By Mike McPaddenTits the season for ho-ho-hotness on DVD. Rub your own red-nosed reindeer as you peruse Part One of our picks for this holiday's most skinful stocking stuffers on disc. That won't be a candy cane in your pants by the time you're through!
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DECEMBER 5, 2006
1900: 2-DISC COLLECTOR'S EDITION (1976)
STUDIO: Paramount Home Video
NUDES: Dominique Sanda (Picture: 1 - 2) (FFN), Stefania Casini (Picture: 1) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: Director Bernardo Bertolucci's 1900 follows Robert De Niro and Gerard Depardieu as two guys from different classes (one's a peasant, the other a landowner) in turn-of-the-century Italy on the brink of rising fascism. Stefania Casini and Dominique Sanda both get quite skinful. The uncut film is even more controversial. One deleted scene features a freaky threesome and another the graphic murder of a young gentleman at the hands of the fascists. 1900 was not a very good year, but there were some randy highlights.
20 CENTIMETERS (2005)
STUDIO: TLA Releasing
NUDES: M?a Cervera (FFN), Lola Due?/a (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Sometimes you can't top the Internet Movie Database when it comes to a plot description. Case in point--20 Centimeters, which imdb.com sums up thusly: "A narcoleptic transvestite who yearns to become a transsexual dreams up elaborate musical numbers in which she's the star." Bona fide female flesh lights up 20 Centimeters's inventive fantasies in the foxy form of M?a Cervera. So don't fear the he-she element on hand (and gland) here. M?a is all woman. And it shows!
BEERFEST: UNRATED EDITION (2006)
STUDIO: Warner Home Video
NUDES: Candace Smith (breasts), Sarah Figoten (breasts), Uncredited Actresses
THE SKINNY: Yuk-meister comedy troupe Broken Lizard follows up their previous big-screen hits Super Troopers (2001) and Club Dread (2004) with Beerfest and, true to form, they continue to deliver hooters along with the ha-has. Paul Soter and Erik Stolhanske play dimwit siblings dispatched to Germany's Oktoberfest in order to scatter their cremated grandfather's ashes. Once there, they stumble upon an age-old, top-secret drinking competition and rise to the challenge by lifting steins and standing their ground. As in real life, excessive alcohol consumption frequently brings with it copious female nudity, and on this front--actually it's many fronts--Beerfest serves one heady brew.
THE CONFORMIST: EXTENDED EDITION (1970)
STUDIO: Paramount Home Video
NUDES: Dominique Sanda (breasts), Stefania Sandrelli (Picture: 1) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: A treasure of Italian cinema, filmmaker Bernardo Bertolucci's masterpiece The Conformist showcases Jean-Louis Trintignant as a tightly wound outcast who turns to fascism and murder to bury his own secret shame. One of many themes examined by The Conformist is the connection between the lust for power and the lust for lust. Expect an intense, complex, long, and dense drama that is one of the most intellectual thrillers ever lensed. Also anticipate women of a beauty so ethereal as to conform to the standards of paradise.
DINOSAUR VALLEY GIRLS: MAMMOTH EDITION (1996)
STUDIO: Cinema Epoch
NUDES: Griffin Drew (breasts), Denise Ames (breasts), Donna Spangler (breasts)
THE SKINNY: To select as one's entertainment a motion picture titled Dinosaur Valley Girls is to hold certain inalienable expectations. You will want to see amusingly shoddy thunder lizards from prehistoric times. This movie delivers. You will want to see the cavewomen of the title. And you get them, too. Most importantly, you have the right to witness these Neanderthal-era knockouts in fur bikinis and other such skimpy attire--and out of it, too. Here is where Dinosaur Valley Girls truly shines. It'll put a saber tooth in your pants.
GETTING IT ON (1983)
STUDIO: Liberation Entertainment
NUDES: Kathy Brickmeier (Picture: 1) (breasts), Kim Saunders (Picture: 1) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Ah, the gratuitous glories of the teen sex '80s! One typical entrant in that delirious TA genre is the North-Carolina-lensed Getting It On. Martin Yost plays an enterprising high-school dude with a heavy crush on the knockout-next-door (Heather Kennedy), a bunch of video equipment, Kim Saunders as a friendly neighborhood hooker, and an enemy in the form of an overbearing principal (Charles King Bibby). There're ample scenes of babes getting naked in Getting It On, so get the DVD and get yourself off, Reagan-era-style!
JOYSTICKS (1983)
STUDIO: Genius Products
NUDES: Kym Malin (Picture: 1) (breasts), Erin Halligan (FFN), Kim G. Michel (Picture: 1) (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Among the ranks of the iconic 1980s teen sex comedies, there are several levels. There are the classy giants of the genre (Risky Business, Fast Times at Ridgemont High), there are the larger-than-lust raunch-fests (Porky's, The Last American Virgin), and then there are the over-the-top(less), TA-flick equivalents of mental patients (Screwballs, Zapped!). It is into that last category that the arcade-set romp Joysticks fits like the titular controller in the skilled mitt of King Vidiot (Jon Gries). Joe Don Baker plays a corrupt councilman attempting to shut down a Space Invaders parlor when he decides his daughter (Corinne Bohrer) is falling under foul influences there. Our heroes include a nice guy (Scott McGinnis), a nerd (Leif Green), and a funny fat bastard (Jim Greenleaf), and their adventures en route to saving their hangout include an all-girl, no-shirt video-game competition. Joysticks sets a high score of mid-'80s adolescent uproariousness.
