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“There’s something about a short girl, that delightfully compact and curvy phenomena that happens when a blessing of genetics realizes that less is more,” raves Days of the Year.com. “It seems like evolution did them a favor and made up for their lack of vertical stature by packing those delightful diminutive frames with enough vim and vigor to take on the world.”
And today is when the whole world bows down …Short Girl Appreciation Day is our opportunity to raise these beauties of brevity to new heights!
And why is it celebrated onDecember 21st? Because today is the shortest day of the year!
And thus the longest night—which allows plenty of time to indulge in what seems to be the primary obsession guys have for mini-mates: sex.
That Lilliputian Lust appears to date back to ancient times—notice how that Hindu hymn to humping, the Kama Sutra {created in 400 BC} depicts a sextet of small sirens servicing a single large warrior (below left) …
… with particular positions presented to split the difference {in height, above right}.
Indeed for decades, it seems, the eroticism of the elfin has been a staple of our culture:
That appeal is only growing as Christmas approaches in a matter of days … with tall hunks hoisting their honeys to trim the tree—and hoping to make itthree!
Yet while big boys are good for hanging balls … small girls can always get a lift from toys.
And this season there are even illustrated sex guides to the best positions for holiday stuffing—with names like Come All Ye Faithful and Jingle Balls.
Considering these are “tiny tots with their thighs all aglow,” it’s fitting that both of these short spurts involve sitting on Santa’s lap!
“Are you looking for ways to make your sex life more exciting this Christmas?” asks England’s Good To Know advice site. “Send the kids to bed and check out our selection of Yuletide themed sex positions—they should raise a festive smile. Who needs mistletoe when you’ve got a Christmas sex guide like this!
And sex with short girls seems to be a year-round tradition … so much so that coital advice and position plaudits dwarf those of average-size couples: “Small girls often have a certain unique charm, and they often attract the attention of bigger boys,” begins an article entitled 17 Things You Must Know Before You Go Outwith a Small Girl. “Unlike a tall girl, you can put her in virtually any position when you’re in bed! Her size makes certain things much easier and more comfortable.” We’re certain of it …
“Being a short girl has its ups and downs,” writes a 4-foot-11 blogger at Livingly.com. “For example, you can only imagine how fun it might be to have sex in a chair. Why? Because your damn feet can’t touch the ground so you have nothing beneath you to work with—just air and there’s no balance in air.”
Unless there’s someone to hold you there.
“When it comes to sex,” explains an accredited women’s health guide, “there are many ways short girls can make up for the difference in stature compared to much taller lovers. While it can be almost impossible for you to kiss in the missionary position, you can always try new things rather than getting hung up on sex positions that don’t work for you.” This beacon of brevity blonde has clearly found new things to get hung up on!
The sexologist continues some small-minded suggestions: “If you have a good bed with a headboard, take advantage of the furniture and have sex with you on his lap and your partner sitting. Then it won’t matter how tall or how short you both are!
“And, well, if you’re not so tall you can still really excel in having sex while being on top. Because you will be able to control the in-and-out movement with your hips and without having to use your short legs.
“Having him kneel, standing facing or behind you, or him standing and you seated often works out best for everyone because then the height difference does not come into play.”
Though the one position that seems to have become the favorite for vertically mismatched couples is known as ‘Stand and Carry’ or ‘Up Away’:
“Up Away is a position where the man remains standing,” details a definitive how-to sexology site. “She wraps her arms around his neck, and with help from him, she wraps her legs around his waist, in the process of lining her vagina up with his penis so that he can enter her. This obviously requires strength and coordination on the part of lovers, so that maneuvering into this position is slow and controlled.” In other words, putting it in little by little.
And the step-by-step synopsis adds, “Sometimes to assure she’s comfortably penetrated, the man must squatlow to help her climb him.”
Which gives rise to the recent nickname for this ever-popular act between consenting misters and munchkins, The Totem Pole {as in ‘low man on the …’}.
“If you’re a lightweight,” notes Wild Erotica in a penetrating pieced entitled Stand Up and Screw, “there’s an easy way to navigate this vertical position. Put your arms around his neck, have him lift you up by holding onto your thighs or locking his hands beneath your butt, and wrap your legs around his hips. You’ll make the position less strenuous and be better able to synchronize your every move if you lean against a wall or other solid surface (below left). To experience sensations that’ll drive you nuts, lean back slightly so his pelvic bone presses against your clitoris during each thrust.” It might make you go blind (below right).
The present popularity of the position is attributed to the 2004 smash-hit tearjerker The Notebook, starring pint-size Canadian Rachel McAdams—who qualifies for today’s Short Girl Appreciation Day by being over an inch shorter than the 5-foot-5 cutoff point.
Which is why wags have now dubbed {and diagrammed} the position ‘The Notebook’ … or ‘The Ryan Goslingtreatment.”
