By James Hollis SmithJune brings us schoolgirls, showering soldier girls, women of ill repute, strippers, sex slaves, and even our all-time second favorite groundskeeper, Bill Murray. This month's DVDs read like a handful of theme shows from steamy daytime television: "When chest implants go too far," "Teenagers who kill," and, finally, "Men who are built like toothpicks and the women who love them!" Don't touch that dial!
Out on June 7
Be Cool (2005, MGM)
Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is back. Whereas in Get Shorty (1995), Chili took on the movie business, this time he's got his sights set on the music industry. Cue the Steven Tyler cameo! Basically Chili takes a young, sexy songstress (Christina Milian (Picture: 1 - 2)) under his wing and tries to help her reach the top. Along the way Chili battles everyone from the Russian mob to a gay Samoan bodyguard played by The Rock. Cedric the Entertainer and Outkast's Andre 3000 school Chili in the rap game, and Vince Vaughn is even on hand as Raji, the NAACP's worst nightmare. As for the sexy skinfo, Christina is delicious while dancing onstage in a bikini-top/jeans-shorts combo with the other two-thirds of her poor-man's Destiny's Child. But ageless Uma Thurman (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) shows off even more skin while sunbathing. Chili comes up behind Uma, who's lying on her stomach, giving us a lingering POV leer at her ravishing rump. When she hops up to put on her top, smack that pause button and you'll catch lightning in a bottle--in the form of a very quick slip of the nip. All those Kill Bill workouts did her body good. I know what you're thinking and, yes, you get your Danny DeVito. Just be cool.
Stripes (Extended Cut) (1981, Columbia TriStar)
Your favorite wacky, slapstick military comedy is back on DVD--and this time it's urban-assault-vehicle sized! When John Ringer (Bill Murray) quits his thankless job as a taxi driver and his woman leaves him and his car is repossessed, he convinces his buddy Harold Ramis to join the Army with him. You won't blame him once you get a look at the girl he's losing (Roberta Leighton (Picture: 1)). When she comes out of the bathroom in nothing but her panties, you'll drop your socks and grab your cocks faster than Sgt. Hulka can say "locker box inspection!" Rather than conforming to the rigid rules of the military, Bill and Harold quickly turn the Army base into their own frat house. When the two convince the rest of the unit to follow them to a bar, it quickly devolves--and elevates--into a drunken, orgiastic, mud-wrestling nirvana. Devastatingly sexy Dawn Clark and Susan Mechsner are the most prominent of a stable of mud-clad beauties who battle John Candy's Ox in the squared circle. Luckily our favorite lean, mean fighting machine ends up with two handfuls of bikini tops. Nameless and sometimes faceless breasts abound in this memorable bar sequence, but people often forget an equally ogle-worthy scene in which Company Commander John Larroquette has his eyes on some huge guns--in the ladies' shower! He spies on some large-breasted babes buffing their bountiful boobs and declares, "I wish I was a loofah!" This flick is a laugh riot, but there's nothing funny about how sexy these wet WACs are, covered in nothing but government-issue suds. You'll find yourself replaying these steamy memories to accompany your "overnight maneuvers".
D.E.B.S. (2004, Screen Gems)
In this Sapphic wet dream of a flick, schoolgirls are recruited as government-sponsored spies and assassins known as D.E.B.S. This secret sect is a regular hottie hoedown, featuring a crack cadre of cooze including Devon Aoki, Sara Foster, Meagan Good, and Kid Rock's real-life sister Jill Ritchie. Can you think of a better squad to battle the lesbian super-villainess Jordana Brewster, who captured one of the D.E.B.S. and is trying to turn her into her own personal bitch? Okay, fine, but let's say The Wu Tang Clan is busy that day. As far as skin goes, there's no actual nudity, but if it's torturous teen teasing and skintillating schoolgirl sexbombs you're after, you've hit the mother load. How do you spell blue balls? D.E.B.S.!
The Machinist (2004, Paramount)
Former American PsychoChristian Bale plays Trevor, the lathe operator referred to in this film's title. Trevor is slowly dying of insomnia and literally wasting away to nothing. To say that Christian had to lose a little weight for the role is almost like saying that Ben Affleck might need acting lessons. Christian's a damn skeleton, thanks to a sixty-three-pound weight loss. Luckily Jennifer Jason Leigh (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) appears to like her men "heroin chic". Jen has a couple of love scenes with Trevor, and even though it's been a long time since her graduation from Ridgemont High, Jen still isn't shy about showing her breasts. Luckily Trevor's clever enough to make sure his machinery is in perfect working order when Jennifer's looking to get lathed. This flick's a creepy, interesting ride with some good twists and turns. A word of advice, though: Before you pop in this DVD, eat a sandwich.
