We would tell you to buckle up for this last chapter in our SKIN-depth look at visionary action B-Movie director and prolific nudity auteur, Andy Sidaris, but from the looks of the last 8 movies we discussed in Part 1 and Part 2, seatbelts were only getting in the way of clothes coming off! As we combed through and watched all of the catalog of his Malibu Bay films in order, there truly is something to be said about efficiency of filmmaking through the eyes of Andy Sidaris.
Using locations he knew like the back of his hand, keeping the same actors around and recasting them in different roles, keeping the budget under $500,000 while using less than 50,000 feet of film for an entire feature length project. The latter proving to be the most impressive thing we uncovered about Andy and Arlene Sidaris (his wife and the brains behind the business side of it all!). Back in the days of using actual film, some directors would have shooting ratios upwards of 100:1 (meaning they would use 100X the film stock to the 1 take they used in the final cut).
Andy though, maybe because of his years working in the live television/sports world, could pretty much edit on the fly in his head, so he could keep his shooting ratio under 5:1 for everything! That is a pretty impressive fact and makes us wonder what this legend could do with a digital camera, modern CGI/editing techniques, and half a million smackers in his pocket!
In a 2002 interview, Andy and Arlene gave everyone a little insight into how they turn 15 cents into a couple of dollars too, which is brilliant and should be taught in film school (even if they didn't invent it, they mastered it to produce 12 films on smaller budgets!). In the early days of Malibu Bay, they would go pre-sell enough of the project in foreign markets to basically make their entire budget, so when they had their deals distributed through the U.S., Canada, and the premium channels, that was all profit! This is the same business model employed by Cannon Films in the 80s.
Then he had another smart idea when getting television and Pay-Per-View distribution through Warner Brothers, he would shoot two versions of the same sex scenes. One showing these busty Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets as naked as you want to see them in all their glory. Then in the next, zoom that camera in a bit, shoot the same scene with just perfectly framed cleavage, Venus dimples instead of actual buns, or maybe just some above the waistline grinding, then lay the same audio track over it... Blammo, the audio matches up, and now he has an R-rated version for Pay-Per-View and a G-Rated version for late night on TNT!
This technique also explains why there isn't much cursing in his movies over the years, so it'll play on basic cable. It's beyond brilliant to repackage the same film for multiple platforms and audiences, but even more brilliant to do it to expand visibility on your work. He's threading the needle of loopholes like a true Guerrilla filmmaker!
This style of filmmaking definitely shines through in Malibu Bay's last 4 features under Andy and family which kicked off with two projects in 1993, his first features since 1991's Pat Morita led Do or Die and really the last two movies that had a familiar core of actors/actresses from his previous flicks with playmates Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez, and Cynthia Brimhall all returning, as well as Ava Cadell to round out the good gals of L.E.T.H.A.L.! But like Andy says, the good guys never stay good, and the bad guys never stay bad!
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Hard Hunted (1993)
After 8 feature length films about espionage, world-ending future technology, huge explosions, and even bigger breasts, it's almost like screenplay mad-libs by 1993's Hard Hunted, where you can easily fill in the blanks yourself at times. Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez), uncover a plot to smuggle a "Blank" by the evil crime lord, "Blank" (played by a bankable enough star), who comes from "Blank" country, and plans to destroy the U.S.A. by "Blank" unless the ladies of L.E.T.H.A.L. can get there first and "Blank" the "Blank". Of course this is a massive over-simplification, but let's try it out...
—Donna and Nicole uncover a plot to smuggle a nuclear trigger hidden in a jade buddha figurine by the evil crime boss Kane (Roger Moore's real-life son R.J. Moore, taking over for Pat Morita) from England, and his plans to destroy America, (well... Hawaii) by nuclear destruction, unless the ladies of L.E.T.H.A.L. can stop him from triggering the jade buddha device and having global domination!—
It's definitely not far off from being the exact plot of the movie, but Hard Hunted actually adds in some spicy new details and twists and turns that'll definitely keep you guessing. For example, Kane kills one of their spies Mika (Mika Quintard) by sending his henchman in a custom built stealth Gyrocopter (a decked out version of the Bumble Bee gyrocopters of the 1980s), then manages to kidnap Donna to kill her (not before explaining his plans of course!).
The only problem is, Donna kills her would-be assassin, parachutes to safety, bangs her head and now has amnesia for the second half, not sure who the good guys or bad guys are! It gets especially confusing for our lead L.E.T.H.A.L. lady when she is picked up by Pico (Rodrigo Obergón) and his Guerrilla fighters, who are also in alliance with Kane!
The entire movie is a fistfight on top of a bar brawl, nestled in a tussle of top notch titties with just enough variations to make it an original and proper sequel to Do or Die! We definitely have a million questions we'd like answered, like why didn't Pat Morita revisit his role of Kane? Why is Geoffrey Moore going by R.J. Moore in this movie? And does that crazy gyrocopter covered in missiles still exist somewhere?!?
