By Mr. SkinRoll out the red carpet, rev up the stretch limo, and unzip your tuxedo pants--'ti(t)s award season again, and I'm not talking about the Golden Globes. Actually, I'm talking about a lot of golden globes ... and glutes ... and well, gee, you get the picture.
On Thursday, March 2, 2006, I announced the winners of my seventh annual Anatomy Awards, offering a skinthusiastic one-armed salute to the finest achievements in flesh-on-film during the previous year.
Looking back (and full frontal), 2005 proved to be a season of mixed blessings. No A-list Hollywood hotties revealed anything particularly ravishing, but the nudecomer front proved to be packed with powerfully pleasing surprises topped, naturally, by my pick for Best Nude Scene of the Year: Anne Hathaway (Picture: 1) in the low-budget crime drama Havoc.
Prior to this, Anne was best known for her squeaky-clean turn in the G-rated Princess Diaries movies. In Havoc, she portrays a suburban teen tempted by ghetto-style derring-do and, along the way, goes from goodie-two-shoes to nudie-two-boobs right before our eyes. And free hand.
Nudecomer of 2005, one of the most skin-portant of all categories, is bestowed upon Juliette Marquis (Picture: ). The brunette bombshell flashed flawless fanny in this year's Into the Sun but was absolutely electrifying in This Girl's Life, a skindependent drama made in 2003 and released last year that also contains my pick for the Best Girl-Girl Scene of 2005. Juliette and Cheyenne Silver (Picture: 1) grind groins mo(i)st spectacularly, racking up an unprecedented double-win for mighty Miss Marquis.
Another bare breakout came from Alexis Dziena (Picture: 1), who made millions of trouser tulips bloom with her all-points-unveiled nude debut in the quirky Bill Murray romance Broken Flowers.
As a taut teen tantalizer too-appropriately named Lolita, Alexis was a flue-in for Best Full Frontal honors (and off-hers). However, another rug reveal proved so powerfully protuberant that it necessitated the creation of a new category. Thus I must tip my hat to muffalicious Mia Kirshner (Picture: 1) of Showtime's lezapalooza series The L Word, who scored the first-ever Best FUR-Frontal title.
Speaking of The L Word, the 2004 choice for Best Cable Series was once again, this season, a hotbed of A-list girl-girl action that routinely exploded with exposed C-words. It had heavy competition on the premium-channel front, and this year's prize winner was Masters of Horror (Picture: 1), which also airs on Showtime and is guaranteed to turn you into a Master of Bates.
That stated, HBO's epic mini-series Rome was no limp dagger itself, with ancient eyefuls orgying and tossing off their togas in high Caligula fashion. One Rome episode, "The Stolen Eagle", depicts Polly Walker (Picture: ) as a meaty-mammed, fluffy-muffed matriarch standing naked before her teenage son in the bath and inviting junior to join her. That lucky motherfucker automatically notched 2005's Best Skincest Scene.
Also on HBO, the kinky sideshow series Carniv? served up big, big Cynthia Ettinger (Picture: 1) dancing topless under the big top, with the Best Jumbo Jacks of 2005 beguiling all comers. In real life, Cynthia is the daughter of rock star Meat Loaf, and she's still got me making my own gravy.
Nudity was scarce on network TV, although Lake Bell (Picture: ) on NBC's Surface brewed up a storm in my pants when she appeared sopping wet in just her bra and panties. Similarly, Jessica Simpson's (Picture: 1) slinky swimsuit in The Dukes of Hazzard easily snagged Best Bikini, and Pamela Anderson's (Picture: ) udderly sheer shirt made her uproarious Comedy Central Roast a seriously spank-worthy matter.
Jessica Alba (Picture: 1) never fully squirmed out of her bathing suit in the undersea adventure Into the Blue, but if you're diving for derriere gold, there was no more perfect posterior--maybe ever!
Nude on video, The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Picture: ) went from a skinless bust in its theatrical form to a bounty of bare babes in its bonus materials, earning the Best 2005 DVD ranking. The classic Bill Murray Army farce Stripes restored amazing, previously unseen footage of cult starlet P.J. Soles (Picture: 1) out of her p.j.'s, skinstantly getting my nod for Best Retro DVD Release.
Proving that heat knows no age limit or color, Jane Seymour (Picture: ) nailed the Best Over-50 Nude Scene for her nuptial naughtiness in Wedding Crashers, while Jennifer Esposito (Picture: 1) performed opposite Don Cheadle in last year's Best Skinteracial scene in Crash.
For all its niptastic nay-nays, the bold comic-book adaptation Sin City may as well have been named Skin Titties. Just check out luscious Carla Gugino's (Picture: ) gorgeous gazongas in the flick and you'll understand immediately how she was honored with the Best Breasts of 2005 honors.
Will Carla one day rank among the Hottest of the Hot in Mr. Skin's Hall of Fame, as does this year's honoree, Pam Grier (Picture: 1)? We can only hope that she'll keep trying.
Finally, we come to 2005's Breast Picture. My top prize this year goes to Where the Truth Lies, an initially underappreciated arthouse flick. Featuring a nude debut from Rachel Blanchard (Picture: ), lesbo action between Alison Lohman and Rebecca Davis, Kristin Adams baring her apples, and assorted anonymous nudes, Where the Truth Lies turns out to be where the nudes fly.