Blood Relic (2005, MTI Video)
In Blood Relic an escaped murderer is heading back to a hangar at his old Navy base to retrieve the hidden voodoo talisman that sent him on a killing spree twenty-two years earlier. Once the talisman is unearthed, a heaping helping of evil quickly ensues. That's bad news for the young staff members preparing the hangar for its transformation into a museum, but it's good news for us, as the evil usually coincides with toplessness. B-movie vet Debbie Rochon (Picture: 1) and nudecomer Kelly Ray (Picture: 1 - 2) fight boredom by playing a little strip poker. For those of you keeping score, Debbie wins and Kelly doffs her top, but good sport Debbie still flashes one breast for the embarrassed Kelly as a sort of a consolation--or booby--prize! Mouthwatering Melanie Rademaker (Picture: 1 - 2) is a sexy young thing who does the nasty with her boyfriend while the other gals are busy playing cards. The real flesh find of this movie, though, is the captivating Caitlin Saibins (Picture: 1 - 2). She's got the kind of soft puffies and round rump that a million midnight-movie rentals are made of. This fresh-faced fox has proclaimed herself Vermont's finest actress and model, and with her curvy credentials, we won't argue. Ms. Saibins actually has a lot in common with the voodoo talisman. Wherever the amulet--or Caitlin--goes, evil thoughts are sure to follow!
Out on June 14
Casino (1995, Universal Pictures)
Can you believe it's been ten years since Martin Scorsese's ode to high-roller chips and high-priced tits? Casino gets the rich treatment it deserves in this cleaned-up anniversary-edition DVD. Badass gambling genius Ace (Robert De Niro) is entrusted with the daily operation of the Mob's prized casino, but thanks to his hooker-cum-wife Ginger (Sharon Stone) (Picture: 1) Bobby D has a lot more to worry about than a few nerdy card-counting crooks. His best friend (Joe Pesci) is bada-banging Ginger on the side. Ms. Stone flashes a brief left nip while Joe slams her from behind, right before she gets injected with a little zupa de pesci. Millicent Sheridan (Picture: 1) provides some added skintillation as a high-priced call girl in the service of a congressman played by Dick Smothers. We're treated to a quick glance of Millie's smothering Tommyknockers and a heaping helping of heinie while she strips down in Dick's hotel room. This thoroughly MILFish Millie makes her own case for being named Dick Smothers!
A Dirty Shame (2004, Fine Line Features)
Crackpot visionary filmmaker John Waters has created a cinematic spew-niverse. Some of Waters's signature players turn up in his most recent offering, the NC-17-rated A Dirty Shame--such as Mink Stole and the original "careless heiress" Patty Hearst--but there's more traditional star power on hand too. Tracey Ullman plays a housewife who dumps her sexless marriage to Chris Isaak in favor of playing a wicked game with tow-truck driver Johnny Knoxville. Maybe this guy's not a jackass after all . . . This flick is infamous for featuring the super-humanly engorged funbags of Selma Blair (Picture: 1)! Yes, I'm kidding. But actually, as far as the film goes, no, I'm not kidding! To "bulk" up for the role of Tracy's go-go-dancer daughter, a double-G bra-proof bump-and-grinder who goes by the stage name of Ursula Udders, Ms. Blair strapped on some anatomically correct help in the form of fabulously fake floatation devices. Our favorite slim sexbomb is almost unrecognizable underneath all that sweater-meat--except for her beautiful face and smoldering eyes. The only dirty shame here is that Selma didn't get to keep her "wardrobe".
Prime Cut (1972, Key Video)
Cooler-than-cool Lee Marvin plays a mobster dispatched to Kansas City in order to muscle cattle rancher Gene Hackman. Gene traffics sex slaves, steamrolls the competition, and grinds his enemies into sausage--literally! There's some serious "prime cut" in the shape of the fittingly named Angel Tompkins, whom you might fondly remember as the "First Lady of the Evening" in Amazon Women on the Moon (1987). And inbred-chic actress Janit Baldwin shows off her pert peach pits. But the main attraction here is a young sex slave by the name of Poppy played by future Oscar winner Sissy Spacek. Long before she took home the gold for Coal Miner's Daughter (1980), little missy Sissy was coming off an exploitation turn in Andy Warhol's Trash (1970). Lucky for Sissy, Prime Cut vaulted her into the Hollywood mainstream and won her a star-making turn in Terrence Malick's Badlands (1973). Watching this movie is like dumping a bucket of pig's blood on your head.
Out on June 21
The Jacket (2005, Warner Bros. Pictures)
In this taut psychological thriller, the terminally underfed Adrien Brody plays a Gulf War vet who comes home, suffers amnesia, gets convicted of murder and declared insane, gets locked up in an asylum, strapped into a jacket, and slid into a morgue drawer, inside of which he takes trips into the future and foresees his own death in four day's time. After that, things get a little complicated. In between--or maybe during--Adrien's journeys into the future, he meets Keira Knightley (Picture: 1), who is undoubtedly the hottest drunk in the world. The first time Adrien meets her she was just a little girl, but after only a couple of trips in the morgue drawer Keira has grown up in all the right places. You can see for yourself during the tender love scene, where Keira puts down her bottle and grabs Adrien's pull-tab instead. We get some darkly lit but illuminating views of the Knightley knockers. One has to wonder if, during this feverish sex scene, Adrien was wearing his jacket.
