By Selwyn Harris
Skyrockets in flight! After-nude delight!
July comes in this year, as it always does, with a bang. So when the fireworks, barbecues, pool parties, and hot days at the beach give way to cool nights in front of the TV with the air conditioner roaring full blast, dive into this month's new DVD releases, the barest of which are assembled below for your perusal.
After you fold up Old Glory, raise your own flagpole and see who salutes. Remember: It only takes one hand!
JULY 4, 2006
The Libertine (2004)
STUDIO: Weinstein Company
NUDES: Anonymous actresses
THE SKINNY: As the titular Libertine, Johnny Depp dons the flouncy garb of the seventeenth century Earl of Rochester, who pursued life's pleasures at their headiest and fleshiest between bouts of writing poetry. Sadly none of Johnny's top-billed co-stars, including Samantha Morton and Rosamund Pike, liberate themselves from their bodices and various whalebone undergarments, but there are a few non-named nudes in various states of undress sprinkled throughout. We need more Liber-TA!
The Matador (2005)
STUDIO: Weinstein Company
NUDES: Azucena Medina (Picture: 1), unnamed knockers
THE SKINNY: Former James Bond Pierce Brosnan revisits the world of international intrigue from a decidedly more skewed perspective in the barbed comedy The Matador. Brosnan plays a burnt-out, boozed-up assassin who crosses paths with a traveling salesman (Greg Kinnear) and draws him into an unexpected, thoroughly amusing adventure. The movie starts off exceedingly well, too, as Azucena Medina exits Brosnan's bed and we get a load of her bare butt in the opening scene. Sixteen minutes later a pair of anonymous chest pontoons bops by during a scene at a sex club.
Stoned (2005)
STUDIO: Universal
NUDES: Monet Mazur (Picture: 1), Tuva Novotny (Picture: 1), uncredited nudes
THE SKINNY: On July 3, 1969, Rolling Stones guitarist Brian Jones bobbled his last as he was pulled, motionless, from the bottom of a swimming pool. The coroner's report lists Jones's demise as "Death by Misadventure." The movie Stoned details some of Jones's other misadventures prior to this ultimate belly flop. Leo Gregory plays the sunken Stone, while skin comes via the TA of Monet Mazur as ultimate '60s groupie Anita Pallenberg, as well as Tuva Novotny and a gaggle of unnamed nudies. Stoned will get you rock hard.
*
JULY 11, 2006
Basic Instinct 2: Unrated Director's Cut (2006)
STUDIO: MGM/Sony
NUDES: Sharon Stone, Flora Montgomery, Anne Caillon
THE SKINNY: She's baaack! And frooont! Sharon Stone reprises her star-making turn as an omnisexual thrill killer in Basic Instinct 2. This controversial follow-up to the 1992 original takes place in London and continues onward and upward, covering the themes of lesbianism, orgies, public fucking, and Sharon Stone's naked vagina.
Little Boy Blue (1998)
STUDIO: Lions Gate
NUDE: Kaitlin Hopkins
THE SKINNY: In Little Boy Blue, the movie's protagonist (John Savage) has a tough time blowing his horn, as he's gone a bit nuts since a war wound relieved him of his, well, nuts. During a flashback, we see Savage tie a young mom, played by Kaitlin Hopkins, to a tree and make away with her offspring. Sweetening an otherwise ugly scene is Kaitlin's open blouse, which reveals her not-so-little girl pinks.
Road House: Deluxe Edition (1989)
STUDIO: MGM/Sony
NUDES: Kelly Lynch (Picture: 1 - 2), Julie Michaels (Picture: 1), Laura Albert (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Patrick Swayze is Dalton, the bouncer with a philosophy degree from NYU. Sam Elliott is his mustachioed mentor. Ben Gazzara is the diabolical town boss in need of a turbulent take-down. Jeff Healey is blind. Kelly Lynch is naked. So are Julie Michaels and Laura Albert. The appropriately named Rowdy Herrington is the director. The movie is Road House. It kicks every conceivable manner of ass. The DVD Special Edition is not to be missed. And the next time somebody complains that his mother got called a cocksucker, you will understand how the only worthy response is to ask, "Is she?"
Shogun Assassin (1980)
STUDIO: AnimEigo
NUDES: Reiko Kasahara (Picture: 1), Kayo Matsuo (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Lone Wolf and Cub--a deadly Samurai and the toddler son he pushes in a baby carriage as they wander the earth--are popular, long-running pulp characters in Japanese fiction, comic books, and a wildly violent series of films. Shogun Assassin is an angry, berserk compilation of two separate Lone Wolf movies that ran for years in U.S. kung-fu theaters throughout the 1980s (yes, youngsters, there really were thousands of moviehouses back then that exclusively trafficked in martial arts mayhem). Amidst eruptions of some of the most eye-blasting brutality ever lensed, Reiko Kasahara and Kayo Matsuo interject some sweet flesh. Another nice touch: The epic tale is narrated by the three-year-old co-hero.
