Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?

Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego? is a bit like the Where’s Waldo books--only instead of just having to search a page, you have to look all over the goddamn planet to find her thievin’ ass. This animated series was based on the Carmen Sandiego line of computer games, where world-renowned thief Carmen Sandiego has, with the help of her henchmen, stolen the landmarks of the world. One of her thugs is Maelstrom, voiced by the Sweet Transvestite himself, Tim Curry. It's up to ACME Detective Agency sleuths Zack (Scott Menville) and Ivy (Jennifer Hale) to get them back. Like the computer game, this show's primary goal was to build up children’s knowledge of geography, history, and world culture. Carmen Sandiego’s voice was provided by Rita Moreno who, though now safely in her senior citizen years, was a Puerto Rican princess and quite the hottie back in the day. She first wowed audiences in the US with her portrayal of Latina spitfire Anita in 1961’s West Side Story, for which she won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. She also starred as the token Mexican saloon girl in a slew of westerns, worked on such children’s shows as The Electric Company, then banged Marlon Brando before he got too fat (and as crazy as a shithouse rat). She is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the first performer to win an Oscar, a Tony, an Emmy, and a Grammy. “Yes, yes,” you say, “That’s all fine and well. But when did she show us her red hot chili peppers?” Glad you asked, Spanky! Though she sported a blonde wig and pasties, those steaming-hot tamales looked firm, full, and tasty during her striptease in Marlowe--even if they weren’t completely out of the wrapper. She later gave us a peek at the flipside during her nude swimming scene in Four Seasons. Ah, Rita, you may have lived “la vida loca,” but you drove men loco with those bolsas de leche.