast, butt)
THE SKINNY: Denzel Washington plays an ATF agent who's made privy to time-bending technology in the sci-fi action thriller D? Vu. After an explosive terrorist attack on a New Orleans ferry, the FBI brings Washington in to track down the bomber by utilizing devices that allow him to literally see into the past and, thereby, change the present and future. D? Vu is heady, twisty fun, and never more so than when Paula Patton reveals her D? buns.
THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981)
STUDIO: Blue-Underground.com
NUDE: Daniela Doria (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Italian splatter maestro Lucio Fulci is at his chunk-blowing best in the supernatural gore parade The House by the Cemetery. The first mistake a young family makes is moving into the titular New England abode, which was previously occupied by diabolical Dr. Freudstein, a mad medico with a penchant for human experimentation. The brood's second mistake is not immediately moving out once the doctor's lethal legacy spills out from beyond the grave, but their foolishness is a horror fan's gain as the proceedings spill out into plasma-spattered insanity. Daniela Doria, as the topless First Victim, will get your blood pumping in a much more pleasurable fashion.
NAKED YOU DIE (1968)
STUDIO: Dark Sky Films
NUDE: Malisa Longo (Picture: ) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: A psychopathic killer roams the halls of an elite female boarding school in the giallo classic Naked You Die. The killer's primary target is wealthy heiress Lucille (Eleonora Brown), a naughty student who mounts the riding instructor (Mark Damon) during her extracurricular hours. Before going for the hit on Lucille, the murderer warms up by dispensing of a number of other students, including nubile schoolgirl Malisa Longo. In a tantalizing build-up scene, the unsuspecting victim showers unaware, offering a lasting peek at the pert body the killer finds so irresistible.
SNOOP DOGG'S HOOD OF HORROR (2006)
STUDIO: Vivendi Entertainment
NUDES: Yadi Valerio (breasts), Jillian Difusco (right breast)
THE SKINNY: Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror is an old-fashioned fright anthology in the tradition of Trilogy of Terror (1975), Creepshow (1982), or, more specifically, Tales from the Hood (1995). Here, Snoop Dogg plays the Hound of Hell--"the gatekeeper of the after-party"--who spins three hip-hop-flavored tales of terror. Each involves a blood-soaked supernatural comeuppance for those who attempt to bring corruption and ill will to the ghetto. In the first, Daniella Alonso receives otherworldly powers of revenge that she uses against lethal gangbangers. Next up, racist redneck Tex Woods Jr. (Anson Mount) and his bimbo missus (Brande Roderick) push Ernie Hudson, as a war veteran, and his buddies too far and the result involves some very messy dog food. Finally, Lin Shaye portrays a criminal rap star who gets "spun" by an undead DJ. Yadi Valerio and Jillian Difusco provide gazongas in between Hood's explosions of gore.
THE TROUBLE WITH MEN AND WOMEN (2003)
STUDIO: IFC Films
NUDES: Kate Ashfield (breasts), Karine Adrover (Picture: ) (breasts), Karen Tomlin (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: As age thirty looms, a group of London friends contemplate sex, romance, and the future in The Trouble with Men and Women. The story starts when Deborah (Neve McIntosh) gives the heave-ho to Matt (Joseph McFadden), her boyfriend of the previous six years. As they each spin out in search of new love, the former couple's friends Vinnie (Matthew Delamere) and Susie (Kate Ashfield) observe while their own relationship teeters on various brinks. There's no trouble with women here, as female nudity abounds between all the witty banter.
UNTIL DEATH (2007)
STUDIO: Sony
NUDES: Julia Horvath (Picture: ) (breasts, butt), uncredited actresses
THE SKINNY: Wham! Bam! Action fans are always glad to see Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Until Death provides an unusual showcase for the Muscles from Brussels. Here, Mr. V.D. plays a crooked cop with a heroin habit and a wife who's knocked up with somebody else's kid. Stephen Rea co-stars as our anti-hero's former partner, who's switched sides and become a full-time criminal. As Jean-Claude ultimately fights for his own redemption, bullets fly, bodies fall, and female cast members' clothing comes off. Until Death is a live one.
