By Col. Tobias McGleaner, ret.
There are no atheists in the foxhole and I've been in enough ditches overflowing with my fellow Gis' blood and guts to be ordained a minister. I may be retired from active duty in the armed forces, but I fought and many died to keep our country's trust in God. That trust has been broken and it makes me weep.
Nietzsche famously wrote that God is dead. Well, I don't see Nietzsche popping any boners lately. And God still beats strongly in my chest each time I place a hand over my heart to pledge allegiance to the flag. But there's still minions trying to bury our Father and those most guilty of that mortal sin are the soulless fruits and nuts that populate Hollywood. They've turned the pews of our church into phew emanating from multiplexes across this great land of ours.
Everybody is bitching and complaining about how they're represented on the silver screen. You can't make fun of woman or harm an animal in the process of making a film. You'd never be able to make a good, old-fashion war picture like the ones I grew up on, where a brave company was made up of the stereotypical Italian from the Bronx, Jew from Brooklyn and martyred black man. The ACLU would run you out of town. But mock God-fearing Christians, take the Lord's name in vain, and that's big box office.
Thank providence for Mel Gibson and the blockbuster success of The Passion of the Christ. Maybe there's hope for the damned infidels. But there's overwhelming evidence that we're going to hell in a celluloid hand basket. Below is my indictment of an industry lost in the wilderness of secularism.
Consider me a modern-day Martin Luther and this my petition nailed to the gates of Tinsel Town. Oh, I am torn, because these devils tempt me with the pleasures of the flesh. But I'll be strong and whip the beast with my erection until it crawls back into its putrid pit.
THE ANTI-CHRIST (1974)
Heaven: You can't blame Satan for choosing Carla Gravina (Picture: - ) as his host. The Italian temptress will pop your wine cork with those Mediterranean curves. But it's Anita Strindberg, who flashes some juicy round fanny, that made my head spin.
Hell:The Exorcist was an important film that exposed evil in our midst, but it's become fodder for assembly-line schlock that belittles the real danger of the devil. This rip-off takes a beautiful creature of God like Carla, has her confronted by Beelzebub and burned as a witch. She levitates and vomits pea soup. I puked for real.
BAD LIEUTENANT (1992)
Heaven:Frankie Thorn is the hottest redhead with the softest pillows I've ever laid my eyes on. She's a sacrament even an anti-papist could swallow.
Hell Talk about a thorn in my side, Frankie plays a nun and shows off her burning bush while at the alter!
THE CONVENT OF SINNERS (1986)
Heaven:Eva Grimaldi is the kind of girl that explains why Italy is shaped like an erect penis. She reminds me of the grateful Italians that we liberated from the Nazis (and their clothing) during the final days of WWII.
Hell: Well, I'm not the only who thinks of Eva as a lip-smacking erotic pastry. In this foul story a convent of both priest and nuns are sweet on her and want to sink their crucifixes into her holey Mary.
THE CRIME OF PADRE AMARO (2002)
Heaven: Mexico's greatest sexport is not drugs but the south of her border charms of hot tamales like Ana Claudia Talancn. Here she plays a teenager whose hormones rage as big as her breasts bulge.
Hell:: Ana is a great temptation, but when I've been Mexico way on covert missions to exterminate the poppy fields that have so devastated our nation's youth, I've been all business. I wish I could say the same about Gael Garcia Bernal. He stars as a priest who gets hot around the collar for the sexy senora. I guess Church rules are more lenient in Mexico.
THE DEVILS (1971)
Heaven: I've always had a special tinge in my government-issued equipment for full-frontal English Tea A, especially if that Brit babe is wearing white face like a mime. It goes back to a painful childhood experience I'd prefer not to share. So, when Georgina Hale (Picture: - - ) flashed her royal jewels in this kooky Ken Russell film I dropped my scones.
Hell: I proceeded to drop my jaw, however, watching Oliver Reed as a carnal priest who impregnates Gemma Jones (Picture: ). If that's not foul enough, Lynn Redgrave plays a nun with sexual fantasies about Reed, while the rest of the nunnery in conducting orgies or, God forgive me, daydreaming about doing it with Jesus Christ! Well, at least the movie is true to its title.
THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE (1997)
HeavenCharlize Theron may have won an Oscar playing a monster, but she deserved an Anatomy Award for her hairy pie-ball perv-formance in this drama. I'd advocate Charlize putting her little devils into McGleaner's private hell anytime.
Hell: Just when Charlize couldn't get hotter, completely nude from her doughy cupfuls to her dewy patch, the camera pulls out and the viewer realizes, oh yes, she's doing the streak in church! Everything's sexy, but nothing's sacred anymore.
THE EROTICIST (1972)
Heaven: When I was going to Catholic school none of the nuns looked half as hot as Laura Antonelli (Picture: - - ), who even with her boyish haircut makes me want to grab my bayonet, and not to slit a combatant's throat, when she exposes her soft naked body.
