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“Mark your calendars,” advises EventBrite.com, “because the Häagen-Dazs brand, known for its rich super-premium ice cream, is hosting is annual FREE CONE DAY celebration where guests will be able to order one free scoop on Tuesday, May 10, 2016, from 4-8 p.m. at all participating shops in the United States.” Sleuth doubles down on their promotion, by offering up two full scoops…with sprinkles!
When Dan Aykroyd conceived the Coneheads for a one-time sketch on Saturday Night Live in January 1977, it would have seemed alien to suggest his far-out family {“from France”} would still be popular today…and his tumescent cone an object of lust for the likes of Pam Anderson!
“We look forward to Free Cone Day all year,” announced Adam Hansen, the President of Häagen-Dazs—a “Danish sounding” name that was actually made up by Polish-born Reuben Mattus “as a tribute to Denmark’s exemplary treatment” of his fellow Jews during World War II. His daughter Doris recalls Dad sitting “at the kitchen table in Brooklyn for hours saying nonsensical words until he came up with a combination he liked.”
One combination everyone seems to like is the oral implication of cone and head…with the link often used in tasty ads and photos that leave little doubt about the dirty deed depicted!
“The perfect oral sex technique,” advises no less an authority than Cosmopolitan magazine in its recent ‘101 Sex Tricks to Try Before You Die,’ is to “pretend his hard-on is an ice cream cone that’s melting quickly. You have to keep licking at different angles, swirling the melting drops upward and putting your entire mouth around the scoop on top.” Do it right…and she’ll get her just desserts.
In fact, a popular T-shirt proudly proclaims: “Lick Me ’til Ice Cream”…and singer Ciara shows the prowess that keeps NFL fiancé Russell Wilson up for the big game. No wonder she head•ined at Screamfest!
You don’t have to be Freud to figure out what is actually being advertised with the cover and title of the dairy-free recipe book (above left) or the seemingly unrelated deodorant pitch for Old Spice (above right).
Why, there’s even an active Facebook page called ‘I Lick Ice Cream’ where women submit videos of their best frozen food fellatio. The page is dedicated to “the artistry of licking ice cream”—no wonder an escort’s offer of oral sex before milking a client dry through intercourse is known as the “Half and Half.”
Surely AVN award-winning Best Actress for Portrait of a Call Girl, Jessie Andrews (above left) and British ‘Best Breasts in the World’ winner Lucy Pinder (above right) could readily make a banana split!
“Celebrities eating ice cream look like beautiful, sexual lunatics,” observes CollegeCandy.com. “They’re just enjoying a refreshing snack on a hot day when a prying paparazzi swoops in mid-lick to catch them seductively slurping a cone. We can’t blame them, ice cream is delicious.”
So who can blame Sleuth for freezing the moment…in gland•ticipation of the parfait ending? In honor of Free Cone Day, may we present the Top Ten Cone ‘Head’ hotties for your frappé•ning pleasure:
BAI LING – former soldier in the People’s Liberation Army of her native China "assumes the position"
ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO – Victoria’s Secret ‘Angel’ often cited among the ‘World’s Sexiest Women’
KIM KARDASHIAN – Baskin the fullest set of scoops since Robbins got red breasts
DENISE RICHARDS – Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife has a pair…of lips that are pips
MILA KUNIS – spent 9 years Home Alone with Macaulay Culkin before wedding her That ’70s Show love interest Ashton Kutcher last year
RIHANNA – the cream on her tongue might be a clue as to why rapper Chris Brown keeps coming back (on bended knee)
JAMIE CHUNG – Real World alum graduated to Disney roles…and photoshoot nip slips!
SOFIA VERGARA – TV’s highest-paid woman has kept aged Ed O’Neill satisfied for 7 seasons of Modern Family
MILEY CYRUS – not surprising the ex-Disney darling deep throats her cone, but voices were raised when she “knelt on stage pretending to give a blowjob to a man wearing a Bill Clinton mask” during her 2014 tour
COURTNEY STODDEN – married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison when she was 16, separated when she was 19, but are now reconciled and ready to remarry. Still just 21, Courtney finds time to share her silly•cones with a girlfriend.
Though she once claimed to be “lactose intolerant,” Stodden starred in a 2015 solo sex tape that featured her making merry with dairy.
After showing what those inflated lips could do to tips…of cones…the former ‘Wild Child Bride’ headed south in the bathtub.
“Courtney Stodden LOVES ice cream,” reported TMZ last May, “—well, parts of her really love ice cream…as the world is about to find out when her sex tape hits the open market today a•head of schedule”
“Baskin-Robbins should sponsor Courtney Stodden’s new sex tape,” added The Blemish. “She finds a new use for the ice cream cone that ice cream inventor, Italo Marchiony, never imagined {back in 1896}. Mamma mia! ‘I want you inside of me!’” she tells the camera”… but settles for the dripping dessert instead.
“You’ll see Stodden mashing an ice cream cone inside her vag,” the Blemish marvels. “Do you think when an ice cream truck comes by with its song playing, she suddenly becomes a sex zombie, muttering: ‘Must put ice cream. Inside cooch’”?
At least she licks her sprinkled fingers clean after insertion.
Adding to the linkage between sex and ice cream, there’s a hugely popular confection chain called Booty Treats Ice Cream—which has as its signature original dish the ‘Junk-In-The-Trunk sundae, featuring two roundmounds of chocolate ice cream.
Gee, wonder how they ENDED up with thatpart•icular idea?
