By Frank Gaydau
Genital-men, wrap your hands around that flesh-bat and get ready to knock your balls out of the park. Sports is more than up-skirts looks at young, tight cheerleaders. Place the beer and remote on that shelf of a gut because you're going to need two hands to play all the horny games Mr. Skin has in store for you. Hollywood shoots, and viewers score in a mother load of titillating sports-related movies.
Whatever sport you're into, as long as its not water sports (that's for another feature), there's a movie made for you. Root, root, root for the home team because they'll be filled with more homerun honeys than you can shake your bat to - but we suggest you try. If boxing's your thing, flicks like Honeybee with Jamie Poppingo, and Penitentiary, featuring the knockout Gloria Delaney, are sure to provide some action below the belt.
If you'd rather a hockey game break out during your boxing match, check out either Slap Shot or it's puckish sequel with Christine Caux and Holly Eglington. Those ice queens are certain to induce a high-sticking penalty in your drawers.
Of course, tight ends abound in our favorite football movies. Take off your cup and go long with Altria Ford in The Longest Yard or find a hole up the middle in North Dallas Forty, featuring Savannah Smith. And if you think golf is the "gentlemen's sport," you obviously haven't been on the links with Amy Lynn Baxter, have audiences playing with their balls in Golfballs.
So just what is America's favorite spectator sport? After seeing these movies and the many others featuring the world's most beautiful athletic supporters, we think you'll agree that football, baseball, basketball and hockey are second division pastimes compared to some good old-fashioned girl-gazing!
ALL THE RIGHT MOVES
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Football is tough, but High School is tougher. It sure gets hard for Tom Cruise when he gets into a naked huddle with Lea Thompson (Picture: - - ) in one of her earliest and nastiest roles. Cruise struggles with a college scholarship, locks horns with his hard-ass coach and gets horny playing grab-ass with Lea. Forget about the right moves, just focus on Lea's lusty moves between the sheets.
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Cruise really is a superstar and deserves every cent he gets. Who else could get girl-next-door and American sweetheart Lea to show off her pigskin? It's a small price that we have to see Cruise's butt when in return Lea shows off her small but plumb bosom and a big tush that proves girls with asses get passes.
BULL DURHAM
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The minor league gets major action in this tail of an old washed-up ball-player swinging for a final shot at glory. Kevin Cosner is the bitter ball sent to baby sit Tim Robbins, a pitcher with heat in his arm and in his groin for diamond groupie Susan Sarandon (Picture: ). Cosner also wants to stick his bat in Susan's bases, which gets things sticky in all the right places. The boys of summer simmer in this steamy affair.
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Susan must have really liked Robbins' pitch because the two start dating during production of this sporty feature. Too bad they didn't have a camera mounted in their trailer, where most of the real mounting was going on (they do have two children, after all). Who says smoking isn't good for you? Susan flashes a nip-slip as she reaches for a cigarette. It's just impossible to keep her super-sacks hidden for long.
CADDYSHACK
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There's a war going on at the manicured lawns of country clubs across America. The snobs and the slobs are battling for supremacy on the green. When the slobs have funnymen like Bill Murray and Rodney Dangerfield on their side you know a lot of funny bones are going to get broken. But before you can say, "Four," some bones are mended, such as the boner-inducing Cindy Morgan (Picture: ). Who wouldn't want "Lacy Underalls" to caddy their balls?
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Cindy is an actress that is sorely missed. Her blonde hair framed a frisky smile and from her svelte body hung two of the moist delicious up-turned titties ever to grace the big screen. Mourn for her sudden departure from the business of show, but we'll always have Caddyshack and what a hole-in-one she delivers while humping Michael Keaton. Mr. Skin would sure like to get one in her hole.
GOLFBALLS
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Imagine Caddyshack without the A-list stars and the knee-slapping script. Now add tons of skin for a real crotch-grabber and you got Golfballs, a straight-to-video stroke of genius. Why? Two reasons and they both rise heavy and soft from the blouse of Amy Lynn Baxter (Picture: - - ). When the owner of a golf resort is determined to drive his competition out of business, his competitor has no choice but to hire a bevy of beautiful women to bring back his customers. They come all right, in droves.
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What happens when a film mixes a drive-through golf-cart wash with a thinly covered Amy Lynn? Things are going to get messy, in your pants! Amy's a classic blonde with a '50s pin-up-girl body that she loves showing off - as her stint as a Penthouse Pet proves so perversely. Amy makes all balls goofy, whether she's seducing the gaily colored golfers or letting some lucky nerd photograph her gyrating topless while hosing herself down. What does this have to do with golf? Hey, don't get us tee'd off!
