Comedian Reveals Aural Fixation with Married With Children Star

Howard Stern sidekick and Friend of Skin Artie Lange reveals in his new autobiography, Too Fat to Fish, that he pleasured himself to the sound of Christina Applegate talking on the other side of his dressing room wall when she was a guest on Mad TV.

"Like a moth to the flame, I got up and stood right behind the door," Artie recalls. "Just the sound of her talking about the most boring, everyday aspects of her wardrobe was too much for me."

So much in fact, that the Beer League star had to take splatters into his own hands.

Artie does not foresee Christina being disturbed by his masturbation revelation, like a lot of more uptight actresses might be.

"She should take it as a compliment," Artie told the New York Daily News. "She was the closest thing to sex that I ever had with a celebrity."

That’s closer than most of us get. The majority of fans have to make do with the sexy pics of the painfully hot but notoriously skingy actress on

That is, until that pre-mastectomy nude photo session comes out.