By Col. Tobias McGleaner, ret.

War is hell - oh, yeah, hell on a fellow's family jewels. I've been a grunt in this man's army from the day I could hold a rifle, and have been killing the enemies of this great land of ours for so long that blood and guts gets me hard! But when in the trenches I'm always looking forward to getting some well-deserved R&R, where I can stick my flesh bayonet into more friendly action.

Now, back at camp they're always playing those patriotic war pictures, not that I've ever given them more than a peek. Why waste my valuable time watching some Hollywood hotshot prance around in green fatigues when my manly troop of dog soldiers and me are on the scent of some pussy? Anyway, those flicks are about as realistic as Kilnger leading the charge of the light brigade.

Through my many tours of duty I've earned more notches on my service revolver, not to mention my personal love-gun, than Death himself, and I'm here to open your civilian eyes to the raw deal of combat. Mr. Skin has granted me exclusive rights to his extensive vaults and I've come out with the reel story of life on the frontlines.

Below is an alphabetical list of the sexiest war movies. I've seen each film and fought on those proud battlefields, so I'll tell you what really happens when the fighting stops and the loving begins. It's been a while since these old bones have been locked in hand-to-hand, but don't think my aged boner can't still rise to attention for some one-armed saluting.

APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX (2001)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Colleen Camp (Picture: ), Cynthia Wood (Picture: - )
McGleaner's Dispatch: Vietnam is my Niagara Falls! I'm sorry, America, my hands were tied. It was stoned-out yippies like those in this picture that made wiping communism from Asia impossible. But I sent a few of those godless bastards to hell, even if they didn't believe in it. That said, there was plenty of heaven in the sweltering jungles to help keep your weapon well oiled. Bless hot numbers like Colleen and Cynthia, they were only a sparkle in their mama's eyes when I was mowing down Vietcong. But somehow they managed to capture the allure of those tasty Playboy centerfolds when they'd land at camp and show us enlisted men where their staples went. Yeah, they have nice spreads in those slap-mags, and I got to spread a couple of those frisky fillies for a hot assault from my big gun.

BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY (1989)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Vivica A. Fox, Cordelia Gonz?z (Picture: - )
McGleaners's Dispatch: I've got my share of battlefield scars and I wear them as a badge of honor. My heart goes out to any disabled vet, but once Ron Kovic turned his wheelchair-bound bellyaching into big business he made this Colonel's list of Fried Chickens! Nonetheless, I've nursed my wounds in similar fashion with some generous ladies of the night as the extremely convincing-as-a-heterosexual Tom Cruise does here. None of them looked as mouth-wateringly delicious as Vivica and Cordelia, though I had a spicy Spanish girl that knew how to burst my burrito. Even now, every Independence Day, I call on that sexy senorita and we put on quite the show. She's a real firecracker and knows how to light my fuse.

COMING HOME (1978)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Jane Fonda (Picture: )
McGleaner's Dispatch: First up, I'm not "Fonda" Hanoi Jane. But she's an American girl, and Lord, I can't stay mad at one of our homegrown hotties - especially when they look as melon-squeezing fresh as jaunty Jane does, even if she bellied up to the enemy during Vietnam. Hell, I can't blame Charlie. Who wouldn't want to get close to this corn-fed chickadee? Now, when I came back from the front all bandaged up and feeling half a man, there was a sweet Jane there for me, too. So, this movie brings back some fine mammaries. I relive them ever time I watch Jane flash her Hollywood Royalty rack. Let's just say, some is forgiven and it's full spew ahead.

THE ENGLISH PATIENT (1996)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Juliette Binoche (Picture: ), Kristin Scott Thomas (Picture: - )
McGleaner's Dispatch: You want to talk about hot, try French kissing a German flame-thrower. Well, one night I dipped into my whiskey rations probably a tumbler more than necessary and found myself surrounded by a Nazi night patrol. I ended up with third-degree burns over 90 percent of my body; they ended up dead. Like the lead in this WWII tearjerker I spent a lot of my recovery thinking about past conquests. I went through brutal physical therapy, but was jerking off even as skin peeled off my pecker. Hey, no pain no gain. There was this cute little French maid, not that different from Juliette, that really spun my beret and kept me going through the rough times. And an English strumpet like Kristin kept more than my upper lip stiff. She had to be patient with me, but I polished her English.

FORCE 10 FROM NAVARONE (1978)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Barbara Bach (Picture: 1 - 2)
McGleaner's Dispatch: There were a lot of covert missions during WWII that to this day haven't been declassified. If I told you about them, I'd have to kill you. Don't worry, the one this movie's based on is common knowledge. Blowing up jerry's bridges was like giving him a swift, hard kick in the britches, and nothing made my day brighter. Nothing, that is, except seeing a brunette beauty like Barbara exposing her breast parts. She may be married to Ringo Starr, and I never went for the hippie racket coming from that Beatles combo, but I got to give the ugly drummer boy credit where it's due. I wouldn't mind sticking a drumstick up his wife and beating the skins.