HE GOT GAME
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This Spike Lee Joint spews forth with something every horndog can lap up, a basketball movie that puts a full-court press on your balls. Forget about the plot featuring Denzel Washington as an ex-con trying to guide his son's hoop dreams on the moral path, the real cream rises to the topless with such naked giants as Rosario Dawson (Picture: ) and Milla Jovovich (Picture: - ). And if you play hardcore, there are cameos by porno vets Heather Hunter, Jill Kelly (Picture: ) and Chasey Lain (Picture: ).
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Featuring three adult stars the question of nudity is quickly answered in the affirmative. That's a three-point basket for viewers, as Jill and Chasey round out a saucy threesome and Heather is exposed in the breast use of montage ever put to film. But it's just another lay at the office for these professional hussies. Even Milla's stiff nipples and sweet, hard ass is not unexpected, as the former fashion model knows she's got a lot of what we like to call the moist and isn't afraid to flaunt it. But Rosario offers her first and, so far, only nudity, a mam-handling of her meaty jugs, which means game over for the audience's sperm!
HONEYBEE
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Stunning Senait Ashenafi studied the penal code in college and dad wants her to take over his law firm. But she wants to be a boxer, which would get viewers' penal code firm if only she had the sense to strip down to her legal briefs. Daddy caves in and roots for his little girl as she pursues her dream, and we cream at what it might be like to go a few rounds with this carnal-carmel-cutie between the sheets.
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The TKO comes not from Senait, but Jamie Poppingo (Picture: ), whose boobs are as large as a heavyweight's boxing gloves. Our bells ring when Poppingo's globes float like a butterfly and sting like a B-movie vixen as she fools around with Ashenafi's philandering boyfriend in a couple of nice screw scenes. But she has to run for the hills to avoid getting her gorgeous ass kicked by the aspiring boxer babe. Who's up for a rumble in the grundle?
HOT DOG... THE MOVIE
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The slopes may be ice-cold, but the curves are red hot when the world's best skiers get together. They enjoy a steady diet of heavy drinking, wet T-shirt contests, chalet parties and gondola blowjobs as they compete at the freestyle championships on the mountains of Lake Tahoe. They dip their poles in the ladies and make the powder fly as they showcase their extraordinary moves. Yes, they're up the mountain by day and mounting babes by night. That's good form.
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Forget the beautiful mountains of Lake Tahoe, you're better of climbing the hills of Shannon Tweed (Picture: - ), Crystal Smith (Picture: - ) and Tracy Smith (Picture: - ). Shannon is phenomenally seductive as she takes a young skier from bed to hot tub to ecstasy in three easy steps. Crystal is the hostess with the moistest who greets her hotel guest completely naked. That's service with a smile. And Tracy strips her tough-girl exterior, as well as her clothes, during a sexy freestyle routine of her own. Everyone's hotdogs will be jumping into those buns!
THE LONGEST YARD
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After being thrown in jail for sinking his sugar-mama's Maserati in the bay, it's up to Burt Reynolds to shape-up a motley crew of convicts to take on the prison guard team. Hmmm...inmates versus prison guards-think this game may feature some dirty play? One memorable quote says it all: "I think he broke his fuckin' neck!"
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No, Altria Ford (Picture: ) is not a new car model being unveiled next year (though a finer chassis has yet to be smelted); she's the hottie Burt Reynolds is banging before he gets sent up the river. And she looks delicious in her sheer red negligee! Altria's got your standard '70s build: small rackage, but fine whole package.
PENITENTIARY
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They don't call it hard time for nothing. Inmates gain respect from their fellow cons by competing in the prison boxing league, and the ensuing chaos creates an atmosphere that falls somewhere between Oz and The Fat Albert Show. Luckily there's also enough sex to render Mush Mouth speechless!
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You don't have to be in prison to be incarcerated by Gloria Delaney's enormous, God-given tits. Even a professional breast man will salivate like a dog at her glorious rack. When you see Gloria's fun bags get mauled in a sweaty bathroom sex scene, you may start thinking that jail might not be so bad after all!
PERSONAL BEST
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Mariel Hemingway (Picture: - ) and Patrice Donnelly (Picture: - ) are track and playing the field stars. The field they are playing being each other's naked bodies in this dramatic exploration of young lesbianism. It's a serious subject and handled with tender loving care, but we can forget all that dross and ogle the oodles of goodies exposed by they young sporties. Be sure to pass the baton.
