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“April 30, 2016 is National Raisin Day,” declares PunchBowl.com about Saturday’s holiday highlight. “People have been dehydrating grapes to make raisins for thousands of years. The practice dates back to 2000 B.C. and originated in Persia and Egypt. Raisins were also highly prized by the Ancient Romans, who used the snack food to barter. They also awarded raisins as prizes at sporting events!”

In modern times, the top prize for ‘smuggling raisins’—a popular expression for the two pert points provided by braless nipples—would go to the sleek Slovak star of tennis, Daniela Hantuchova, whose game set is hard to match!

“Why do some women’s nipples look like raisins?” reads a 2009 post on Yahoo Answers…with the Best Answer listed as, “Yes.” And the oft-visited Urban Dictionary defines the fem•omenon as a “term for a woman’s large, hard protruding nipples”—offering this example of using it in a sentence: “Man, Jennifer is sure smuggling raisins today, must be cold in here.”

The breast way to prevent those bullets flying is to wear a bra—e•tit•omized by the juggs•ta•position of the most famous brand, Sun Maid Natural California Raisins, a•top a black sheer brassiere (above).

Even The Simpsonspoked fun at the buttons on boobs—after all, there are more nipples in the world than people!—and a rising band based in Brooklyn calls themselves Hard Nips {a take off on their Japanese origins}—with two albums and a hit single titled Fortune Cookie (‘You Can Eat the Cookie!’).

Italian authorities had to eat crow when their conviction of attractive American Amanda Knox was overturned by the court in 2011—because of ‘glaring prosecutorial error.’ Perhaps their most eye-popping mistake was charging the student with murder…when smuggling seemed to be the bigger af•front!

Indeed, this slang term for “packing peanuts” has been shipped around the world—with top British This Morning hostess Trinny Woodall lamenting: “I feel like a flat-chested raisin in com•pair•ison to the busty guests on her show.

Which brings us to her fellow English hot hostess, Britain’s Got Talent judge Amanda Holden—who said she “wants to insure her nipples for up to $1.5 million each” after the “perky points” were featured on page 1 of tabloid The Sun in February 2015. “I decided if it was good enough for Kylie Minogue’s bum or Mariah Carey’s legs, it is definitely required for my nipples,” Amanda announced. “I’ve got to make sure all my best assets are protected. They’re actually naturally pert. In the past I’ve always used nipple covers but I just couldn’t be bothered.”

Holden’s fellow judge ‘Simon Says’ it’s not un•raisin•able to get all hot and bothered by gapes at her grapes, so start there in our 12-step program to highlight our Sun-Dried Distended Dozen!

AMANDA HOLDEN

KHLOE KARDASHIAN

KATE MOSS

MISCHA BARTON

JENNIFER GARNER

KATE HUDSON

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

GIGI HADID

OLIVIA WILDE

JENNIFER ANISTON

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

While ever-braless Jennifer Aniston is universally considered "The Queen of Pokies”—her standard sitcom line could have been ‘Say hello to my little Friends’—it’s curveless Keira Knightley who is the ‘braometer’ by which all furtive fruits must be judged. “I’ve got no tits,” Keira complains. “They’re like two raisins on a breadboard.” Yet those sharp suckers cut like a knife!

In closing, please remember Sleuth’s sage saying: “Without Nipples, Boobs Would Be Pointless.”