By Rabbi Moe Gaydau
It's that time of year again. Yes, I can only be speaking about Purim, the holiday that celebrates the Jewish people's avoidance of yet another plot to annihilate us. Why does everyone give us so much grief? Oy, such tsuris . . .
What we do during Purim is give to the poor, drink kosher wine, and wear costumes in public celebration of our victory over our Persian oppressors, as detailed in the Bible.
?Now I won't share my Manishevitz with you dear readers-there's not enough to go around-nor will I dress up for your amusement; however, I can provide some charity in honor of Queen Esther.
Purim comes from the Biblical Book of Esther in the Tanakh and tells the story how the Queen thwarts her husband's anti-Semitic holocaust. In tribute I've asked Mr. Skin-who's such a mensch he must be part Jewish-to allow me to search his site for Esthers in film. I may be casting my own production of this story, which I believe is ripe for a big Hollywood summer blockbuster kind of thing. If not, then at least it'll keep my casting couch warm.
From Spain comes blonde beauty Esther Arroyo. She doesn't look Jewish, yet the celebrity hostess has made this Son of Abraham very happy with her brief nudity on the boob tube in Ya es viernes!...O no? I hear they have a vibrant Jewish community in Spain. I hope she's a bit Jewish, because it's a sin to eat tref meat.
The idea of a German Esther, specifically Esther Bronnert, is disturbing to me. Where was this Esther when we needed to divert Hitler and his no-goodniks? Well, this tiny-topped brunette wasn't even born yet. I guess that means I don't have to feel guilty about spilling my seed to Angel Express (1999) (Picture: ), a decadent drama where Esther flops around completely nude in a tub. That's one way to distract the murderous intentions of anti-Semitics.
Another Spanish goy, Esther del Prado, would make a fine Esther in one of my Purim plays. She's already shown herself to be a dedicated actress in El Robobo de la jojoya (1991) (Picture: - 2) and Huidos (1992), where the full-lipped, dark-haired beauty showed off her hidden talents. I'd like to see more of this nasty pervformer; after all, I need some sins to atone for during Yom Kippur!
Esther Elise is American, which means there'll be no language barrier. I've looked up some of her movies, though, and can't make heads or tails of them. For instance, Deathrow Gameshow (1987) (Picture: 1), where Esther sleeps topless (heads) with her lover, they've got no sheet to make proper love through! But what I really can't understand is Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) (Picture: 1). In it, Esther poses topless in a thong (tails) with a baseball bat. Who does she think she is-Sandy Koufax?
Next stop is Canada, our Northern neighbor, with a thriving Jewish community in Montreal, of which sadly I don't think Esther Gaudette is a part. She probably mispronounces bagel as boggle. But I'll forgive her, especially after seeing her tasty latkes in L' Esprance (2004) (Picture: 1). That really spun my dreidel!
Jews in Argentina must be a nervous bunch. Isn't that where Nazis go to retire? One reason to visit that south-of-the-border country, Esther Goris. Though she hasn't shown her southern regions on the dozen boob-tube series she starred in since the mid-'80s, Doa Brbara (1998) made my matzo rise.
When it comes to class, there's no better place to look than the British Empire. UK girlchik Esther Hall is my Star of David. No, I don't think she's Jewish-has any Jewish Esther been born since the destruction of the Temple?-but I'll make her an honorary member of the Tribe after seeing her in Sons Lovers (2003) (Picture: 1). This TV adaptation of D.H. Lawrence's novel is novel indeed: it has full-frontal nudity from Esther. Ironically this Esther kills millions of potential Jews every time I watch.
Esther Hanuka has to be Jewish. Her name is the misspelled Jewish Holiday of Lights, Hanukah. Well, Jewish or not, Esther is a holiday of delights. This redheaded hottie appears in the expos White Slave Lovers (2001) (Picture: 1), where she's completely naked with other nude actresses. No, wait: If my wife is any indication, that's nothing any Jewish woman would do!
Though I've encountered some skepticism from other rabbis, I believe that the historical Esther was a woman of great beauty, that being defined as her having huge hooters. If my research is correct, then, Esther Hausmann is the closest that we've come yet to identifying a modern version of our heroic Queen. The German cutie's cuties can be seen in the TV crime drama Derrick (Picture: 1). They're so big it's sure to ignite your menorah.
Another large-breasted Esther is West German-born Esther Moser. Her name sounds like it could be of Jewish origin, and I've studied her naked body very closely in Mdchen im Nachtverkehr (1976), but my findings are skin-conclusive.
It appears that Spain is the most likely country to pay tribute to our brave Esther. They have the most Esthers, including Esther Nubiola. She's in the costume drama Tirante el Blanco (2006) (Picture: 1 - 2), yet she doesn't wear a costume, not even a schmatte. This full-bodied beauty has a bush more burning hot than the one that turned Moses' hair white.
What a mitzvah for Esther Schweins, the Teutonic knockout who survived the deadly 2005 tsunami in Sri Lanka. Like my boychik Larry David, I have a thing for survivors. However, I almost didn't survive Esther's nude debut in Drei zum Verlieben (1994). I have a weak heart, and when she parts her legs it almost parted my heart like the Red Sea. It's a miracle I survived.
Germany is up there with Spain in terms of actresses named Esther. Maybe it's guilt! I get angry. Sorry. I'm not here to rage but to rejoice over the nude charms of Esther Seibt. Did you see her in the 2004 made-for-TV flick Der Bulle von Tlz - Se Versuchung (Picture: 1)? Esther plays a hooker, and what a looker this blonde is, especially when her booby flops free while having sex with a client. It's like unwrapping gelt and, though disappointed that it's not real money, finding the sweet surprise inside is not a bad consolation prize.
Esther Studer has one busy knish. It was first seen (or is that obscene?) in Self Service Girls (1974) (Picture: 1). Then she played a prostitute opposite that crazy goy Klaus Kinski in Jack the Ripper (1976) (Picture: 1), and out comes her hot potato again. Even in a sober picture such as Women in Cell Block 9 (1977) (Picture: 1), she can't keep her pants on. Frankly, neither can I.
You know, when I had my bris, the mohel told my dear mother that even after removing my foreskin I still had another four. You think I'm meshuggah, but it's the truth. Rabbi Gaydau has a schlong that can't be beat, but I try to beat it at least once a day. That's where Esther Zimmering (Picture: 1) comes in, my last and most lustful Esther. She's been making my kosher meat hard sinceIm Schwitzkasten (2005) (Picture: ) and most recently in Hochzeit um jeden Preis (2007) (Picture: ). To this shiksa, I say thank you.
