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“Every year, National Donut Day is celebrated on the first Friday in June,” observes Perfect Imprints.com. “It is a day to celebrate the deliciousness that is the donut.”
Adds Days of the Year.com: “Everyone loves donuts—there’s something about that delicious deep-fried treat that brings a smile to everyone’s face.” And even when they’re not smiling, there’s still a lot to lick !
The holiday traces its origins all the way back to the First World War, when a young medic named Samuel Pett sought to brighten the day of wounded soldiers he was treating by buying 8 dozen doughnuts {the only spelling then} and giving one to each patient he attended. When he left one with Lt. General Samuel Geary, the officer organized a fundraiser with the Salvation Army—which resulted in lissome “Lassies” serving soldiers doughnuts in “huts” set up in bombed-out buildings, such as this one in 1918:
Some even trace the nickname “Doughboy” for U.S. infantry in WWI back to this practice. To honor their service, Chicago’s Salvation Army established National Doughnut Day on the 20th anniversary of the effort in 1938, as a way to raise funds for the impending conflict in Europe {an annual fundraiser is still held in Chicago on Doughnut Day}. Once America entered the Second World War, freshly baked goods could not be shipped from bakeries in Nazi-occupied France, so Salvation Army volunteers made them on the front lines as bombs rained down around them.
The American Red Cross soon signed on…and the babes in arms became known as “Doughnut Dollies.”
Following the War, when Massachusetts manufacturer Dunkin’ Donuts began taking off in the early 1950s, their shortened spelling replaced “doughnuts” in a flash and still predominates today!
The tasty treat had taken hold in the U.S. in the mid-1800s, when a genius named Hanson Gregory tired of the “uncooked centers” of “greasy fried pastries’ and abruptly punched a hole in the middle with a tin pepper mill. Thus, subsequent centuries of sexual innuendo were born…
Even inanimate Homer Simpson—called ‘the greatest evangelist of donuts in the known world’—has debated out loud: “Mmmm…Should I eat donuts or have sex with Marge?” On this holiday, it appears, she has ways of wooing him to bed!
“It’s an age-old question: If you could only pick one,” asked Your Tango.com in Dec. 2015, “would you pick Sex or Donuts?” The blog assigned one female and one male staffer to decide, with the caveat: “It’s a debate between pleasure and even greater pleasure, depending on your perspective. Both have their own unique merits and dark, sticky unfortunate sides.”
They broke the battle into 7 categories: Health {Sex burns calories, donuts add them}; Cleanliness {Donuts won}; Pleasure {Sex, barely}; Sleep {your partner never wakes you up to eat a Donut}; Shame {Sex, in a romp}; Privacy {you’re encouraged to eat Donuts in public}; and Variety {Sex by a nose, though Donuts have developed their own kind of Kama Sutra}.
Concluded fried-fritter fan and debater Joanna Schroeder: “I’ve had frosting all over my mouth. I’ve had sprinkles stuck in my bra. I’ve arrived at work with crumbs in my hair. But I’ve never, ever had to take a shower after eating a donut. And, as a woman I have to point out that not all sexual encounters guarantee us an orgasm. But every encounter with a donut guarantees me that deep, profound, mind-blowing taste explosion.”
Cosmopolitan magazine paid lip service to that feeling by offering this ‘Sex Tip’ for Valentine’s Day 2014: “Slip a glazed donut around his penis and nibble it off.”
Prompting contributor Krista McHarden to put that tip to a taste test: “I love trying new things! And I love donuts! Win/win,” she reported. “It makes perfect sense, though. That hole. All that glaze.”
“Putting a donut on your boyfriend’s dick is suuuuper fun,” Krista concluded. “From then on, it was basically a regular blowie with a donut in the way. Tasty lube!”
The practice has now become ‘The New Foreplay,’ according to Nerve.com, which raved, “Of course it makes perfect sense! It’s a combination of thetwo best things in the world: oral sex and pastry.” Which Voodoo Doughnut Shop in Portland, Oregon has taken to its logical X•treme with its bestselling biscuit called ‘Cock-N-Balls Doughnut’—actually reviewed on Yelp and sampled and shared by Danielle E.
Indeed, numerous nymphs have now posted pics of the act, which has become so popular that one porn site lists 171 separate “Donut Sex” videos, while the Urban Dictionary has an oft-viewed definition for “Donut Lick.”
But nothing could prepare us for the graphic shown on NBC Affiliate Channel WAGT in Augusta, Georgia during a report on Krispy Kreme’s new healthy Wheat Donut. As a comely correspondent voiced the virtues of the whole-wheat treat, the camera zoomed in…
No doubt a staffer had hastily done a search of Google Images and found this meme that appeared on the first page of Results:
And in case you think this is just an “Urban Legend,’ here’s a brief video of the broadcast blooper:
Kinda gives new meaning to the phrase ‘Cream Filling,’ huh?
Now that you’ve worked up an appetite, may we present our Ten Topping “Ladies of the Rings,” in tribute to the delicious deity that Stephen Colbert called: “The Doughnut God, lord of all things cylindrical and tasty.”
Last July Fourth our first female ‘fritter fellatrix’ was caught on closed-circuit camera tonguing two offerings at Wolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, California—in between making out with her backup-dancer boyfriend.
When a fresh tray was placed on the counter, Disney darling Ariana Grande was heard to mutter: “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America!” Then she is seen licking the icing on a pair of pastries—causing horrified headlines nationwide.
“She was really rude,” commented cashier Mayra Solis, even after Grande grudgingly was “sorry for what I said in a private moment with my friend. I apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.” {Why do they always say that?}
Her tween fans weren’t offended in the least…and in fact began posting hundreds of “donut-licking selfies with the hashtag #Lick Donuts with Ari.” As its Instagram account announced: “If she licks we ALL LICK with her.”
Sounds like food for thought …
1. ARIANA GRANDE
Similarly, our second ‘sugar-sucker’ spawned a T-shirt playing off husband Jay Z’s street credo:
Seeing the massive mound in Queen Bee’s protruding post, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’…
2. BEYONCÉ
3. GISELE BUNDCHEN -- did she ‘deflate’ husband Tom Brady’s ‘donut’?
4. MADONNA – was fired from first job at Dunkin’ Donuts for ‘squirting jelly at a customer’
5. ANNALYNNE McCORD -- does she treat her fella like that cruller?
6. COBIE SMULDERS
7. FRANCES McDORMAND -- couldn't Fargo a whole bag of Krispy Kremes
8. RITA ORA
9. CHRISSY TEIGEN -- we'll take hers with 'sprinkles'
10. EMILY RATAJKOWSKI
We’d normally END there…but in reality, since new regulations mandate some reference to a Kardashian in every article, the similarity between Kim K’s oiled can and the conjunction of Krispy Kremes deserves Konsideration.
Hope we haven’t left you glazed and confused ...