Hard Hunted does come in with some amazing new ladies in the Sidaris-verse like the marvelous Mika Quintard, AND the former Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling alum and Van Halen video vixen Becky Mullen both making their Nude-Comer debuts! Also, we get to see returning nude scenes from Speir and Vasquez, Carolyn Liu (reprising her role of Silk, Kane's cohort in crime, now a double agent!), Ava Cadell, and Cynthia Brimhall!
It's 14 boobies in total with 8 nude scenes between all these lovelies. The only misstep in this chapter is that stars Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez don't actually get naked until after an hour and twenty minutes in. In return though, we do get to see a hot lingerie make out session between the two asian hotties on board, Mika Quintard and Carolyn Liu, during the opening credits. We also get to see some exploding high heels take out a hovercraft, so it's definitely some give and take on the ol' quality spectrum, but Hard is an appropriate word to throw in the title, considering the 7 leading ladies all get proper naked in this chapter!
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Fit to Kill (1993)
A direct sequel to Hard Hunted, you can probably take a moment or two right away to see some continuity issues from the last one, but then you'd probably not be having fun watching Andy Sidaris movies and we won't invite you over to watch them with us. This one drops us off in what we can only assume is a long enough time for the L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies to remember WHO the main villain Kane (R.J. Moore) is, but as Donna (Dona Speir) puts it "Kane?!? That bastard tried to have us killed!", so the events of the last movie are far enough in the past that it's only a vague recollection of his intent to murder them. Which seems odd at first glance because the last scene in Hard Hunted was Kane on a boat getting away and his plot not quite foiled.
Anyway, we are still right with the ladies and their new assignment, despite a bit of amnesia on their previous task at hand. This go around they are now hired to run security for Japanese businessman, Chang (Aki Aleong), and his priceless Russian diamond, The Alexa Stone, which was stolen by those Nazi bastards during World War II. Chang plans to give the diamond back to the people of Russia to live in a museum, where it rightfully belongs, as they recover from the collapse of communism (1993, so still pretty fresh). The only snag is that Kane and his lethal lady assassin, Blu Steele (Julie Strain), steal the stone at the gala dinner handoff! Now what started as a security detail is now a cross continent, island hopping hunt for the diamond.
As with all his movies, there are bumbling assassins, botching hits left and right. Multiple groups of bad guys trying to get their meat hooks on the prized possession. Huge breasted heroes using gigantic weapons to get the job done. Explosions, explosions, explosions... And of course, more softcore skintillating hook-ups than you can possibly handle. Then, of course, the strategic use of remote controlled helicopters saves the day and all is right in the USA and Russia? Well, we guess we'll take the international handshake of good will diamond hunting and bad guy blowing up as the ultimate sign of communism collapsing in the Soviet Union.
Fit to Kill almost seems to mark the handoff from Andy's long running leading lady, Dona Speir over to his new "muse", 90's B-movie queen and absolutely stunning amazon woman Julie Strain, who was the Penthouse Pet of the Month in June of 1991 and shortly after the release of this flick, named Penthouse Pet of the Year 1993.
Fit to Kill also marked the last movie that both Dona Speir AND Roberta Vasquez EVER did (at least to date), so this was their swan song project and the last time you get to see those amazing boobies projected up on the big screen, or well, in reality, on the TV after everyone went to bed.
Also returning with nude scenes are the same familiar faces in Ava Cadell, Carolyn Liu, and Cynthia Brimhall who all come in with more topless good times. Julie Strain is the big name entering into the Sidaris-verse in this one, but for our money, it's Playboy alum Sandra Wild stealing the show with her first two nude scenes in her first and ONLY entry into Andy's world. Sandra is not just a Playboy Playmate but was also the busty blonde beauty on the cover of ZZ Top's Greatest Hits album!
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Day of the Warrior (1996)
Now we're not exactly SAYING that Tom Cruise and the entire Mission:Impossible film franchise borrowed their ideas from Andy Sidaris' Day of the Warrior (1996), but if you look at the release dates of the films, Andy beat them by a nose for two shockingly similar plots. Let's just chalk it up to a "chicken or the egg" argument as to who came up with the bones of this story first, right?
So we are now about 2 years and some change removed from our last adventure with the L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies and we are looking at the next iteration of eye candy within the ranks. Gone are the days of Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir), Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), and even Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) leading the charge. The new commander of the crew is none other than Willow Black (Julie Strain, as an entirely different character from her last Sidaris role, now the hero!) and her menagerie of animal named secret agents, stopping bad guys all over the globe. Her top two secret agents are Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Tiger (Shae Marks), backed up by the seemingly always undercover Scorpion (Tammy Parks).
Now here is where our Cruise and the M:Impossible comparisons will start... An evil ex-CIA operative/spy, code name Warrior (Ex-WCW wrestler, Marcus "Buff" Bagwell), hacks into the L.E.T.H.A.L. agency headquarter's computer mainframe, stealing the list of all the agents true identities to sell onto the black market. You see, The Warrior is no longer on the good guy's side, he turned heel and is now a multi-level entrepreneurial terrorist, arms dealer, and known pornographer (gasp!).
