RSVP? No T&A?
Welcome back to Castle Rackula. I hope everyone enjoyed my look back at Cat People last week, because this is the week to momentarily abandon nostalgia and turn to the here and now.
Today The Uninvited opens up in theaters and I’m sad to say it contains no nudity.
A remake of the acclaimed 2003 South Korean fright flick Janghwa, Hongryeon, The Uninvited not only has no nudity in itself, but boasts a cast of never-nude actresses to boot!
It’s like a stake through the heart, this skinlessness!
Skingy as they are, many of the movie’s stars are tangentially connected to some great nudity. My hope is that pointing out all the opportunities to show skin these actresss have blown (but not really) over the years will shame them into flashing flesh in the future.
Besides not taking their clothes off in the movie, Uninvited’s co-stars Heather Doerksen and Maya Massar have something else in common: both have appeared in Showtime’s flesh-filled, muff-munching saga of Sapphic sex The L Word.
(Despite the show’s success, Showtime execs were unimpressed when I pitched “The V Word,” so I left them something else to remember me by).
Just last year, Heather appeared on an episode called “Lady of the Lake” that featured a topless makeout between bosomy bush-bandits Laurel Holloman and Lenka Stolar, but Heather kept her hands to herself.
Likewise, Maya was on an episode called “Longing” where she played an artist who started getting really friendly with her model Nahanni Arntzen. But the scene ended without any skin.
Longing left me conflictedI longed for more, but nothing was getting any longer.
Maya, how can we make a Mess-ar if you don’t undress her?
Next up is wholesome-looking blonde Arielle Kebbel. She’s no stranger to horror movies or teen sex comedies, so what’s her excuse? The closest she’s ever come is bra and panties in Dirty Deeds, where she left all nude duties up to stage lesbian Christie D'Amore.
Come on Kebbel, let’s see those bits.
The Uninvited is Australian Emily Browning’s first movie since she’s turned 18, so some might be tempted to cut her some slack. I'm not one of those people.
Besides, bad habits start young.
If Emily needs any pointers on what to do, I suggest she look up Italian gal-lion Francesca Rettondini, her former co-star in Ghost Ship. As some sort of seductive spirit, Francesca gives us a view of her bow and stern that had me raising my mast quicker that you can say “Tankers aweigh!”
Finally, there’s Elizabeth Banks, whose skinginess is made all the more outrageous by her extreme hotness.
I know she shows a little nipple in Sexual Life, but that doesn’t cut the aorta for me. I need to see it head on.
She’s come maddeningly close with some topless-with-her-back-to-the-camera scenes in Swept Away and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but that just makes it worse.
Her next project (sure to be non-nude also) is called the H-Man Cometh, but is doesn’t hurry and make the Rack-man cometh, he’s really going to bum-eth. Out.
Well thanks for joining me for this look at the babes of Uninvited. Now I need to cleanse my palate by watching Kirsten Baker in Friday the 13th Part 2. Excuse me, won’t you?
Until next week, fangs for the mammaries!