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Mariel turned her pirate's dream into a pervert's cream when she augmented her flatties into fatties in Star 80 (1983), so this is one's last chance to sample her natural breasts. Patrice takes full advantage early in the film with a full-frontal that'll have you running the mile in mere seconds. There's also a sauna scene with the whole track team stripping down to their furry finish lines. This flick ain't called Personal Best for nothing.
NORTH DALLAS FORTY
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Mac Davis was the Mac Daddy of the '70s. He may play the quarterback in this, but he's the one getting all the passes from the lovely lasses. This based-on-a-true story exposes the extreme punishment that still exists today in NFL. Owners continue to care more about bottom lines than goal lines, coaches want to win at any cost and players take drugs before, during and after games. And players prefer grabbing girls' skins more than pigskins.
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Nick Nolte's broken-down football character winces in pain if he so much as combs his hair, but he does manage to pile on a topless Savannah Smith (Picture: - ) as though he were reaching for an elusive first down. Sexy Savannah's svelte shape gets much more than a two-hand touch from Nick.
SLAP SHOT
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When washed-up hockey manager Paul Newman hires the terrible triplets known as the Hansen Brothers to put a little blood on the ice and fire fans lust for violence things start to turn around in the depressed steel-making town. Thanks to the sultry form of Melinda Dillon (Picture: - ) Newman gets to puck off the ice, too, and spills his famous salad dressing between the sheets.
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If you've always wanted to see the mom from A Christmas Story (1983) unwrap her gifts then this is the movie for you. Melinda was also starring in Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) that same year, which won her an Academy Award nomination. But it's her close encounter with Newman in bed, where she reveals her ski-slope sacks and eraser-thick nipples, that wins her an Anatomy Award from Mr. Skin.
SLAP SHOT 2
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The original Slap Shot was a classic sports comedy packed with action and profanity. The sequel doesn't have as many knee-slappers, but it overshadows its predecessor on the scoreboard that counts exposed boobies - and that's a real meat-slapper. This time around the Chiefs fall under control of a corporate conglomerate looking to clean up the Federal League. Fortunately the outlandish Chiefs have a completely different idea of what hockey is all about. Let's put on the foil!
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As if hockey players need any more adrenaline flowing through their jacked-up arteries, here come Christine Caux (Picture: ) and Holly Eglington (Picture: ) pressing their penalty-box-size squeezables against the glass in the middle of the biggest game of the year. Christine also provides one helluva of a pre-game pep rally as she bangs one of the Chiefs in the shower before its time to take the ice. Now that's the kind of high-sticking Christine's begging for!
SQUEEZE PLAY
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The little B-movie studio that could, Troma, takes the battle of the sexes to the field of dreams, which is located in New Jersey. The fed-up girlfriends of the chauvinistic Beavers take their turf war to a softball contest for the ages. Bases are loaded and so are viewers' drawers. Forget the peanuts and Cracker Jack, this old ballgame is better watched with lube and Mary Fist and her five sisters!
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New Jersey may be the Garden State, but none of the Jersey cows here show off their muffs. But they are udderly topless in wet T-shirt contests that appear to run nightly. And even though Jennifer Hetrick (Picture: - ) and Helen Campitelli (Picture: - ) are fighting for equal rights, that emancipation happens to include freeing them from the bondage of their bras. Jennifer's ittie bitties bounce out for the opening credits, but if you like your vintage '70s racks bigger, stick around for Hellen's car scene - it's Hellen wheels! No, the crowd isn't booing -- they're chanting booooooobs!
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP
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Ebony and ivory make perfect harmony on more than the piano keyboard. Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes run a very lucrative pick-up basketball scam, complete with fancy footwork and brilliant on-the-court trash talk. Greed compels the buddies to turn on each other, but they ultimately make up and win big cash in a bizarre basketball tournament promoting racial brotherhood. Right on!
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Pint-sized-poon Rosie Perez (Picture: 1 - 2), with the 40-ounce jugs, plays Harrelson's Jeopardy-obsessed girlfriend, and with her soft and natural boobs amply on display she gives him good reason to be named Woody. Rosie loves being naked, or close to naked, and her giant nipples are built to sneak out say, Ola! Mi yamo tetas! White men may not be able to jump, but this Caucasian sure likes to jump Rosie's bones.