Hell: In this story of sexual possession, I can almost forgive Laura's portrait of a saucy Bride of Christ. Hell, I soiled my cloth watching this, but why are there no movies about horny Buddhist monks?
HAIL MARY (1985)
Heaven: If ever there was proof of God's existence it's in the holy vessel of French sex bomb Myriem Roussel (Picture: - - - ). She stars in this Jean-Luc Godard-helmed picture. I've never been a fan of any New Wave, and certainly not one coming out of France, but I may have to reconsider after watching Godard undress the buxom Myriem with his camera.
Hell Now, if you'll allow me the gall to pretend that I was God for a moment and I needed to plant my seed in an unsuspecting human to launch the Second Coming, sure I'd pick someone as ripe as Myriem. But I wouldn't make a damn movie about it! This tale of a modern-day Mary is definitely a manger mistake.
THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM (1975)
Heaven:Carmen Silva comes back from the grave and every ghoul should look so good. She's naked, naturally, and shows off every part of her luscious body, which doesn't look any worse for wear considering it's been down the River Styx. It certainly raises my stick.
Hell: Call me Papa Boner, because I'm a big daddy when Carman's little girls come out to play. That is until I realize this demon is trying to seduce a priest. Doesn't she know that a man of God has taken a vow of chastity?
THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST (1988)
Heaven: Who wouldn't want to take a trip up Barbara Hershey's (Picture: - - ) highway? But here she's playing Mary Magdalene and that just ties my nuts up in a knot. Her big melons are juicy, but forbidden fruit.
Hell: The Bible tells us Mary was a whore, but that doesn't mean we need to see graphic interpretation of this historical fact. And then when she tries to get into Jesus' loincloth I'm ready to crucify Hollywood.
MONSIGNOR (1982)
Heaven: France is too far and I've killed too many people on the bloody battlefields there during the big two world wars. But I do love the sensual embrace of a French tart. Oh, Canada, you give me a French tickler with just a quick sprint across the border. And there's few Canucks I'd rather canoodle with than Genevive Bujold (Picture: ). She shows off her petite pastries here and that's sweet.
Hell: Only trouble is Genevi? is playing a nun and it's best for both her and I if she'd get out of the habit of flashing her rosaries. Christopher Reeves plays the promiscuous priest with the hots for her. Want proof there's a God? Check out how sacrilegious Reeves is getting around nowadays.
THE NAME OF THE ROSE (1986)
Heaven: What a spicy dish Valentina Vargas is. And in this flick she plays a very pleasant peasant girl. Yes, we're all naked beneath our clothes, but few are as carnally comely as Valentina. Her savory breasts and buns are a staple of any sexual diet.
Hell: Introduce this Chilean hot pepper to a rectory of celibate monks and there's going to be monkey business. Young monk-to-be Christian Slader falls under Valentina's devilish charm and gives up his calling for this Dark Ages angel. He may have lost his faith, but he found something else to be passionate about. Can't really blame the kid. I'm no choirboy myself.
NUNS ON THE RUN (1990)
Heaven: We kicked their ass in the Revolutionary War, but I have a soft spot (and a hard one, too) for the girls beneath the Red Coats. Case in point, two cases really, is Tatiana Strauss, who offers up her whale Britannias in a voyeuristic locker-room scene.
Hell: Much as I love their sweet tarts, the pansy men of England make me just shake my head. This comedy has Eric Idle impersonating a nun, which is business as usual for this professional transvestite. The son may never set on the British Empire, but he's always in drag.
ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968)
Heaven:Frank Sinatra dropped Mia Farrow (Picture: - - - ) like a virgin martini after she exposed her finery in this film and I can't blame Old Blue Eyes. No woman of mine would ever be allowed to share her goodies with the general public. But that doesn't mean I won't ogle Mia's mams.
Hell: Hell, I got to give the Devil his due. Mia's a moan-worthy piece of ass.
THE SINFUL NUNS OF ST. VALENTINE (1973)
Heaven: Maybe it's all that time I spent in POW camps, but I have to admit the guilty pleasure of BD. So when Jenny Tamburi is strung up by her arms topless for a bit of whipping I'm whipping it out, too.
Hell: During the infamous Inquisition, which is when this picture takes place, there were horrible atrocities. Here it's more likely nunsploitation filmmakers like these were just trying to get their holy rollers off.
THE SIGN OF THE CROSS (1932)
Heaven: The old Hollywood stars shined hotter, like Claudette Colbert (Picture: ), who made my foxhole that much foxier thanks to her pinup. And when I finally got to see her pink artillery flash in this flick it hit the target.
Hell: Claudette is one of the Roman decadents that gets off feeding Christians to the lions. At least this movie portrays the God-fearing followers of Jesus Christ as heroes, even if they have to be eaten alive for the privilege.
