By J.R. Taylor
Our salute to the ladies of the new fall TV season continues from last week. We've already fingered our remotes to the babes of ABC, CBS, and NBC. Now we're inching our way up the channels with a tribute to the remaining networks--who are giving us all plenty of dames to diddle to in the following debuts.
FOX
Fox may have the ratings, but we'll consider them to be an ersatz network until they start original programming for the skinsational final hour of prime time. The kiddies are in bed, for God's sake! Anyway, they've still got plenty of fine feminine foxes appearing in their new fall shows:
Vanished
Dynasty meets The Da Vinci Code meets... we dunno, something else in this complicated drama. Joanne Kelly (Picture: 1)--last seen filling out some tights in National Lampoon's Going the Distance (2004)--is the titular vanished vixen. Her hubby's a U.S. senator, so the FBI's on red alert. The same can be said of our pulsing private parts, as agent Ming-Na Wen (Picture: 1) tries to piece together a very complicated mystery. Lady reporter Rebecca Gayheart (Picture: ) is also on the case--and she must be an expert, since she made our pants vanish when we saw her nude scene in Vanishing Son (1994).
Standoff
This one should be titled Hostages Can Wait, as two FBI negotiators let their personal relationship interfere with assorted criminal situations. We're more interested in some criminal mastermind negotiating Rosemarie DeWitt out of her clothes. At least boss lady Gina Torres (Picture: ) has bared her beautiful bad ass on an episode of the F/X channel's The Shield.
Justice
Justice is blind--and if our parents are right, we'll be the same by the time we're done whacking off to legal lady Rebecca Mader in this crime drama.
'Til Death
In which the network executives say, "What the hell--let's get the big guy from Everybody Loves Raymond and remake Married with Children." While she's no Peg Bundy, we're still ready to make Joely Fisher (Picture: ) as Brad Garrett's long-suffering spouse. This sitcom will hopefully continue her tradition of bouncing her boobies on shows such as Baby Bob and Normal, Ohio. Newlywed and new neighbor Kat Foster doesn't have a similar legacy, but maybe she'll turn out to be a hot lesbian like Amanda Bearse (Picture: ).
Happy Hour
It's more young lovable losers in an American big city, as John Sloan recovers from the triple whammy of losing his girlfriend, job, and apartment--but at least he's got Beth Lacke (Picture: 1), Brooke D'Orsay, and Jamie Denbo as femme friends capable of getting any stick swizzling.
*
The CW
What do you get when you combine The WB and UPN? Well, it's mainly a way for two struggling networks to save face by disappearing into The CW. This hybrid is keeping it humble with only two new series:
The Game
Our gonads are raising a goalpost for former teen cutie Tia Mowry, now all grown up (and minus twin Tamera) in this sitcom about the wife of an NFL star. Wendy Raquel Robinson and Jennifer Baxter also show up to inspire extra points in our pants.
Runaway
It's a family-style take on The Fugitive as Donnie Wahlberg gets framed for murder. He brings along the wife and kids on the lam--which, as far as we're concerned, kind of defeats all the fun of being on the lam. To be fair, though, his wifey is luscious Leslie Hope (Picture: 1 - 2), who's kept our zipper running with scenes such as her full-frontal form in Paris, France (1993). The cast also includes Susan Floyd (Picture: 1), who almost ended up on the run herself as a fatal fuck in Particles of Truth (2003). We'll also be running to the tube to tickle ourselves over perpetual tease Karen LeBlanc.
*
MyNetwork TV
Finally, entertainment maven Rupert Murdoch steps in with his new big idea for network television: nighttime soaps that air five nights a week, much like the popular Spanish-language telenovelas. That's a lot of content, with a lot of babes filling up the airtime on the MyNetwork TV stations:
Fashion House
The new network pulls out the big guns--and the big'uns--to get us tuning in every night for fashionable intrigue. Skin hall-of-famer Bo Derek (Picture: 1 - 2 - 3) stars as a clothing designer who's not too pleased with her son running around with hot young dressmaker Natalie Martinez. Derek's also got competition--on the show and in our pants--from fellow nudie legend Morgan Fairchild (Picture: ).
Desire
On their way to opening their own restaurant, two brothers find themselves marked for death by the mob. Unlike lucky Donnie Wahlberg, they don't even get to run away with Leslie Hope. They have to hit the road with their mother--who, thankfully, is MILFish Eliana Alexander. The brothers also get lucky when their life on the run gets them running into Sofia Milos (Picture: 1 - 2). She was sexy on The Sopranos but really got us cleavage-crazed in The Ladies Man (2000). That's plenty to get us pumping five days a week.