MIAMI VICE: UNRATED DIRECTOR'S CUT (2006)
STUDIO: Universal Home Video
NUDES: Naomie Harris (butt), Gong Li (right breast)
THE SKINNY: Crockett and Tubbs, the TV cops played respectively by Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas on the ?-'80s NBC series Miami Vice, return in big-screen form in this 2006 blockbuster of the same name. This time, South Florida's most sharp-dressed gumshoes are embodied by Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx, and they battle both white supremacists and a Colombian drug lord (Luis Tosar) amidst all the neon-soaked, thong-bedecked scenery. The movie's flesh factor takes on a skinternational tone by exposing both hometown babe Naomie Harris and Chinese super-siren Gong Li. That sort of Vice couldn't be more nice.
TRACKS (1976)
STUDIO: Paramount Home Video
NUDE: Taryn Power (breasts)
THE SKINNY: Dennis Hopper portrays a Vietnam vet accompanying the body of a fallen combat buddy on a cross-country train journey in Tracks. Along the way, he experiences terrifying flashbacks, crippling paranoia, and, fortunately, the affections of a hippie chick played by Taryn Power (daughter of Hollywood legend Tyrone Power). When Taryn gets to sharin' her Power-ful pair, Tracks may as well be titled Stacks.
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DECEMBER 12, 2006
COLDITZ (2005)
STUDIO: MTI Home Video
NUDE: Sophia Myles (Picture: 1) (left breast)
THE SKINNY: In the made-for-TV drama Colditz, Tom Hardy plays a British soldier held in the infamous World War II prison camp of the title who plans his escape once he learns that a former inmate (Damian Lewis) is making time back in London with Hardy's fianc? Once you realize that the female prize in question is embodied by delectable British eyeful Sophia Myles (of Art School Confidential), you'll understand Hardy's ambitions. Sophia bares her left love pillow, and that will leave you Myles long.
SOLDIER BLUE (1970)
STUDIO: Lions Gate
NUDE: Candice Bergen (Picture: 1) (butt)
THE SKINNY: Advertisements for the initial 1970 release of Soldier Blue posed a question: "Why does Soldier Blue show, in the most graphic way possible, the savage slaughter of American Indians by American soldiers? Because it's true and now more than ever is the time for truth." Heavy stuff. Sort of . . . intriguing too, huh? Peter Strauss plays a U.S. cavalry officer who lives through an Indian attack and struggles to return to his fort with another survivor, Candice Bergen, as a white woman who once lived with the Cheyenne tribe. The couple's arrival to safety ignites a vengeance campaign against the Indians and that's when all that aforementioned not-nice stuff goes down. Controversial in its day, Soldier Blue still packs a powerful whallop. Hold on to your peace pipe.
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DECEMBER 19, 2006
AGNES AND HIS BROTHERS (2004)
STUDIO: First Run Features
NUDES: Katja Riemann (Picture: 1) (bush), Susan Anbeh (Picture: 1) (breasts, butt)
THE SKINNY: The Agnes of the German arthouse hit Agnes and His Brothers is a put-upon shemale portrayed by Martin Wei?/b. The older brother (Herbert Knaup) is a stuffy Green Party worker in a loveless marriage, while the youngest (Moritz Bleibtreu) is a peeping tom. The movie examines the sexual, emotional, and psychological development in witty, energized style, aided immensely by naked turns by natural women Katja Riemann and Susan Anbeh. Oh, Brothers!
GABRIELLE (2005)
STUDIO: Wellspring Media
NUDE: Isabelle Huppert (FFN)
THE SKINNY: Veteran French dish Isabelle Huppert proves that she's as lip-smackingly lust-inducing as ever in the acclaimed 2005 skinternational period piece Gabrielle. Taking on the title role as a well-to-do married woman in 1912 Paris, Isabelle takes off her fancy outfits repeatedly, turning what might have been a talky adaptation of a Joseph Conrad novella about a dissolving marriage into a flesh-fest of special interest to those devoted to awesomely mature European beauty.
THERE WAS A CROOKED MAN (1970)
STUDIO: Warner Home Video
NUDES: Jeanne Cooper (Picture: 1) (left breast), Pamela Hensley (Picture: 1) (left breast)
THE SKINNY: It's crusty tough guys galore in filmmaker Joseph L. Mankiewicz's revisionist western There Was a Crooked Man. Kirk Douglas, Henry Fonda, Warren Oates, and Burgess Meredith star in this mostly prison-set adventure that revolves around stolen gold hidden in a pit of rattle snakes. Despite the additional presence of Alan Hale Jr. (that's right: Skipper from Gilligan's Island) and all the close-quartered males, Jeanne Cooper and Pamela Hensley turn up and peel down. They'll leave you anything but Crooked, man.
