Pt. 1: The Big Three Networks
By J.R. Taylor
Another season's almost gone, and maybe you're already dreading the end of summer and the start of fall. If that's the case, you haven't been paying attention to the new network fall TV schedules. There are plenty of gorgeous gals coming to your living room. Mr. Skin is already getting hot in anticipation--and you will be, too, as we begin our look ahead with the original Big Three networks.
The CBS eye is about to give us a case of the hoppin'-poppin' eyeballs with this year's line of small-screen skinsations, including:
How I Met Your Mother
All of Josh Radnor's friends are settling down, so he's looking for true love--and who can blame him, when his pals are scoring with quirky sexbombs such as Alyson Hannigan. The former lesbianic Buffy the Vampire Slayer sidekick is back on the small screen, and her turn as American Pie's sweet nympho would get anyone yearning for an American Wedding.
Out of Practice
This situation comedy revolves around a psychiatrist who informally treats his neurotic family full of medical doctors--and it's especially impressive that he doesn't have an Oedipus complex over mom Stockard Channing (Picture: 1). This poor sap must've missed her sexy turns in films such as The Fortune (1975) and Sweet Revenge (1977). The shrink's also stuck with stunning sister Paula Marshall (Picture: 1), as an ER doctor addicted to adrenaline. She certainly got our blood rushing when Paula showed off her private practices in The New Age (1994).
Criminal Minds
The title of Profiler had been taken, so here's the latest moniker for a series about FBI agents probing the bad-guy psyche. You don't need to be a crime solver to deduce why skin sleuths are tuning in, though. We've been on the trail of Lola Glaudini (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) ever since her start on NYPD Blue--although she's now best known as the hot undercover Fed who infiltrated the mob on The Sopranos. And it's criminal that Lola isn't the proper star of this show after that lesbian shower scene in Consequence (2003).
Ghost Whisperer
Garfield featured plenty of pussy, but the movie couldn't save Jennifer Love Hewitt (Picture: 1) from returning to the small screen. She stars as a young newlywed endowed with three special gifts--the third being an ability to communicate with the dead while solving mysteries. Maybe some lucky stiff will explain the mystery of how we got to get stiff with Jennifer's slip o' the nip in The Tuxedo (2002). The show also offers some black magic with Aisha Tyler (Picture: 1), although we preferred when she could conjure up her ass on F/X's Nip/Tuck. Will we still be watching? There's a Ouija giving us a wedgie as it schwings up to reveal: YES!
Threshold
Mars needs women, and Carla Gugino (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) will have her hands--and other things--full after those extraterrestrials get a load of her earthly pleasures. Actually, we're not sure about the origins of the aliens on this sci-fi series. Nobody is, which is why Carla heads up a government team trying to figure out what crawled out of an abandoned flying saucer. It's most likely denizens of some planet with a satellite dish, and they've tickled their tendrils over Carla's cans in Judas Kiss (1998) and Sin City (2005).
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They went into the 2004 season in last place, but ABC became a real contender with Lost and Desperate Housewives. And what does each of those series offer? The same kind of hot babes that the network's using to pack their new season with pleasure:
Emily's Reasons Why Not
This year's most promising show has Heather Graham (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4)--and us--coming in our living room! It's sad to see Heather's big-screen career stalling enough for her to show up in a sitcom. The good news is that she's playing a single gal looking to eliminate various Mr. Wrongs via her special list of reasons. Hopefully that checklist will include a routine bedding--although nothing to compare with Boogie Nights (1997) and Heather's kinky sex scenes in Killing Me Softly (2002).
Commander-in-Chief
It's The West Wing on endorphins as Geena Davis (Picture: ) steps in to be the first female President of the United States--not counting Patty Duke, who played the same role for ABC on the 1985 series Hail to the Chief. Anyway, it's Geena's second bid at small-screen success. We're still waiting for a big-screen comeback, though, since she still hasn't shown off her towering titties, Until then, we're happy to cover our new President's rear, as seen in Thelma & Louise (1991).
Freddie
What we want is a reality series where Freddie Prinze Jr. sneaks a camera into the bedroom he shares with Sarah Michelle Gellar. What we get is a sitcom about a guy who lets way too many female relatives invade his bachelor pad. Fortunately the parade of pretties includes former NYPD Blue beauty Jacqueline Obradors, best known for ogling Rob Schneider in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999). This series is also a comeback bid for M?hen Amick (Picture: 1 - 2), returning to television after the 1998 remake of Fantasy Island--although she really became our fantasy with her dreamy undressing in Dream Lover (1994).