Now the plot to 1996's Mission:Impossible has a double agent stealing the "NOC" list, containing the identities of every undercover agent and operative in the world! So this double agent is going to sell this list to the highest bidder and Cruise has to stop them; add in explosions, helicopters chasing trains, a mega-star from the 70s as the bad guy (Jon Voight), a genre master director in Brian De Palma, and one of the most memorable hanging from a ceiling scenes in history, blammo, you basically have a $100 million dollar Andy Sidaris picture without the beautiful locales of Molokai and considerably less boobs.
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Anyway, back to the plot of Andy's flick. So Willow Black has to get her agents identities back under wraps and this is going to involve seduction, explosions, remote controlled helicopters, undercover porn shoots, and some big ass guns to crush Warrior's network of criminal enterprises before Willow, Cobra, Tiger, Scorpion, and Shark are all hunted down and killed by, (you guessed it) some bumbling hitmen for hire.
From the looks of the updated L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies team, we can only assume that the recast was meant to bring in even bustier babes now that we're in the latter half of the 90s. Shae Marks (Playmate of the Month, May 1993) makes her first foray in Andy's films, as does Playboy Penthouse alum Julie K. Smith (Pet of the Month, February 1993). Also along for the nudity is Raye Hollitt (former American Gladiator Zap!), Tammy Parks (Penthouse Centerfold turned legit porn star), and Christiva Turner uttering the best line of the movie. When the bumbling hit men ask her what her GPA is, she simply responds "38-24-34" then shows her boobs!
Also, watch out for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle creator and Julie Strain's then-husband, Kevin Eastman, making a cameo as "Harry".
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L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach (1998)
Ah, the sweet swan song of the topless auteur stops here with 1998's L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach. Just like 1989's Savage Beach, we are back on board for a good old fashioned treasure hunt and Rodrigo Obregón reprising his role as the bad guy, Martinez, but this time sporting a "Phantom of the Opera" style mask to cover up the face burns he sustained from being blown up in 1989. There are a TON of callbacks to Savage Beach (1989), so this is almost like a revisit or pseudo sequel, but with the new cast of busty babes that replaced the original ladies from 9 years prior.
So Martinez has his sexy henchwoman, Sofia (Carrie Westcott, Playmate of the Month, Sept. 1993), slip into their HQ as a fake pizza delivery babe on rollerblades bringing drugged pizza to the agency's offices, knocking out everyone. There she grabs a floppy disk with the whereabouts of the Savage Island treasure, and they set off to get it before anyone else does! Of course, commander Willow Black (Julie Strain), Tiger (Shae Marks), Cobra (Julie K. Smith), and the non-nude scene returns of Ava (Ava Cadell) and Silk (Carolyn Liu) are planning on getting the treasure before Martinez, then taking him out!
Of course, there are added layers of espionage and intrigue with the launching of a new satellite to pinpoint terrorist activities, plenty of big gun smuggling that leads to a boat and jet ski chase. Another twist is Marcus “Buff” Bagwell as Warrior, who is now a good guy? Turns out the guy he murdered and was arrested for at the end of Day of the Warrior was in fact a serial killer, prowling college campuses in the southwest US, and the government gave him a reward? So the returning wrestler went “heel” then turns back into a “babyface”! Also, there are a staggering number of ninjas popping out of hiding places and just getting their asses handed to them by the good guys.
Well, it almost goes without saying at this point, they foil the plot, Sofia (Carrie Westcott), ends up being a Interpol double agent, they stop the giant bomb from blowing up Savage Beach with only .04 seconds to spare, plenty of bad guys meet their doom from remote controlled vehicles, and the ladies of L.E.T.H.A.L. all spend a good portion of the film nude!Julie Strain, Shae Marks, Julie K. Smith, and Carrie Westcott share a whopping 12 nude scenes.
So in conclusion, what else is there to say about the films of Andy Sidaris that hasn’t already been said. The man produced and directed 12 films that might not have won awards, but have lived on as a bizarre slice of sexual premium channel Americana that encapsulates 1970s/80s/90s action films better than most. Sadly though, shortly after his 12th and final film, Andy was in declining health as he was diagnosed with throat cancer and could no longer make movies. In 2003, Andy published a book summarizing his films entitled "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes: The Films of Andy Sidaris", which you can still find on shelves.
On March 7th, 2007 he passed away in Beverly Hills at 76 years old. Rumor has it that he had a few more projects in pre-production upon his death, so we’d like to encourage anyone out there with a spec-script in homage to Sidaris-Verse, step on up, budget accordingly for plenty of remote controlled explosions, and dusty off your Playboy connections because you just don’t see movies like this anymore! There are plenty of streaming services, cable channels, out of work wrestlers, and busty beauties willing to get topless to make a damn similar product, but you still probably wouldn’t get the spices right, so to speak… That’s why there was only one Andy Sidaris.
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