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“Feeling bored? Uninspired by life?” ask the founding fathers of today’s holiday. “Fortunately, there is one special day in December that will alleviate these common maladies. That day, my friends, isNational UglyChristmas Sweater Day on Friday, December 16th, 2016!”
“Ugly Christmas Sweater parties first became a trend around 2001, and snowballed from there,” writes TheAtlantic Monthly. “It started like any hipster movement,” notes fashion expert Bryce Gruber. “It was so ugly, it’s cool. It was hip in Brooklyn by 2010, but only went mainstream in 2013.” And now it has its own site!
“’Tis the season … for ugly Christmas and holiday-themed sweaters!” declares one fashion designer. “At this point, ugly Christmas sweaters are no longer the attire of grandmothers and aunts.” Unless you count JoyBehar and Madonna …
“They are worn by celebs and pop stars, albeit in wink-wink, nudge-nudge fashion.” Indeed, the ‘too cool for school’ millennial media trend has spread far and wide—such that “Instagram and Twitter are now full of snaps of celebs rocking the most hideous Rudolph and Santa-adorned clothes!” And speaking of ‘spread far and wide,’ you won’t be shocked to see that millennial Miley Cyrus has promoted herself often with ugly sweater selfies. Or should we say, “elfies.”
“National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day is 24 hours of lighthearted fun and a day to be yourself,” rave its organizers, “and not that buttoned-up corporate version of yourself you have grown to despise. So leave the school uniform at home, keep the preppy office blouse in your closet, and whatever you do, don’t even think about wearing your suit to work.” Indeed, entire offices –such as NYC’s ‘Best Internet Work Place,” AdRoll—will arrive this morning in putrid pullovers.
“This is your day, this is our day,” the holiday’s site reiterates, “so all you need to wear to work is your ugly Christmas sweater.” Though if your job is glamour model … it appears the sweater is optional.Or if the “season of selling” is your (oldest) profession’s prime time of the year—they don’t say ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ for nothing—you might throw a themed party for your best clients like the infamous “Mansion Madam” of Atlanta, ex-Penthouse Pet Melissa Wolf, did with her stable of escorts, shortly before she was arrested for prostitution in early 2007!
The brothelboss is second from left, using her real name of Lisa in ‘The Christmas Party’ flyer—as Lisa Ann Taylor, then age 43, she pleaded guilty to “running a house of prostitution”—the house was literally hers, a $1.5 million dollar mansion in ritzy Sugarloaf Country Club Estates. “I wasn’t afraid of getting caught, because it was a private, gated community,” Lisa {full disclosure: a longtime friend of the Sleuth, who was not “also a client”} told CBS News.
Taylor charged $1,500 an hour for her services—not counting “special Christmas discounts”—and “an entire weekend cost $10,000,” the District Attorney enumerated in court. But even though she got 7 years of probation and a $150,000 fine—“an amount purported to equal what she made as a madam”—loyal Lisa never named the “many doctors, lawyers, judges, and professional baseball players, football players, basketball players, of course,” she winks (from the Atlanta Braves, Falcons and Hawks—and their visiting teams}, listed in her Little Black Book (below left, she redacted her regulars).
“They wanted me to give up some of the big guys,” Taylor testifies today. “I knew, but I refused to roll on anybody.” So no matter the size of their bank roll, the stand-up strumpet said nothing doin’ (above right).
“This is one of the ugliest Christmas seasons in recent memory,” sighsThe Huffington Post, “—and that’s the way some clothing retailers want it. Sales of Christmas sweaters designed to be ugly are looking pretty good at this point, according to the companies that make them.”
While colorful Christmas-themed bras {on Victoria’s Secret supermodel Candice Swanepoel, below left} and panties {on a still-tanned web celeb, below right} have been around for years …
… lately it’s the off-color outerwear that’s really taking off ! “With the ever-increasing popularity of ugly Christmas sweaters around the holidays,” reports the Daily Mail, “it’s no surprise that plenty of stores—everywhere from Target to Macy’s—carry their own over-the-top garments, but plenty of people instead take the opportunity to get creative.”