Invasion
What's the first sign of alien activity in this new sci-fi show? Local doctor Kari Matchett is found wandering nude in the aftermath of a hurricane. Now those are our kind of aliens! This series follows a small Florida town struggling with extraterrestrial visitors, but we're more impressed with our local gals--including Alexis Dziena, fresh from stirring up the big screen with some full-frontal flashing in Broken Flowers (2005). Aisha Hinds (Picture: 1) also shows up to represent Earth in stunning style, although we'll miss her showing off her hind on The Shield.
Night Stalker
The classic '70s show gets retooled, with the character of reporter Carl Kolchak now pursuing the supernatural beings who killed his wife. It's really more of a retooling of The X Files--thankfully, right down to the gorgeous and skeptical female partner. Gabrielle Union (Picture: 1 - 2) provides the sexual tension, and that's no horror to us. We'd been stalking this young actress in films such as She's All That (1999) and Bring It On (2000) until she got our own stalk waving with a slip of the nip in Bad Boys II (2003).
Hot Properties
After scoring with Desperate Housewives, ABC tries to give us Desperate Real Estate Agents--although the sitcom sounds more like Designing Women. We'd still buy a spread from Gail O'Grady (Picture: 1) as the owner of the real estate firm that hires Nicole Sullivan and Sofia Vergara (Picture: 1). Nicole's been a good girl during her days as a square on both Hollywood Squares and The King of Queens. At least Gail has been a busty bad-girl fave ever since her days on NYPD Blue. Sof?s overdue for a real breakout, though, playing a sexy Spanish divorc?who just dumped her gay husband of ten years. We'll try to suspend disbelief, since it sure looked like Sof?was packing the cure while modeling lingerie in Big Trouble (2002) and Chasing Papi (2003).
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Once-mighty NBC continues to flounder and concentrates on reality shows to save their stations. Too bad that Three Wishes won't allow us our fondest wish with host Amy Grant. We'd also rather watch I Want to Bed a Hilton than any show about being one. The network still manages to pull out some stunning star power that'll get us pulling on more than our remotes:
My Name is Earl
After a series of big-screen bombs, underrated Jason Lee headlines his own show as a lowlife trying to turn his life around after winning the lottery. He shouldn't be in too big of a hurry, though, since his humble surroundings include the luscious Jaime Pressly (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3)--who paid off in her own lustful lottery back with Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction (1997) before stiffing us with teasing turns in Tomcats (2001) and Not Another Teen Movie (2001).
Surface
There's going to be a monster surfacing from our zipper while this sci-fi series follows the discovery of some strange new sea life. The sprawling cast includes the aptly named Lake Bell (Picture: 1), who's prompted fantasies of diving into her ever since we ogled her buoyant bosom in Slammed (2001). We'll also be plunging the depths of our Dockers over the presence of Leighton Meester (Picture: 1), a missus who's gotten us splashing after her turns on failed shows such as Tarzan and North Shore.
E-Ring
There's a lot of intrigue amongst the five corners of The Pentagon, with Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper headlining the action in this military drama. Meanwhile, our tent will run up a flagpole for supporting actress Aunjanue Ellis (Picture: 1), demoted to the small screen despite sexy showcases in Undercover Brother (2002) and Ray (2004). Our slacks will also be saluting Kelsey Oldershaw (Picture: 1 - 2), who's been a skinsation ever since her turn out of uniform in The Affair (2003). And the show becomes a five-star flesh feast with the addition of Kelly Rutherford (Picture: 1). The former soap star has been bubbling under for way too long, although she got us bubbling over with her sex scene in the indie Angels Don't Sleep Here (2000).
Inconceivable
Having trouble conceiving your child? Just pay a visit to this clinic. Skip the treatments and drama and try ogling a cast that includes the amazing Ming-Na Wen (Picture: 1). That'll get your testicles humming--although you'll get the same result checking her own baby nursers in One Night Stand (1997). Joelle Carter (Picture: 1) will also get your crotch in a creative mood, as Mr. Skin's patients learned with a look at her sexy turn in Swimming (2000). And there's also Mary Catherine Garrison, whose precious posings are a surefire prescription for gushings of joy--as seen when she showed off her precious buds in Flowers (2002).
Next Week: The ladies of FOX, UPN, and The WB!
