By J.R. Taylor
Editor's Note:
As a service to users of MrSkin.com and fans of stripped starlets in general, we are proud to present the first in a series of scorching expos?titled TRULY BAD SKINEMA.
The purpose of this project is to protect a horny, hottie-hungry public from the perils of picking up a flick at the video store that appears to promise all manner of flesh--only to then witness in wiener-shrinking horror that it skimps on delivering any real skin whatsoever.
Here at MrSkin.com, we're on the lookout for you--good, bad, and ... TRULY BAD!
--Selwyn Harris, Editorial Director
Tadpole (2002)
Starring: Aaron Stanford, Sigourney Weaver (Picture: ), Bebe Neuwirth (Picture: 1)
Aaron Stanford plays a kid who isn't like most fifteen-year-olds. He's not dreaming of graduating from prep school and tapping a keg in the frat house. Instead, he's intent on tapping the asses of the many fine older society gals waiting for him back home in Manhattan.
That's a fairly promising plotline for Tadpole, an acclaimed indie that hit the home-video market with an impressive collection of festival honors. We weren't expecting a typical teen sex comedy, but the photo on the back of the box sure looks promising. There's Sigourney Weaver and Bebe Neuwirth in clingy dresses looming over our young hero, while Aaron's got an expression like he's just pulled a boner--and we don't mean in the typical teen sex comedy manner. Or maybe we do. What exactly does that term mean nowadays?
Anyway, we're not intimidated when the film starts with a quote from Voltaire. Aaron's reading the noted author while on a train back from school for Thanksgiving, where he ignores a cute fellow schoolmate who's flirting with him. As he explains to his best friend, "She has hands like a child." He also explains to his friend that life isn't all about getting laid. Like we said, we knew this wasn't a typical teen sex comedy.
It turns out that the object of Aaron's desire is actually married to his dad--played by John Ritter, who's a little too oblivious to recite 8 Simple Rules for Not Screwing Your Stepmom. You can't blame young Aaron, either, since Sigourney Weaver is looking fine in her fifties. Any teen would want to pull an Alien in reverse and burst into that chest.
Aaron is soon trying to cook things up in the kitchen with Sigourney, staring at her hands and complaining about the dumb girls back at school. "You have high expectations, don't you?" asks the stepmom. Right now, we all do.
Bebe Neuwirth then steps in as Sigourney's fortysomething best friend, who's certainly comfortable pulling things out of Aaron's pants--specifically, that Voltaire paperback. That's okay. We know where things are going, especially after Aaron rejects another cutie teen who tries to get him to join her for a Moby concert. You know, Aaron may have a point about this whole older woman thing.
A depressed Aaron then gets drunk and flirts with Theo Kogan. He gets lucky, too, since he runs into Bebe while staggering home. The film promisingly morphs into a cheap porn flick as chiropractor Bebe brings the boy home for a back massage. She's wearing a scarf she borrowed from his stepmom, too, which suddenly gives Aaron the idea to get bizzi with Bebe. Sadly, he's the only one who bothers to ditch his shirt, and then there's a quick fade as Aaron wakes up next to his fine older conquest. It's November, you know, so Bebe's got an eighty-eight-pound comforter pulled up to her neck.
Aaron tries to sneak out, but he's distracted by Bebe's lover in the kitchen. Fortunately, the older guy assumes Aaron's a client. This gives Aaron a chance to plead with Bebe not to tell anybody about how he's just ravaged her incredible bod. Aaron really isn't like any teenager we've ever known.
At this point, we're remembering how the Miramax publicity crew tried to hype this film by planting articles about "tadpoling", which was supposedly a popular new trend where mature socialites were taking teenage lovers. Nobody really fell for it. Still, we understand that the plot will now take off as Bebe introduces Aaron to plenty of her horny female friends--played by actresses who don't get top billing and are more likely to bare their bottoms.
But first, we have to endure a fantasy sequence where Aaron dreams about taking his stepmom kite flying. And taking her on a carousel. We don't mean taking her on a carousel, either. The whole thing is shot in corny soft-focus, so maybe we're supposed to be in on the joke. Wake us up when there's a punchline in our pants.
Aaron finds out that Bebe's joining the family for dinner that night, so he rushes out to beg her to cancel--and, oh yeah, please remember not to brag about all the great sex she enjoyed the night before. He finds her dining with a bunch of gal pals of that certain age. They're all very interested in meeting him, wink wink. These include Hope Chernov, Debbon Ayer, and Marcia DeBonis, all of whom he's soon charming over tea.
This would be a really good place for the plot to lead to a long montage of assorted New York City dames heaving in orgasm. Instead, the only thing Aaron puts himself at risk of contracting is all of these ladies' business cards.
Then there's a pithy dinner scene where Bebe finally spills the beans about spilling Aaron's seed. This leads to lots of conversation, finally culminating in some serious sexual tension as Aaron and Sigourney wash dishes together. Sadly, the closest Aaron really gets to balling his stepmom is in a round of tennis. Aaron and Sigourney fail to happen, and the young man takes a train back to school and decides to start flirting back with that cute classmate of his--because, you know, that business of having sex with gorgeous older women was going so poorly.
The whole film wraps up in under eighty minutes. There's not even screen time for Aaron to muddle his way into the muffs of more MILFs. We check that video box again, and there it is--a proud PG-13 rating. For once, the MPAA was trying to do us a favor, and we didn't pay attention. But now we're seventy-seven minutes older and wiser.
**Been burned by a bare-free film that lured you in with a come-on of clothes coming off? Got a TRULY BAD SKINEMA candidate you'd like to see laid bare? Email us at: skinskribe@mrskin.com