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE S.S (1974)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Dyanne Thorne (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3), Uschi Digard (Picture: 1), Jackie Giroux (Picture: ), Sharon Kelly (Picture: ), Maria Marx (Picture: ), Sandy Richman
McGleaner's Dispatch: I liberated one of those foul Nazi compounds toward the end of WWII. Brother, I've strung still-warm intestines around my neck and danced on a thousand fresh graves, but nothing prepared me for the horror of medical experimentation like that performed by Ilsa and her gang-bangers. Yes, she was based on a real character, but that slime-bag didn't hold a candle to Dyanne. I'd sure like to burn her at both ends. She brings out the kinky side of my nature. Hell, I've spent time as a prisoner of war, but if Dyanne was the commandant and I was locked in a jail cell with juggies like Uschi, well, the only thing trying to make an escape would be my unchained melody.

IN HARM'S WAY (1965)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Barbara Bouchet
McGleaner's Dispatch: Between the World Wars I was making soldiers out of a ragtag bunch of sissie-boys in Hawaii, at Pearl Harbor to be exact. Yeah, I know, my luck. On that day that will forever live in infamy, I was caught with my dress uniform around my ankles getting a little nookie from a nurse. During wartime you're always supposed to keep your ammunition dry, but this was peacetime and I liked getting a pretty piece to keep mine wet. When the first Zeroes dropped their payload I was shooting my own load, and I'll never forgive myself for not being at the ready. It still pains me to watch any movie about that sneak attack on our native soil. But at least this one has Barbara's torpedoes to remind us what it is we're fighting for.

M*A*S*H (1970)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Sally Kellerman (Picture: )
McGleaner's Dispatch: Talk about fatigue, after fighting two World Wars back-to-back and then having to defend the Demilitarized Zone in Korea a body can take a beating. Rather than beat-off, though, there was always a "Hot Lips" back a base camp willing to wrap herself around your aching boner. Now, I didn't see this film until I was on leave from the 'Nam and, frankly, couldn't stomach it's antiwar message. All the docs that stitched me up when I got banged around never had anything longer than regulation crewcuts and they knew better than to crack wise in my presence. The nurses, on the other hand, were all like Sally: uptight in uniform, but willing to get down behind closed doors - or in the shower. I pitched a few tents during that conflict.

THE NIGHT PORTER (1974)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Charlotte Rampling (Picture: - )
McGleaner's Dispatch: After V-E Day I did my best to get every venereal disease known to man, and some new ones too. Then I got itching for some different kind of action, so I hunted down war criminals. One scum I brought to justice was a kinky SOB, kind of like Dirk Bogarde in this crazy flick. I busted in on him while pleasuring himself to some erotic number by a honey that was almost as sweet as Charlotte, right down to the itty-bitties and the high leather boots. I had to goosestep on his tiger tank before it could fire its load, but so it wasn't a total loss I gave that topless cutie a taste of US government-issued artillery. Let's just say, it was D-Day in my pants.

1941 (1979)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Susan Backlinie
McGleaner's Dispatch: Few know how close America came to being invaded in those dark days after Pearl Harbor. Our western border was particularly vulnerable to attack, so don't think the plot of this movie is just Steven Speilberg having a close encounter with fantasy. No, sir, I personally took down a fleet of Jap subs that were gunning for our mainland. My plan was ingenious and I'll wager the inspiration for Speilberg's flicker-show. Got my girlfriend at the time, a curvaceous love doll that was the splitting image of Susan, and used her as bait - yeah, masturbate! She shook her naked tail on the coastline, which lured our enemy into my trap. They're jerking off in Davy Jones' Locker now.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE (1972)
Reporting for Nudie Duty:Valerie Perrine (Picture: - - )
McGleaner's Dispatch: I was a POW with Slaughterhouse Five author Kurt Vonnegut Jr. during the bombing of Dresden in WWII. Terrible thing. We should have killed them all! But when I crawled out from that smoldering tinderbox my mind was sound. You didn't see me written nutty books about aliens keeping humans in zoos and slipping through the time-space continuum. While his point of view and mine don't jive, as the hepcats say, I got nothing but praise for the movie version of his pulp. Two reasons for that: Valerie and her Perrine pair. Hell, lock me up in some outer-space wildlife preserve with a vixen like her and I'll give the natives a show they won't soon forget. My rockets would blast off, all right, and I wouldn't stop until I reach her final frontier.

YANKS (1979)
reporting for Nudie Duty:Lisa Eichhorn, Vanessa Redgrave
McGleaner's Dispatch: This film makes me want to yank! The battles were ferocious during WWII, but those English gals behind the lines knew how to keep an enlisted man engaged. I was an equal opportunity boot-knocker, from the low-class shop girls like Lisa to the upper-crusters such as Vanessa, they all erected a castle in my fatigues. Yeah, those English Teas & A were a fine break from shoveling guts on the frontlines. I raise my glass to those Brit babes for their heart-on service to our boys overseas, because they raised a lot more than just our spirits.

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