Our new column, Staff Picks, takes you back to a time when video stores reigned supreme andthe "Staff Picks" section was the placetofind outwhat films were worthy of one's time.Of course, our version of Staff Picks has a decidedly skintillating angle, as we suss out the films from a particular subgenre are the best to find great nudity. To kick things off, we're looking back at the best movies in one of the most saturated subgenres of the early 80s, Barbarian Movies!
Thanks to the work of artists like Frank Frazetta, toy lines like Masters of the Universe, and the emergence of Dungeons and Dragons as one of the best ways to spend your Saturday nights, the early 80s were prime time for barbarians. While fantasy was always a bankable film subgenre, the emergence of fantasy with a decidedly adult flair exploded in the early 80s. Advancing technology allowed filmmakers to get more creative with their creature designs, and fantasy films could finally show all the graphic violence and boobscontained in the many books of the genre.
Like any subgenre, however, one must separate the wheat from the chaff, and with a glut of titles to choose from, our Staff Picks are designed to do that for you. Here are five films from the Barbarian movie explosion of the early 80s that, one way or another, remain worth your time forty years later!
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Easily the Citizen Kane of Barbarian Movies, John Milius' Conan the Barbarian remains the gold standard of the genre. Not only did it have the perfect leading man in Arnold Schwarzenegger, it delivered on all of the spectacle promised by Robert E. Howard's then-fifty year old creation. The film follows a fairly standard plot—rightful king sold into slavery after the death of his parents as a childreturns as an adult to reclaim what is rightfully his—but nearly everything else about the film was fairly revolutionary, for the time anyway.
There's all manner of crazy stuff happening herefrom hypnotism to cannibalistic orgies, and even James Earl Jones' villainous Thulsa Doom turning into a giant snake. The violence is cranked to 11 throughout the film and perhaps its only achilles heel—for our purposes anyway—is that it's not quite as skin-filled as some of the other films on our list. There's an absolutely insane scene where Conan attempts to have sex with a witch (Cassandra Gava) but ends up tossing her crazy ass into a fire...
Sandahl Bergman, who made quite a splash three years earlier with her nude turn in Bob Fosse's All That Jazz, plays Valeria, a plundering pirate babe who celebrates a big score by banging our hero...
As for that aforementioned power of hypnotism, Thulsa Doom also manages to hypnotize the topless Leslie Foldvary to leap to her death as a sacrifice...
The Beastmaster (1982)
While not exactly a family friendly film, many of my compatriots who came of age in the 80s have seen The Beastmaster hundreds of times thanks to its PG rating. Marc Singer plays the title character, Dar, who cancommunicate with and command animals like a barbarian Doctor Dolittle. Despite being released only three months afterConan, the film has an eerily similar revenge plot, right down to the presence of a respected African American actor (John Amos) in a supporting role—at least he's not the villain in this one.
Directed by Phantasm's Don Coscarelli, the film wasmostly regarded as a box office disappointment,but became a franchiseby entering the public consciousnessthanks to endless replays on HBO.It's not surprising thatthe film failed to connect with audiences on first release as it plays like a warmed-over version of the film they had just gone nuts over three months prior. The film was also edited down for a more family-friendly PG rating—this was two years before the PG-13 rating was invented—though it was obviously made with an eye toward the more audience restricting R-rating.
B-movie queenTanya Roberts plays Dar's love interest Kiri who, unlike Conan's Valeria, makes it through the film unscathed. Roberts was never shy about showing some skin on film and she's also one of the only actresses to go nude in two different PG rated films—the other being Sheena. Her nude scene in the lake is available in the film's original version, but she also shot another nude scene where she has sex with Singer, though it was one of the casualties of the film's PG rating. Thankfully it has since become available on the film's DVD release...
Deathstalker (1983)
Sporting poster art that looks straight out of the work of the aforementioned Frank Frazetta, 1983's Deathstalker isboth one of the subgenre'smost distinguished and hopelessly cheesy entries. The entire subgenre began moving more toward camp in 1983, and legendary producer Roger Corman wanted a piece of that action. Made in Argentina, the film is hopelessly lame when viewed through the eyes of a 2020 moviegoer, but it did launch a franchise and manages to be just slightly better than your average Conan knockoff.
The film's title character, played by bodybuilder Rick Hill, is mostly a non-entity in the film thanks to his complete and utter lack of charisma to match Schwarzenegger and even Marc Singer. Thankfully he'smatched at every turn bythe fierce warrior Kaira, played by Lana Clarkson. Likely by studio mandate, Kaira's warrior togs consist of a cloak and a thong, her entire torso left bare despite the obvious tactical disadvantages such attire would bring...
The ill-fated Princess Codille, played by skin queen Barbi Benton, is also something of a non-factor in the plot outside of one thoroughly entertaining scene in which the villainous Munkar transforms one of his advisors into her in an attempt to seduce Deathstalker. After initially wanting to break himself off a piece of that, he discovers the ruse right around the same time the real princess is murdered...
Conquest (1983)
Italian gore-hound Lucio Fulci got into the barbarian movie craze with his 1983 film Conquest. The twist that this fantasy flick brings to the subgenre is the notion of a female big bad. Sabrina Siani's Ocron sports a golden mask, wields a magic bow and arrow, and commands an army of werewolves, like you do, posing a threat to the journey of our hero Ilias. She's also a rather randy villainess, spending plenty of time topless because these films have established a precedent by this point. Just because she's the villain of the piece doesn't mean she can't still show her tits. A bunch.
Even still, there's a lot to love for fans of the genre in this entry, from the score by Goblin's ClaudioSimonetti to the charmingly low budget effects, making this one of the genre's essential entries.
Barbarian Queen (1985)
The wheels had more or less come off the Barbarian gravy train at this point as the market became saturated with them thanks to many international entries in the genre, along with the rise of Cannon Films. The best entry from this time period is another of Roger Corman's Argentine joints, Barbarian Queen, which flips the script by focusing on a female barbarian this time around. Again, this film didn't invent the notion, but it definitely did it best, particularly in terms of skin!
Deathstalker's Lana Clarkson headlines the standard revenge plot once again dusted off for this film, but it's the nudity and female protagonist that make this one a slight cut above the rest. Now that she's headlining the film, however, Clarksonleaves nudity duties to her co-stars Susana Traverso (above), Katt Shea (below, top), and Dawn Dunlap (below, bottom)...