A more hands on approach, one might say.
And some of the outerwear even exposes the inner pair: “YourSassyGrandma, a Salt Lake City-based Etsy shop specializes in ‘sexy ugly’ Christmas wear,” the Daily Mail plugs, “which often make use of strategic cutouts from clothing.”
“The hole is made for your bare breast, IT IS NOT PLASTIC!” the manufacturer makes clear. “A one-time use of double-sided adhesive (boob tape) is included on the back of the eyes and nose. All you have to do is peel it off, stick the reindeer on your breast and you are ready to ROCK!”
“For women,” the Daily Mail continues, “the company offers various Christmas sweaters with one of the breasts cut away, but then provides pasties and googly eyes in order to turn the exposed bosom into a red-nosed reindeer” (below left). Even more revealing is their popular ‘Green Shirt Pastie’ (below right) which SassyGrandma suggests: “If you want to stand out at your Ugly Sweater Party, burlesque show or even just to have a fun night in the bedroom, then this reindeer is for you!!”
Though ‘all the ‘trimmings’ on the tit might not be a hit at family gatherings: “Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this,” warns one blogger. “Still, this might be great for nursing mothers.”
Such as Sam Faiers, the sexy star of Britain’s semi-reality show The Only Way is Essex {her hometown}, who has caused controversy this holiday season—twice!—by breastfeeding her baby live on the UK’s top morning program … and then tweeting an uncensored photo of her left boob in son Paul’s mouth.
Once Sam lifts that ugly ‘Filthy Animal’ Christmas sweater (below left), it’s clear her kid will never starve!
“I don’t understand why you people follow Sam if you don’t want to see her breastfeeding,” defended Eastenders soap actress Jacqueline Jossa—who’s just had a baby with Faiers’ castmate Dan Osbourne. “She’s very open and you must know she posts whatever she wants.” And whenever he wants it …
“My abs aren’t back to how they used to be,” Sam shares, “but my tummy has gone down a lot and I think the breastfeeding has helped with that.”
It certainly helped sales when sweater companies like Tipsy Elves of San Diego or Virginia’s Festified began to “take the accepted ugliness standards and add a touch of tastelessness,” as HuffPo put it. “Along with the garlands, bells and garish red and green patterns come subtly shocking images, such as a reindeer threesome or Santa Claus showing his butt crack.”
“Some might find these ugly sweaters amusing,” Huffington humbugs. “Others, like female fashion expert Bryce Gruber {quoted earlier} think they may have gone too far”: “My brother-in-law told me how he saw some old lady in her 70s at a sports bar wearing a sweater that showed a snowman with a carrot in his crotch and two Christmas ornaments hanging below (below!). If the sweater is just ugly, that’s fine, but the holiday is not supposed to be about sexual snowmen.”
Not even with those colorful balls and Santa’s sack?
Let’s face it, with traditional terms such as stocking stuffer, toys,Vixen and goose, it’s not hard to see the sexuality in the season … giving rise to ugly Christmas sweaters that turn the North Pole into a stripper pole and the crucifixion into a courtesan.
Or separately celebrating Chest and Nuts … and lest you think we jest, stare at a pair “roasting over an open fire.”
Can we talk? Could this holiday be any more gay?—what with words like fruitcake, package, mincemeat, Prancer, Yule log, Tiny Tim, The Nutcracker and its Sugarplum Fairies “dancing in our heads!”
Conversely, and au naturally, these days if there’s lights … and a camera … Maitland Ward will spring into action (below left), while a raven-haired reveler unwraps her gifts.
Why, with all this divesting putting the ‘X’ in Xmas, it’s almost enough to ‘Break the Internet’ … and there’s now even an ugly sweater with Santa simulating Kim K’s feat!
Which inevitably led to Sleuth’s sweater favorite—the cleverly conceived ‘Kardashing Through the Snow’ rear•velation below left … and last year’s Christmas Card from Ellen DeGeneres and her wife Portia de Rossi (below right) … which makes a fitting END to Part One and shiny stimulation for ur•wreath•rah!
Coming Up: Part Two– Stars Celebrate National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day …