Soundless (2004)
STUDIO: Koch
NUDES: Nadja Uhl (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The German murder mystery Soundless features tough-guy Christian Berkel as a profiler of serial killers attempting to crack the case of his life. Along the way he does crack luscious-knockered knockout Nadja Uhl, who rides the dick's dong in bed. And she's got some profile!
Tiresia (2003)
STUDIO: Koch
NUDES: Clara Choveaux (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The mythological Greek character Tiresia is simultaneously male and female. In the French movie Tiresia, the character is a kidnapped transsexual played by both a man and a woman, although, as the female half is embodied by Euro bombshell Clara Choveaux, it's clear that she's all woman, man.
Weeds (2005)
STUDIO: Lions Gate
NUDES: Brooke Langdon, Clare Carey (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Showtime's hit series Weeds chronicles the ups and downs of a marijuana-peddling soccer mom played by Mary-Louise Parker. Although Ms. Parker has frequently been nude in movies--even sharing her Hairy-Louise with us on occasion--she keeps wrapped tight like a nickel bag here. You can get high, though, on tit tokes from Brooke Langton and Clare Carey.
*
JULY 18, 2006
Carniv?: The Complete Second Season (2004)
STUDIO: HBO
NUDES: Carla Gallo (Picture: 1), Cynthia Ettinger, Eliza Pryor Nagel (Picture: 1), Saemi Nakamura (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The mysteries-of-the-midway series Carniv? ran for two years on HBO, supplying many a sight to erect a big top in a viewer's pants. The second season, now on disc, is as rife with rackage as round one. Our favorite exposure is a double: During the episode "Alamogordo, N.M.," petite Carla Gallo shakes her mini-mams onstage in the strip tent alongside the mountainous milk monsters of fantastically full-bodied Cynthia Ettinger.
Feed (2005)
STUDIO: TLA Releasing
NUDE: Rose Ashton (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: The horror flick Feed cops some schtick from the serial-murder classic Se7en (1995) but keeps its focus on just one deadly sin--namely, whatever it's called when a psycho stuffs women so full of food that they internally explode. Obviously eating all the right things is leading lovely Rose Ashton, who bares her bloomingly beautiful tits and Ashton during a shower-set boff-and-go.
The Love Butcher (1975)
STUDIO: Jef Films
NUDE: Robin Sherwood
THE SKINNY: Merry maid Robin Sherwood brings a dollop of lightness, and a blast of breasts, to the gruesome, extremely 1970s Jekyll-and-Hyde redux The Love Butcher. Erik Stern plays both a whimpering simp who's put down by all comers and the revenge-minded loon of the title. Before Robin's bare-bosomed exit, Stern rants, "I'm going to awaken you from this earthly nightmare, awaken you to the sweet repose of ... death!" Such is the life of The Love Butcher.
Loves of a French Pussycat (1972)
STUDIO: Jef Films
NUDES: Sybil Danning, Marl? Appelt
THE SKINNY: Charming bachelor Rolf (Michael Cromer) is a lady-killer on the make in the soft-sex favorite Loves of a French Pussycat. Andrea (Sybil Danning) accepts a wager from sweet-sacked Suzanne (Marl? Appelt) in which she's got to convince this cunning cocksman to ask for her hand in marriage before they go to bed. Nakedness, of course, figures prominently in how the bet plays out, meaning that--hooray!--we all win!
Outside the Law (1994)
STUDIO: Image
NUDES: Anna Levine, Stephanie Swinney
THE SKINNY: During the course of the crime thriller Outside the Law, stunning stars Anna Levine and Stephanie Swinney reveal what's inside their clothes. Blonde arthouse fave Anna assumes a part not unlike what Sharon Stone takes on in the Basic Instinct movies. She seduces a self-destructive detective and reveals her brazen bisexuality during a threeway with brunette Stephanie. That's a rule of Law we're always keen to see enforced.
Peaches (2004)
STUDIO: Image
NUDES: Emma Lung (Picture: )
THE SKINNY: Raven-maned Emma Lung will take your breath away as Steph, an orphaned girl sent to live with relatives in the coming-of-age drama Peaches. While suffering under the strict rule of her aunt and uncle, Steph discovers her dead mother's diary and learns that she comes from a rich familial tradition of carnal abandon. And so her clothes come off and her sexual awakening begins. And, boy, that girl Emma has got some pretty, pretty Peaches.
Sparkler (1998)
STUDIO: AnchorBayEntertainment.com
NUDES: Sheila Tousey
THE SKINNY: "Sparkler" is the nickname of the trailer-park dreamer portrayed by Park Overall in Sparkler, a road movie with Las Vegas as its destination. Jamie Kennedy, Freddie Prinze Jr., andVeronica Cartwright each play a part in Sparkler's journey, but it's Sheila Tousey who shines brightest of all, slipping her left-side happy sack into view during a love romp at the four-minute mark.
