Topless Billing

By J.R. Taylor

The remake of Dawn of the Dead (2004) had this cool sequence running during the final credits. The filmmakers still had to keep the audience from leaving too soon. Kim Kerns came to the rescue. Just as the credits started to roll, the film cut to the sight of her popping her popinjays out of her bikini. Guys were nailed to their seats while looking to nail Kim's luscious brunette beauty.

And yet Kim wasn't even listed in those same closing credits. Skindred spirits can only refer to her as that girl who was on the boat in the videotape at the start of the closing credits. That doesn't sound nearly as cool as what should've been Kim's proper billing. She was denied the greatest honor that can be awarded in the Mr. Skin Nudiverse--the role of "Naked Woman."

No less a legend than famed author Ana?Nin took the first ever "Naked Woman" billing. The founding mother of dirty books stripped to become billed as "Naked Woman in Hammock," reading from her own short story "House of Incest" in the twelve-minute short Bells of Atlantis (1952). Nadine Tallier then became the first proper actress to score the coveted "Naked Woman" billing in Les Hommes ne pensent qu'?a (1954). More specifically, she was "Naked Woman in Her Bath."

By 1968 Nini K?hagen had joined Nadine in that special form of anonymous immortality. Nini bared her nipis as "Naked Woman in the Hotel" in Freddy klarar biffen (1968). By 1971 two more gals joined the exclusive club: Marie Ekorre was "Naked Woman at Ulla Winbladhs" in Lockf?ln (1971); Nicola Austin stepped in to create the simply perfect billing of "Naked Woman" in the British sex comedy Up Pompeii (1971).

Sadly this didn't open the floodgates. The vast majority of hot babes baring their bods would continue to simply go uncredited, despite their important contributions to cinema. At least this spared the title of "Naked Woman" from being cheapened. No less a Mr. Skin icon than Uschi Digard (Picture: 1 - 2) was billed as "Naked Woman in Gas-Chamber" in Ilsa, She Wolf of the S.S. (1974).

Still, some Naked Women are more memorable than others. You may not know the name Kristina Hughes, but you can probably remember the hooters she displayed as Juliette Lewis's "Naked Woman" in Old School (2003) (Picture: 1)--before, you know, Luke Wilson broke up their planned m?ge-?rois. Bountiful blonde Palmer Lee Todd (Picture: 1) didn't need lines to make a memorable impression as Rob Lowe's "Naked Woman" in Bad Influence (1990). The Chris Farley/David Spade comedy Tommy Boy (1995) is certainly only a classic due to Lorri Bagley's turn as "Naked Woman at Motel Pool." (Picture: 1 - 2)

Certain memorable souls have also gotten us straining to look down our television sets. Anita Marie Curran got us rolling our bones with her 2005 appearance as "Naked Woman" in an episode of the NBC series Las Vegas. Fetishists were also thrilled to see Michelle Ruben (Picture: 1) in the specialized role of "Naked Weightlifter Woman" in a 2001 episode of FX's Son of the Beach.

But let's not forget the closest relation to "Naked Woman"--that being the ever-popular "Topless Girl," a.k.a. "Topless Dancer" and "Topless Waitress." All salute Joi Holmes (Picture: 1) as the bold pioneer who claimed billing as "Topless Baby Model"--although that was pretty innocent billing in the Annette Funicello comedy Pajama Party (1964). Andy Warhol gave us the first honest billing when he cast Ingrid Superstar as "Topless Girl" in his film The Nude Restaurant (1967).

Marilyn Joi and Becky Sharpe (Picture: 1) would then make for a memorable double-breasted billing as "Topless Dancer" in the drive-in hit The Student Teachers (1973). That same year saw Sandy Dempsey and Heather Collins (Picture: 1 - 2) sharing first billing as "Topless Waitress" in, respectively, The Teaser (1973) and the rock 'n' roll epic Bummer! (1972).

Sadly plenty of "Topless" actresses would also be cheated on proper billing. Nervous filmmakers seem to want to ignore those actresses by the end of the film. At least Dant?cCarthy (Picture: 1) got to liven up the credits of Forrest Gump (1994) with her turn as "Topless Girl."

Otherwise mams at the multiplex are more typically represented by Monika Kuczowska's role as "Topless Weather Lady" in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005). There was a notable exception with Spike Lee's Girl 6 (1996), however. His closing credits featured a stellar listing of Jennifer Ceballos, Tomoko Hagane, Jennifer Ramos, Genevieve Yraola, and Jennifer Lee, all billed as "Topless Dancer."

That's especially touching since only Jennifer Lee has gone on to any other film roles. None of the other gals would even go on to get billed as "Stripper." Let's note that the singularly named Arabella would be one of the first ladies to ever blatantly play a stripper onscreen (instead of the more generic "Showgirl") in the Milton Berle film Always Leave Them Laughing (1949). The filmmakers appeased the censors by leaving Arabella off the credits.

By the 1950s, though, any number of actresses were billed as "Stripper." Unlike "Naked Woman" or "Topless Woman," of course, there was no nudity guaranteed. It was nice to see a burlesque star such as Bubbles Cash get billed as "Stripper Abducted by Martians" in Mars Needs Women (1967). Still, it would be awhile before the role of "Stripper" would guarantee something resembling Monique Gabrielle's (Picture: 1 - 2) goodies in Flashdance (1983).

Lolita Davidovich would even keep her clothes on as "Black Lace Stripper" in The Big Town (1987). Nowadays the only real fun in a "Stripper" being billed is the occasional throwback to Mars Needs Women--as seen by Venice Grant's (Picture: 1) role as "Undead Stripper #1" in Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004). That billing is better than nothing, as Kim Kerns would surely agree. Perhaps it's time to get the Screen Actors' Guild involved. After all, nothing says SAG like a well-toned beauty who's not sagging onscreen.