“This is not the easiest of logistical positions,” reviewed The Vibe about the film’s only actual sex scene, “but what makes it irresistible to me is his ‘Next, you’re mine now!’ line, which makes for a great moment of unforgettable passion {alas, McAdams didn’t forget to turn her back to the camera when she doffed her top}.
However, censors neglected to notice that their budding real romance made things so ‘good for the Gosling’ that his raging rod was clearly outlined in the bulging boxers! Proving, as we said, that runt Rachel was spotting romeo Ryan a solid eightinches …
She was equally oblivious to her bulging butt crack when the devoted duo celebrated their Teen Choice Award for Best Kiss by mounting a ryan•actment on the live telecast.
“People do Rachel and me a disservice by ass•uming we were anything like the people in that movie,” Gosling groused when they split up 2 years later. “Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that!” And off camera, surely even more uplifting …
Speaking of which, that’s exactly what happened to the dress of the shortest celebrity of all—Jersey Shore’s little lush Snooki—as she made out with a stranger in a bar.
The perfect segué to Sleuth’s itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny tribute to the Shortest Celebs in Show Business … which even though today’s Short Girl Appreciation holiday allows up to 5’5”, we’ve whittled down to those measuring just Five Feet and Under.
“Hollywood’s elite are thought to be among the most beautiful in the world,” concludes PrettyFamous.com. “It’s nearly impossible to catch a celebrity looking less than perfect. However, no matter how famous or wealthy, celebrities can’t do anything about their stature—save for wearing platform shoes. Despite all of society’s medical advances, there is no surgical quick fix.
“So, while maintaining a low center of gravity can have its setbacks, some lovely ladies use their diminutive height to their benefit.” Especially in the bedroom …
NICOLE ‘SNOOKI’ POLIZZI 4-foot-8
Recently revealed that she conceived her daughter Giovanna while hubby Jionni was behind the wheel! “We started hooking up while he was driving on the highway,” Snooki mimed how she straddled him. Explaining how “the feat was accomplished,” she smiled: “I’m pocket size!”
ADRIENNE BAILON 4-foot-11
The singer dated Rob Kardashian for two years … then allowed everyone to glimpse what he saw in her by wearing “a sheer skirt and no underwear” to a March 2012 opening in NYC—as “her below the belt wardrobe malfunction took Bailon’s evening to a whole new level. Those who didn’t know much about the Cheetah Girl,” quipped a thigh•witness, “suddenly became very well acquainted.”
TILA TEQUILA 4-foot-11
The current Nazi sympathizer is also a longtime lesbian—copping a feel (above left) and giving quite a little handful to Sandee Westgate (above right). She’s giving a good seven inches {strap on?} to devout Destiny’s Child chum Michelle Williams, below left.
LIL’ KIM 4-foot-11
Sheerly 5’6” Debbie Gibson is more her size than pre-op Caitlyn Jenner at 6-2 and still able to spew.
SHAKIRA 4-foot-11
In the end, her decade-long love affair with Antonio de la Rua (above left), the son of Argentina’s President, was not at it was cracked up to be (above right)—he sued her for $100 million, claiming he “was the brains behind her hits.”
Below: Lips don’t lie …current squeeze, 6-foot-4 Spanish soccer star Gerard Pique, has 17 inches over her … and 2 sons with her!
KRISTIN CHENOWETH 4-foot-11
“I’m only 4 feet 11, but I’m going to Heaven,” the devout diva sang at the Southern Baptist Convention’s national conference when she was just age 12 … but grew up—and out—so divinely that she now notes: “I have boobs and a shot torso, so I have to keep my core as thin as possible.”
“I’ll always have a belly and butt,” the wee Wicked witch cackles. “But what woman doesn’t wish she had less of something?” Certainly not Dolly Parton … who is officially listed as the same size as Kristin—minus the hair and the pair.
ANNA KENDRICK 5 feet
Comes up to the top lip of 5’7” Olivia Wilde … and the top nip of this diaphanous dress!
EVA LONGORIA 5 feet
Dwarfed by comedian Joel McHale, the Desperate Housewife gets the last laugh with her pubes through panties act.
KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN 5 feet
The oldest of the sisters is also the shortest … 3 inches beneath Kim and 10 less than Khloé. Butt she compensated by growing the family’s finest Kard•ass•shian!
HAYDEN PANETTIERE 5 feet
Her lover Wladimir Klitschko, the longest reigning Heavyweight boxing champ, has 18 inches on her … often!
“He is quite a bit bigger than me,” petite Panettiere told Ellen in April 2011 {before they had two kids together}. “I get the rudest people come up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Perhaps through the back door? “I’m cool with my body, and I’m cool with running around undressed and all that stuff, but there are certain things not everyone needs to know, that you need to keep private,” pocket-size Hayden hints. “But you never know …”
And she ENDS with this: “I could be 30 years old {she turned 27 precisely 4 months ago on 8/21} and just be like, ‘Screw it—I want to take it all off. I better take a picture of this baby before it all goes.”
The long and short of it? Time to go.