*
JULY 25, 2006
Ask the Dust (2006)
STUDIO: Paramount
NUDES: Salma Hayek, Idina Menzel
THE SKINNY: Colin Farrell plays an Italian writer who travels to Hollywood in search of glory in the Robert Towne-directed Ask the Dust. He finds it in the gloriously flawless form of Salma Hayek as a Mexican worker with her own dreams of the big time. And speaking of big time, delectable-derriere-bearer Idina Menzel, last seen in Rent, once again shows off her sumptuous seat meat.
A Different Story (1978)
STUDIO: Trinity Home Entertainment
NUDES: Meg Foster (Picture: 1), Linda Carpenter
THE SKINNY: Perry King has a problem in A Different Story: He sucks at being gay. No matter how homo Perry tries to be, he not only falls for his lesbian pal played by Meg Foster--who slips some TA into view while she and Perry violate their natures during the dreaded practice of heterosexuality--he also shares a shower with Linda Carpenter. And super-stacked Linda is no Carpenter's dream.
Felicity: Unrated Director's Cut (1979)
STUDIO: Severin
NUDE: Glory Annen
THE SKINNY: Taut, gorgeous Glory Annen grows up--and out!--in the Australian softcore classic Felicity, which gets a top-flight DVD treatment from the fine flesh mavens at Severin Films. Last month they gave us The Perils of Gwendoline in a perfect package. Their handling of Felicity is every bit as first-rate, as is the movie itself. Glory is perfect as a curious teenager who tests out exhibitionism, a lesbian tryst, skinny dipping, heavy petting, and all the other pubescent sex practices we've come to know and lust after in movies like this. Only few movies do it all as well as this one.
Fever (1991)
STUDIO: HBO
NUDES: Marcia Gay Harden
THE SKINNY: The hard-boiled thriller Fever burns when a lawyer (Sam Neill) and a detective (Armand Assante) have to team up to save a kidnapped woman whom they've both been banging. The victim is Marcia Gay Harden, whose exposed torso appendages are sure to elevate your temperature more than a few degrees.
Final Destination 3: 2-Disc Special Edition (2006)
STUDIO: New Line
NUDES: Chelan Simmons, Crystal Lowe
THE SKINNY: Death comes knocking--and rocking and soaring and bursting and taking on all kinds of inventive forms--in Final Destination 3, the latest entry in the horror franchise that specializes in Rube-Goldberg-style rub-outs. This go-round the Grim Reaper casts his pall over the passengers of a doomed rollercoaster. The Happy Peeper, meanwhile, gets some great ganders at flaxen vixens Chelan Simmons and Crystal Lowe as the plot makes its way to the graveyard.
Hussy (1980)
STUDIO: First Run Pictures
NUDES: Helen Mirren (Picture: )
THE SKINNY: Sometimes a single word says it all. Hussy represents one of those times. First-class, eminently elegant, abundantly endowed English thespian Helen Mirren portrays a hard-humping hooker who's looking to get out--of nearly every outfit she wears, that is. Helen is hot, hot, hot in Hussy and she's nude, nude, nude to boot. Get lots of loads here of her firm fanny, fantastically sizable funbags, and mouth-watering fluffy muffala.
Kingsize (1988)
STUDIO: Facets Video
NUDE: Katarzyna Figura
THE SKINNY: Katarzyna Figura comes from Poland and, when it comes to erotic allure, she's no joke. Kingsize, however, is a comedy about a couple of dwarf scientists who emerge on Earth from a world where everyone is short and male. One look at Katarzyna's bare figure and there's no way these wee fellas are going back. And you'll understand where they're coming from.
Somersault (2004)
STUDIO: Magnolia Pictures
NUDE: Abbie Cornish (Picture: 1)
THE SKINNY: Head over heels in heat best describes the teenage character played by Abbie Cornish in the adolescent drama from Down Under Somersault. After she's caught bedding her mother's boyfriend, our heroine embarks on a succession of sex sessions with numerous male partners, learning various lessons in the process and never making us wait too long between nude scenes as she goes.
White Coats (2004)
STUDIO: First Look
NUDES: Holly Eglington (Picture: ), Rochelle Loewen
THE SKINNY: SCTV alumnus Dave Thomas wrote and directed White Coats, a raunchy, raucous romp concerning a group of medical interns on the loose that, amusingly, was financed by the Canadian government. All the slapstick and gross-out gags that you'd expect from a flick that was initially released as Intern Academy are on hand, along with the anticipated TA. Just consider that Holly Eglington plays Cowgirl Stripper, while Rochelle Loewen is Buxom Nurse, and it's clear that White Coats is very kind, indeed, to the audience that would watch it wearing rain coats.
